Men who are married to a woman who earns more than you, how do you manage finances together?
My wife and I used to earn about the same, but after she moved into a management role, she started out-earning me significantly. I was genuinely happy for her and for us, our household income went up, and I thought we’d build more security together.
But over time, I’ve felt a shift in the power dynamic. She no longer wants me to manage our finances, even though I’ve always been the more financially responsible one. She lives a luxury, paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and has built up a large amount of credit card debt. Meanwhile, I’ve always lived frugally and built a solid investment portfolio. For a while, I prioritized using our combined income to pay off her high interest debt.
Recently though, she’s pulled back and wants more control over her money. Now we’re basically doing a strict 50/50 setup. Each of us deposits a fixed amount into a joint account, not based on income percentage, and we manage the rest of our money separately. We didn’t sign a prenup, but at this point, it feels like we’re roommates splitting bills, not partners building a life together.
How do you other guys navigate this kind of financial dynamic? Especially when your wife earns more, do you combine everything, keep it separate, split proportionally? And how do you handle conversations around control and responsibility?
Comments
Just in case I am missing anything: From your text I gather that the only thing that changed is that she does not defer financial decisions to you alone anymore. Is that currect or is there more you haven’t written?
I’ve never once heard of a woman that was happy being a provider
not one
I would be seriously concerned about her credit card debt though..
It’s funny how it’s always “our money” until they start earning more, then all of a sudden they want everything “split equally”.
If it were me, I’d tell her that either it stays the way it was, or you’ll be looking for an exit. She’s clearly demonstrating a double standard
I’m no finance guy, that’s my wife, but I’mo, you should work out a financial goal for you both and you both work towards it. How much is expected to ebeb contributed by both of you to that goal.
I’m the bad one with finances in my relationship. I view everything that isn’t bills as spendings.
But my partner and I worked out a goal and I contribute x towards that goal every paycheck. I pay my half of whatever bills there are. Then after I have contributed, whatever is left is my spendings to do whatever I want with. The financial partnership goal counts as a bill in my mind to help with savings.
My partner often just puts her spendings towards the goal and that’s her prerogative. She also often makes more money than me as I only work 1-3 days per week.
The shared money is in a shared account. Bills paid from one and savings in an untouchable accounts. Sit down and work out your expenditure with your partner and make a budget. We came up with this together. Work as a team instead of one person leading.
It’s our money, not my money or her money. Everything goes into one bank account. Separate finances has always screamed “lack of trust” to me.
The exact same way we handled them whenever I made more than her and the exact same way we handle them now that she is a traditional stay at home wife and I am the only one working.
It didn’t matter whenever I was making $50,000 and she wasn’t making anything when we got married.
It didn’t matter whenever she peeked out at 250,000 a year I was only making $90k
It doesn’t matter now that I’m making 110 and she’s no longer working.
All money went into a single bank account she handled monthly expenses I handled investing and growing the money.
We discussed every large purchase, her money was my money and my money was her money and both of our monies belong to both of us.
I handle it by not having an irresponsible wife. She earns more money than me, but she doesn’t spend money on bull either. We built a life and huge House together and she pays a bit more of our credit and pays a maid. I just do a bit more in the household and invite her to dinners and some more expensive/ thoughtful gifts and holidays. It’s awesome and not even a topic because it feels event. Also maybe keeping the illusion of the old conservative ways man=provider, which is of course bullshit.
We’ve had all situations in our marriage/relationship, I currently outearn my wife but went part time after she finished maternity leave so she earned more for a while.
I basically take care of the finance, she is shit at it.
However if she earned significantly more and wanted to spend some of that on herself, I’d probably consider each putting a certain amount in each month and having our own funds to draw from/save or whatever.
Your situation sounds a mess to be honest. There seems to be something of a breakdown here that I hope you can fix. But it doesn’t sound good.
I don’t see what gender has to do with any of this
We just always pooled our money. Thankfully mrs elevenblade is quite frugal.
She manages her bills and I manage mine. She pays the mortgage and some other bills. I pay all the household bills, water, sewer, electric, and my other bills. We talk about finances and plan for upcoming expenses like week trips etc… My wife is also a long term planner in that she likes to plan vaccations over a year out.
My wife makes about 1/3 than me. She has zero interest in handling finances. We deposit everything into two accounts. One for paying bills and one for day to day spending.
My wife makes ~45k more a year than I do. We just have joint billings and savings accounts and add our respective amounts monthly. The amounts are based on a percentage of what we bring in. So she pays more into things than I do, not a 50-50 split.
The only joint bills to that account are things like mortgage, utilities, internet/phone, daycare, groceries etc. Credit card bills are separate and subscription services are kind of split (e.g. I pay for Prime, she pays for Netflix etc).
Never had any issues with one of us paying more into stuff than the other and it’s been pretty easy to adjust things if ever needed.
My wife and I always worked for each other. Even though we had separate money We are open communicators and we’ve given each other money thousands of times we don’t keep anything selfishly. We work as a team.
I currently make more than her, but she will out earn me in a few years, but we set up a firm foundation way before that happens
If you’re married … that’s your debt too. You need to figure out your finances since you are both responsible for it.
Not me, cause I’m not married.
But with my parents – while my dad ultimately ended up making more money than my mom, there were long periods when she was making more and I don’t think that ever factored into their decisions. Their money was (and in retirement, is) always shared equally by them. All decisions are made
Same thing with my brother. Right now, his wife makes more than him, although his earning ceiling is likely higher than hers will be. It just doesn’t factor into their finances. They always make decisions as equal partners.
So, having said that, I think your wife needs to stop acting like she has more leverage in the financial relationship because she makes more. And my advice would be the same if the dynamic were the other way around.
You two are partners, and she should act like it.
At different times she’s made more than me and I’ve made more than her but it has literally never mattered. Who cares?
We prefer to be true partners in the relationship and work toward common goals so all of our money has always gone into the same account and anything more than like a hundred dollars gets discussed.
I don’t see why it should matter if the wife earns more or the husband earns more. We’re getting married next year but keeping the same plan as we are living together. 50/50 into a joint account and anything above that stays personal, she makes 50k more than me or more depending on bonuses. I handle the minutae of financial planning n tracking because I enjoy it and encourage her to make changes I recommend (investment n life insurance).
Anything big we buy together, we split based on earning. Things like mortgage, car, etc. Anything we spend together, like food, electricity, etc. Basically barang rumah, 50/50. We have a joint account we put money into for that purpose. Anything else, it’s our personal money.
Granted we’re non Malay so this might be super weird for y’all.
My wife makes double what I make.
In my household I am responsible for the mortgage, utilities and car insurance. Those are the 3 largest finances. My wife is responsible for everything else.
This setup sounds exactly like how my wife and I do things, except I’m the (slightly) higher earner. I don’t see why it shouldn’t work just fine for yall. Joint account pays for bills and we have our own money to do with as we see fit. Then we pool money for joint expenses like vacations or unexpected home or car repairs.
It sounds like you first need to talk to your wife and then probably meet with a financial advisor so yall can come up with a joint plan to tackle any shared debt and plan for future expenses like a new car or house or kids and eventual retirement.
Regardless how much she earns, her debt is your joint debt. If she fails to address it, if she doesn’t even want to admit it as a problem needs fixing, there is only one thing to do about it.
When we moved in together we paid proportionally for rent. So her income was 60% of our total income, so we paid towards rent accordingly. That was mainly becase she wanted to rent places that were out of our budget otherwise.
Once married, we just combine all finances, everything goes into the same account.
She earns more but I also contributed much more to our house desposit as I had a property to sell. So it works out pretty well!
What’s hers is mine and what’s mine is hers, we don’t talk about who makes more, everything goes into our main account and we take 10% and put it into savings every check
Sounds like she’s building her life and you’re no longer play a starring role. That usually means there’s another star involved.
Until the children she earned more. There was never mine or hers money. But I know I can trust her to be responsible with money more than anything. I probably wouldn’t stay if it wasn’t so.
I have always earned more than my wife, but she has recently caught up to me and is on track to pass me in a few years. We have always had joint bank accounts ever since we got engaged and we share all of our money. Everything that we earn is “ours” and is to be used responsibly. Just because I earn more doesn’t mean I get to spend more on myself. That will remain true for her when she surpasses me in income. We talk about significant purchases (anything for ourselves more than a $100-$200) and all purchases for the household or the kids. She gets on to me when I eat out too often and views that as wasteful of our money, so I have to be responsible there too.
Nope, you do it equally, based on income. Simply say if you want this dynamic then the bills get split based on earning percentage . We will have separate accounts and we will work up a postnuptial agreement. That states any new debt will be yours in the event of divorce. We will equally pay off any debt you and I have currently. If she complains or says no. I would say, If you don’t like that, we can get a divorce, and I will seek primary custody, child support and alimony. Welcome to equality. It will be significantly more than that, as you are destroying our marriage, and breaking trust anyways. Or we can let me rework our finances, and we go back on a budget and work on our marriage and family dynamic again?
So, I actually became a stay at home dad last August. My wife made almost triple what I made when I was working.
In terms of bills, obviously she pays them all, but she’s always been better with money, and she enjoys being organized in the way of paying bills. Whereas I don’t, even in my single days, I found it stressful haha. When I was working, we didn’t do 50/50 Per se, but she paid the bigger bills like, rent, car insurance, our car payment (our other car is paid off). I paid some smaller ones, like, internet, electric, water etc.
With bigger purchases, she always asks me for my opinion and if i think we should buy something. It’s been that way even when i was working.
Where your story gets interesting is that she now feels like she needs to handle all of the financials because of the fact she makes more. I never made more than my wife so I dont know how I’d be if the roles were reversed. But given the fact i dont like doing that kinda stuff, im sure i wouldn’t feel the need to do it. Maybe she actually likes doing the kind of stuff and just hasn’t told you? Based on your guys financial history, it sounds to me like you should still be handling them
It’s our money. We have one account everything does into and comes out of. Split finances with your wife just seems weird as hell to me.
That’s how it was when she made more than me, and now that I’m the sole earner making three times what she used to and she’s a SAHM that’s the way it still is.
“You got it, right”
Over years between jobs was times we both earned more.mostly I did don t matter.we pooled pur money. We family . We each take same amount spend money week rest in family account.. was years I laid off she worked lot ot..other times she put work .I worked 2 jobs at one time
She has to..if married should live like family money just a necessity to get by.
I’d not stay in that marriage. I would never, ever think “my money” with my wife. Your wife sucks, sorry to say. Selfish and stingy. We are a “everything is ours” – when we got married I made a joke that “I love my new car” because it’s a sporty little thing and she was super excited about all the hauling my Outback can do and never say “my car” even.
We’ve combined our finances from the start. At first, I made more and now for the past 5 years she’s made more. We talk about money and communicate effectively.
We just set a hard budget of eating out and entertainment spending. She tends to go a little overboard at times and I do occasionally also.
Bills are split by size mostly. She takes on the much larger bills, I.e. mortgage, car, insurance, etc. I handle the smaller more numerous bills like internet, power, subscriptions, etc.
I’m more financially responsible as I was raised to be. She wasn’t taught anything regarding money. It’s been primarily me.
We have separate accounts but have our accounts linked as we have always had the same credit union.
FWIW, you don’t have a money issue, you have a control issue. Get counseling.
I was married. Earned more than the ex wife. She loved to spent etc. Rack up huge debts etc.
But one thing I learned, As soon the spending bug bit.. it was game over. I couldn’t get her to stop. So you talking about her debt etc. and that is what worries me. She is living that money out (like my ex), don’t care about the future (we I did).
We ended up divorce. I don’t have an answer… but I know the pain of not being on the same page with finance. You do want her to live her life but also save for future…