As I’ve gotten older I’m starting to realize I might not actually know how to properly upkeep as a woman. I always feel “less than” but I am also not sure how much is just social media fodder…. I’m looking for some guidance in what is correct, normal, and healthy. I’ve been working from home the last 5 years and was laid off so I need to reintegrate with society on a daily basis.
woman, 31, northeast US
background caveat; i grew up homeschooled, I was surrounded by women who took more pride in being obedient catholic housewives than any thought in their appearance – other than constant diets and body shame – and was never taught any skills in that regard (I’m of the opinion assumptions were it was “figure out able” and thats why there was never any explicit instruction). My mom was very good at ignoring the existence of human bodies and teaching us anything about how it works. I thought I was the only person to have pubic hair extend past my bathing suit; I was bullied for it to the point where I haven’t gone into a pool or ocean in 20ish years. I was almost in college before I realized women shaved it. I remain mortified about that.
1- hygiene:
a) am I really supposed to wash my face EVERYDAY? I don’t wear makeup typically.
b) how often do I wash my hair? I thought once a week, but this doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t look good everyday. But you’re not supposed to use heat on your hair too much. So how do I wash it and blow dry it more than once? I use heat protectant each time.
c) is a morning / night face care routine real? It feels like a wild amount of work and products. I always lotion after a shower and I will SPF if I’ll be out all day. Is the rest useful?
d) how are you taking care of your period? I’m trying tampons again for the first time in a 5+ years and they’re horrible at their job. pads smell so bad and I cannot wrap my head around disks/cups.
e) sweat. Do you not sweat ?? I’m always so hot and I’m the only one with rivers of nasty smelly sweat trying to pretend I’m not. How are you preventing ?
2- beauty:
a) am I supposed to be styling my hair everyday? I can’t tell that other people are , but I don’t seem to wake up and have nice hair. so are they doing it everyday ? Again, I thought heat was bad so I only blow dry once a week and it looks nice for that one day. The other days is just messy and very unkept looking in my opinion. &how are you also dealing with baby hairs? I look like bald and a fuzz ball when I pony tail it. so I don’t like that either.
b) is makeup more prevalent than I think? i didn’t realize so many looks are made of makeup…. is this why I feel so inadequate? Is mascara enough? how do I match my foundation? It’s so challenging and unaffordable to buy 10 foundations to figure it out. And how to you enjoy it on your face all day. I feel like ripping my skin off a few hours in.
c) bras. I have 38H breasts (I hate them truly) and wearing a bra is beyond uncomfortable and not wearing one can be better but leads for weird public outings. is that just what we do? Be wildly uncomfortable? That’s … AWFUL.
I really do want to learn. I’m not “put together” but I also just get up and leave my house, I barely even look into a mirror. It’s not that I don’t want to look nice, it’s that I don’t know the steps. And I’m learning now that most women are not just getting up and leaving; they have stuff they do to look presentable and confident. but what is that stuff??????
I feel like at 31.5 I should have figured this out but I genuinely just thought I was abnormal. now, social media is making me think there’s more work on the backside being put in to what i see …. even “effortless” and “messy” styles have like a 8 step process.. 😩😩
Comments
All of these things REALLY depend on personal preference and how YOU want to look and feel. None of it is “required” unless we’re taking about basic hygiene, and yes, it is a lot of work to keep up with trends.
I’ll do what I can as someone who used to work in beauty/skincare, but I pretty sure I’m a different ethnicity than you are and I have different hair needs.
Skin- I do recommend washing your face and using SPF daily, but it does not need to be a complicated routine. I personally use serums and creams for my skin type because I am acne-prone and trying to prevent aging. If your skin isn’t problematic and doesnt bother you, I think a simple moisturizer and SPF are all you need. You don’t have to wash your face in the morning (just splashing water works fine), but i recommend washing before bed.
I no longer have a uterus anymore, but I used to use a menstrual cup. This is personal preference and I can’t tell you what feels right. However, I do sweat a lot. I’m a believer in anti-perspirant because otherwise I will be smelly. It can help to use some witch hazel in your armpits to help with odor as well. Also, dress shields are good for extra hot days when I dont want my shirts to have sweaty pits.
For hair styling, using heatless rollers/sock curls/whathaveyou is very popular for that “wake up with pretty hair” vibe without heat styling. Look up some heatless styling tutorials. It takes practice. Baby hairs- you can find a simple pomade or gel to smooth them down and look tidy.
Makeup- you absolutely don’t need to get a whole foundation match and professional face beat if you don’t want to, (if you do want to, get an employee to do a shade match at Sephora or Ulta for free). You can use something like a tinted moisturizer if you want a little coverage, but i always notice if I slap on some blush, everyone seems to think I’m glowing and did a lot more to my face. The FEEL of makeup definitely takes getting used to, though.
Bras- I have fairly sizeable breasts, not quite as chesty as you are but I can no longer stand underwire, so I feel ya. A good bra is an investment, sadly, but I highly recommend Evelyn & Bobbie’s Beyond Bra. It feels amazing. The fine people at r/abrathatfits are very helpful, too.
This all takes time and practice, and it can be a lot of fun to play with different looks. But it is a pain in the ass for sure.
Feel free to DM me, because I know i didn’t touch on everything… I’m happy to answer questions.
You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do. Just because people wear make up doesn’t mean you have to, but you can have fun with it if you think it’s something you’d enjoy.
Personally, I don’t wear makeup and I have a pretty low maintenance hair and skin care regime.
I think sweat and things will depend on the climate where you live and also the materials you wear. Natural fibres tend to be better for body odour.
Have you been professionally fitted for a bra? If not wearing a bra is more comfortable, it sounds like you’re probably wearing the wrong bra. I’d recommend getting professionally fitted and mentioning you want a minimiser bra.
For hair, it depends on your hair type as to how often you need to wash it. I use shampoo and conditioner 2 – 3 times a week and then use a leave in conditioner and heat protectant before using a hair dryer.
For skin care, I do have a day/night regime but that can be as simple as using a light moisturizer in the morning and a heavier/night time one in the evening. If you’re not having any issues with oily or dry skin, I probably wouldn’t bother changing what you do
> am I really supposed to wash my face EVERYDAY? I don’t wear makeup typically
No, unless you live in a polluted area. If you live far away from pollution, it’s fine.
For many, it’s more of a self-care habit to feel refreshed that people do in the morning. Splash of water, gently dry.
> how often do I wash my hair? I thought once a week, but this doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t look good everyday.
This depends. In general every 1-3 days is fine. Wetting hair isn’t damaging it but you want to use less shampoo if it’s not very dirty (shampoo til it lathers, then you are done).
> you’re not supposed to use heat on your hair too much.
This also depends on hair type and hair length. You can blow-dry 2-3x a week. And yes, heat protectant works.
I have mildly curly hair so I let ot hair dry, but again: you want a routine that brings the best out of your hair.
> how are you taking care of your period? I’m trying tampons again for the first time in a 5+ years and they’re horrible at their job
You might want to go for bigger ones. Try out the OB/molfina without applicators, they are muuuuch cheaper and go to super, super+, etc.
This stuff is mostly up to preference, honestly. It is a good idea to wash your face everyday. I wash mine at least at night. I use a decent moisturizer and some face oil before that because my skin is dry. You may not need that. I should wash my face in the morning, but I’m not always good about it. I do wash my face in the morning if I’m going to be going somewhere, though, as it makes makeup go on better.
Hair is different. I wash mine only once or twice a week because it’s thick and time-consuming to style. It lasts a week before it doesn’t look as good anymore. Some people find that ick, but they don’t have my hair, so… If you have finer hair, you may want to wash it more frequently. I don’t know. Wash it when it starts to feel oily.
As far as heat styling, you want to use a heat protectant. They tend to make your hair look more polished, too. You can heat style more than once a week without royally damaging your hair if you use heat protectant.
You can smooth the baby hairs back with styling product, or you can get bangs. That’s what I did. I’ve always had baby hairs and it’s a losing battle. I got bangs and embrace what’s left. That said, the baby hairs might be partly caused by pulling your hair back into a ponytail. I’d consider getting some hair ties that are gentle on your hair (I really like the France Luxe ones) and I’d move my ponytail to different spots to minimize breakage.
I prefer tampons. They come in different sizes. You get a multi size box and use whatever corresponds to where you’re at in your period. I haven’t used pads since I was a kid. I hate them. I don’t care to deal with cups or the like. It’s all personal preference, though.
As far as sweat, it’s normal. I wear antiperspirant/deodorant that doesn’t stain my clothes. You can wear dress shields if you want to protect your tops and prevent sweat spots whilst wearing them, but it’s ok not to. I don’t bother. I might add them to a fancy dress or something, but I don’t really worry about it normally
As far as makeup, you aren’t required to wear any, much less a full-on face of it. If you want foundation without the uncomfortableness, I’d maybe get some kind of CC cream or other tinted moisturizer. They’re more forgiving on skin tone (you don’t need a perfect match) and not as heavy. If you want regular foundation I’d go to an Ulta or Sephora or something, maybe, so you have some choices and can test them out. You put some on the lower jaw and look at it outside in the light. You pick whatever matches best. I’d probably not pick anything full-coverage of you hate it in your skin. After foundation, it’s up to you. For myself, I look better if I pencil my brows in a little bit and wear mascara (and use a curler before) and sometimes a bit of eyeliner and blush. I definitely use concealer because I have darkness under my eyes, and I top it with a little powder. I like lip stain a little brighter than my natural lip color. It looks polished, but still natural. You didn’t need to do all these things. Figure out what you want to achieve. There’s nothing wrong with a more natural look. Maybe just aim to enhance what you’ve got and like…you but better.
With the bra, maybe just find one that doesn’t have underwire? Even a sports bra or bralette might work. They don’t tend to dig in like regular bras can, but give you some support.
Social media lies. They’re usually trying to sell you products. You don’t need a million-step routine. It’s really about self-care and enhancing things and feeling confident. It’s pretty much an individual thing, though. What would make you feel good? How do you want to look? Maybe collect some images on Pinterest and create what you want to look like. That’s where style comes from. It’s needs to be uniquely you.