So I (16F) met this guy (16M) in my elective class last school year. We’re both still gonna be in the same class this school year since its an elective. He’s really friendly, easy to talk to, and gay (which honestly made it really easy to talk to him). We never really connected much beyond casual class conversations.
Then one day he texted me, complaining about something in class, and I just went along with it. This kept happening for a few days until spring break, when we ended up texting back and forth all day. Now that was REALLY unusual for me, as a person who never gets texted often and never gets any notifications. A couple of days later, we had a random late-night conversation, where he opened up about some really personal family stuff.
So at the time, I was going through a lot of deep self-reflection, had major trust issues with friends, and was struggling with family issues. None of my friends had ever trusted me with deep stuff like that, so when he opened up to me, it felt incredible. I ended up sharing my own family issues and general issues and fears with him that same night, stuff I’d never told anyone before, not even my childhood best friends; like, I’ve never been to therapy or spoken a word about any of this stuff to anyone. It felt so good knowing there was someone who had struggled through similar stuff. It was honestly a big deal for me.
I found out later that he has a super supportive friend group and tons of people he trusts. So what felt like this huge, meaningful moment to me was probably just a regular day for him. After that night, I got really clingy, and I mean weirdly clingy. I probably have attachment issues tbh, and I started talking to him every class, texting him constantly, and venting about all my negative thoughts and anxiety attacks. Looking back, it was honestly so weird how attached I became so quickly. It healed me so much to finally have someone to talk to, but I think it overwhelmed him and probably made him super uncomfortable.
So I decided to emotionally detach myself because I felt so bad about how clingy I was. He’s this funny, outgoing, kind, positive person, and I don’t blame him for feeling awkward after I kept dumping all my negative energy on him. I realized he probably just sees me as a casual “texting friend,” while I saw him as something way more meaningful. It hurts knowing we don’t view each other the same way.
Now I’m in this weird phase where I feel really bad about how clingy I was, so I’m being emotionally distant. I don’t text him first anymore. I wait for him to text me, and I keep my responses dry and don’t double-text. I feel colder than usual when I talk to him. Recently, I hung out with him outside of class for the first time with another friend, and I saw how happy he was talking to that person instead of me. It made me feel terrible. He even mentioned how I was “boring” during the hangout, probably as a joke, but it still stung BAD. My other friend noticed my attitude change and said I “just look so done.” And yeah, I am. The one person who knows me as a whole, who truly understands me, would rather talk to SOMEONE ELSE than me. That really hurts, but I’m probably overthinking it.
Since I’ve decided to emotionally detach myself from him, it really hurts. I still have to see him in class for the next two years, and I can’t spend the rest of high school feeling this miserable. Eventually, he’s gonna ask why I’m being distant, and I have no idea what to say. I might be overthinking this whole thing, but I genuinely don’t know how to handle being around him anymore. The dynamic feels completely ruined.
What should I do? How do I cope with this situation? Has anyone been through something similar? I feel like I’m stuck between being too clingy and being too distant, and I don’t know how to find a normal middle ground.
TL;DR: Had one late-night conversation with a friend, became weirdly clingy, realized he doesn’t see our friendship the same way I do, now I’m being distant and everything feels terrible. NEED advice on how to handle this.
Edit: Just to clarify, I’m not romantically interested in him since he’s gay. This is more about friendship attachment issues and not knowing how to handle this friendship.
Comments
Hey OP, this is so relatable omg. From someone who went through a similar situation, the hard truth is to just be normal/friendly. Don’t overthink it. Treat him like you would treat any normal being and let things naturally settle. But I get that it’s hard not to overthink the whole situation, but you should at least try to.
I think it’s time to start working on finding an emotional setting that falls between “all-in” and “all-out.”
It’s okay that you got a little too excited about a new friendship – you’re so young and emotions are so strong right now, and his attention filled a need for you at a critical moment. That happens a lot! It’s probably happened for him, too. But you sobered up and realized that it was too much, too soon. That’s a good thing, and shows growth and self-awareness. It’s uncomfortable, for sure, but it’s not the crisis it feels like in your head. He is not walking around thinking badly of you because you were a bit too intense for a stretch of your friendship. You don’t have to avoid him like you’ve committed some grave sin. You can still be friendly, you can still share things with him, just be more mindful about what you’re sharing, and how much he’s engaging with you in return. Try not to only share negative thoughts and feelings, and try to leave space for him to respond to you instead of just monologuing at him. And ask him questions about what’s going on in his life! Give him openings to talk about himself and show interest in his feelings and experiences. Demonstrate that your enjoyment of his company isn’t solely based on what he can do for you – you want to be his friend in turn.
And most importantly, build connections with other people. Don’t hyper-fixate on him. There are more people in the world who will be interested in your friendship, and it’s important to keep yourself open to them instead of putting all your eggs in one basket. Maybe some of his friends will want to be your friend, too.