TL;DR: I’ve hidden my boyfriend well, but my mom still constantly threatens that if I’m ever caught in a relationship with a boy, she’ll shave my head, cut my access to the Internet forever, make me live with her forever to take care of the house, etc.
Fortunately next month, I will turn 18 and move out for college, but until then it’s “her house, her rules.” She found out that I was in a relationship when she went through my phone last year and shooed him away so that I could “focus on school.” However, clearly, we are still together and she’s catching on.
My boyfriend and I got together at the beginning of my senior year. Since then, I graduated with highest honors and will be attending an Ivy League university. Basically, I’ve never considered him to be a distraction from my studies. He’s a great person who supports me, despite my family flaws.
I’ve taken a lot of precautions to ensure that our relationship is safe. I make Internet calls with him, and only if she’s not home. I hide photos of us and my social media apps. I’m nice to her and listen to pretty much any other demand she makes. Why does she still aggressively suspect me?
For the past few nights, she’ll storm into my room and demand to know what I’m doing on my phone. I’m usually scrolling on TikTok or watching a silly YouTube video, but she quickly accuses me of calling my boyfriend (or just a boy in general). She threatened to shave my head, to cut off my WiFi access forever, to force me to stay at home rather than go to university etc. if I’m ever caught even talking to a boy. She even told my little sibling (who really doesn’t care TBH) to spy on me, and if I’m ever seen doing anything “unusual,” to report to her right away. I feel like I’m on lockdown and it’s ridiculous.
I feel like a bad daughter for going behind her back, but I also don’t want to bend my back for her every demand. I can’t date anyone. I can’t call or text anyone. I can’t hang outside with anyone. She tells me that I should behave like the other smart kids in my class, who supposedly only focus on their studies… But all of them are pursuing relationships and spending time with their friends. I’ve missed out on a lot of the “high school experience” (prom, football games, etc.) because of her rules, and consequently a lot of my close friends. I don’t believe that these restrictions would’ve hindered me from being successful as I was (Exhibit A: My boyfriend).
With one more month, my main concern when she makes these threats, is that she’ll find out. I don’t want to be infantilized or policed, and want to preserve my autonomy, but I’m scared. What else can I do to make sure that this doesn’t happen? How can I make her stop feeling so paranoid?