I (17M) feel disconnected and exhausted of my girlfriend 16(F)

For context, I have been dating this girl for 16 months. I saw her picture on Instagram after two years of not talking to each other (we met through mutuals one time but never talked or anything so I just knew of her), and I was immediately infatuated. Seeing her was like a breath of fresh air and helped me significantly get over a relationship where I was love bombed then blocked almost a year prior.

That day I saw ended up being her birthday and a friend that I had coincidentally texted that same day was also one of her best friends, so everything ended up perfectly. The first two months were really good and I constantly showered her with compliments and everything, I wrote her paragraphs regularly, some of which were over 10 pages long (like 2000+ words). She friendzoned me three times within the first month due to fear of being hurt but we somehow made things worse.

I took a trip t over the summer and everything went to shit. We went to visit a grandfather who was terminally ill and had been for years and there wasn’t much internet. Due to time zones and everything we weren’t able to text much and I didn’t really talk to anybody. Due to my loneliness there, I started overthinking and paranoia creeped into my thoughts. My grandfather was lying there in pain unable to move, losing their memories, yet most of the time it felt as if I was just there.

Everything felt numb, I did not feel the same towards anything. It didn’t feel like my girlfriend mattered, as if my family did either. I wondered if I’d care if they died and the thought horrified me. I was so scared and nauseated it felt like I had a depressive episode. Eating was hard, forcing food down my throat difficult and I felt nauseous often. I lost significant amounts of sleep because I told my girlfriend and she was hurting so bad but o couldn’t fully confirm I loved her. (Three months in for context)

She asked me if I’d care if she died and I said I didn’t know. She still chose to stay by me even tho she was hurting and I knew that what I was feeling couldn’t js be infatuation because I cared so much thought abt her so much and loved being around her so much, so I told her I loved her for sure.

I got back from vacation and we hung out regularly, like I saw her six times in one week. We snuck out and did sleepovers outside claiming to be at a friends house and so much more. Our relationship kind of moved really fast initially and we did do some intimate actions (not penetrative sex but foreplay and stuff), so I don’t know if that had anything to do with it.

Shortly after I got back, she lost a grandparent and I didn’t know what to do. I talked to her and tried to make her smile and all that but it still didn’t feel like I cared. She got really upset because I didn’t ask her if she was okay in the days following and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want her to feel upset I wanted her to feel better and a part of me thought she would be better if I didn’t ask but I’m genuinely not sure.

She then talked to me about effort, saying I didn’t call her first ever or write her paragraphs anymore. Yet that numb feeling still remained, even hanging out with my friends who would regularly bring me to tears with laughter didn’t feel real anymore.

She asked me to change and I failed to change. Right around that same time, homecoming came around. I wanted to make her a poster and I had this beautiful idea combining all her favorite things into an interactive poster that I knew she would love. But I couldn’t work on it at home because it was a secret from my parents, so I worked on it at a friends. The friend didn’t prioritize his gfs poster either even though I did, and I attempted to finish it in time but fear of my parents and things got in the way and I was unable too. She said I could have tried harder and I could have but in the moment I didn’t see the options she thought of in hindsight.

I wrote her paragraphs every month for anniversaries but she asked for paragraphs jusy because to make her feel appreciated, but I failed to do so. Then at that same time, she asked me to stop talking to this friend. This girl had been there for me through everything for years we had been each others lifeline of sorts. She truly was like a sister to me, but my girlfriend felt uncomfortable over our past relationship. I would compliment her regularly even tho I never had any romantic intentions because she was insecure about her looks. This was before I even met my girlfriend btw. One day, She texted me again out of the blue and said like “I MISS YOU, ITS BEEN SO LONG OMG” and I replied with “I KNOW” because I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.

I told my gf I felt kind of glad she texted again because that girl was my best friend at one point and it felt good not to have lost that connection despite not having years of talking. She got mad and then a few days later asked me to unadd her.

I felt unable to do so I didn’t understand why and after a small argument I did. She said I could add her back but it meant I prioritized that girl over my girlfriend and that I cared about her more. I didn’t know what to do and I thought there was a way I could show my girlfriend it wasn’t like that, so I added her back. Things got really bad after that and they never really healed.

Things kept happening. I missed our six months which meant a lot to her and caused another permanent rift. I failed to be there for her when her second grandfather passed. My grandfather passed and I still felt numb. I had cried over them in India, sobbed telling my friends about their condition yet it didn’t feel like I felt grief when this happened.

Then things started happening outside of my control, and she took her anger out on me. She would say things extremely cruel no matter what I did, I failed to change for her. Things kept happening and we broke up and got back together multiple times. Our arguments would leave us both at tears. She said something’s I’ll never be able to forget and I failed to be there for her.

Recently we had the worst argument broke up and miraculously got back together, yet things have felt strained. I feel disconnected from her and sometimes she treats me really unfairly. She never considers my perspective even when it provides some justification for tm actions. It’s still my fault but I believe perspective is important and she refused to listen.

Since then things have felt bad and I don’t know what to do. I know I care about her and I don’t want to hurt her. She’s the most amazing person in the world to me and she’s going through a lot. She told me she might have to move and I still don’t feel anything. I’m so scared I’m a bad person or if I’m losing feelings for her or what. I don’t know what to do. I felt kind of exhausted in our relationship but I struggle with so much I think I have depression idk what to do.

TLDR; My girlfriend and I have had a rocky relationship and after a recent fight I don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’m messed up mentally or I’m losing feelings for her, I don’t want to hurt her what do I do? I can give more context and didn’t say everything but that’s the general idea.
Be brutally honest, I’m so terrified.