When I [18F] was 17, I was standing alone in my kitchen. I was cutting vegetables to cook for my lunch. My mom and dad walked into the kitchen, talking about where they wanted to go for vacation. I wasn’t focused on them. I kept hearing someone talk to me in my ear. I heard it calling my name. I don’t know why it happened, but I turned to my parents. I said that ‘it wasn’t going to hurt’. My dad asked me what I meant. My mom looked confused. I held the knife, and I harmed myself. I fell to the ground, and my parents screamed. I don’t remember much, other than the fact my dad held a towel against my throat. I woke up in the hospital. Many trips to the psychiatrist later, and I was diagnosed with early onset schizophrenia. This happened a couple months ago. I’m now on medication. I’m so lucid most days. My parents locked all the cabinets. My extended family don’t know about this. When anyone asks about my scar, I just tell them that I accidently got scratched by a sharp object. I know what I did was wrong.
Comments
I don’t think it was wrong in the moral sense, please do not feel guilt. It doesn’t sound like you meant to do it or understood the implications.
Your diagnosis is serious! But having schizophrenia doesn’t make you a bad person or a wrongdoer. Please continue to follow your doctors orders and try not to hold this against yourself.
You got the help you needed because of what happened, and you won’t do it again. I wish you luck on your life journey, friend!
Im so glad you have people in your life that are there to protect you and support you.
Do you mean “i know im in the wrong” as in you made a conscious decision to do it and you don’t think you’re supposed to be on meds? If not, you’re not in the wrong, because you had no control over it. Schizophrenia is a mental illness that can make people do crazy things and that wouldn’t be your fault.
I’m sorry what for what happened to you.
Mental illness is not your fault. I’m glad you’re on meds and doing better
It is not your fault. You didn’t choose to be schizophrenic
It seems like your family really care and cherishes you. 💜 You did nothing wrong, it is something that is impulsive and uncontrollable. I’m happy you are medicated and I am very sorry you had to experience that…
I’m no expert on mental health, but I feel “wrong” is not the right word here.
It’s not your fault. But I am glad you’re still here
You didn’t do anything wrong. From one schizophrenic to another, it is not your fault.
Hon, thank god you did it! You saved your own life! That act set your recovery in motion. Pls give yourself grace
What you did was a result of your schizophrenia, not a lucid choice you made. You didn’t do anything “wrong” in the moral sense. I’m just glad that you did it in the presence of people who could get you immediate first aid.
Please always take your medication and reach out to your parents or psychiatrist if you feel shaky and out of control.
What you did wasn’t morally wrong, you are suffering from an extremely serious mental illness and were not in full control of your mind when you harmed yourself. Your parents know this. Please don’t feel guilty! Take care of yourself OP🤍
Hi Love, I also have schizophrenia. It can be scary, and a lot of us have gone through this. Unfortunately, self-mutilation can happen. There are lots of support groups out there and resources. I’m not going to lie, this is a hard journey, the medication’s are challenging at the best of times, and even then sometimes the symptoms don’t go away.I’m on medication, but I still have quite a few symptoms. But with a good support system, constant sleep, a healthy diet and therapy. It really helps keep the episodes at a minimum.
Don’t think of this as “wrong”. You didn’t do this maliciously. You were unwell and needed help.
I’m glad that you’re still here with us.
Boy am I glad we live in times where schizophrenia is not some stigmata that doom people.
50 years ago they would’ve locked you away in asylum, but now most of mental illnesses can be treated.
Wrong is not the word. This is not something you could control, this is not something that you decided to do out despite for somebody – wrong implies you should feel shame. Be kind to yourself.
Hon, mental illness is NOT your fault! Never think that! Don’t be guilty over something in which you had no control.
Idk if “wrong” is the most fitting word but I’ve always wondered why people live a life without hearing voices, then start hearing them, and think
“This is totally normal, makes perfect sense, doesn’t mean I have mental illness, and also I should totally just listen to and do what they say” 🙃
Like I don’t even trust my own feelings to guide me properly… so the idea of taking tips from random voices that just started talking in my head one day? Least trustable voices ever.
I’m sure there’s more to it, by I cannot fathom how “people aren’t supposed to have head voices” can be overcome by anything said voices would have to say.
That sounds like a lot to process. How are you feeling?
Honey, you have an illness. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical or psychological- it’s an illness that needs to be treated. Please keep seeing your psychiatrist and taking your medication. The medication will help you not to do things like that in the future. The illness is what made you do it. I’m so very glad you are getting help and I wish so much happiness throughout your life.
From the age of 20 onwards I was diagnosed as schizoaffective with bipolar by various psychiatrists here in the U.S. Do I agree with this diagnoses? To an extent.
I hear voices. In this case, voices to me have a literal and figurative sense. Every time I want to self harm I “hear” negative thoughts. In a literal sense I am hearing the voices of the people around me who have put me down, degraded or invalidated me. In a figurative sense, these voices are my own thoughts.
The thing is distinguishing between what is someone else’s thought or intent from your own can be difficult. So when psychiatrists or other mental health professionals ask me if I hear voices its a loaded question, and depending on how I feel I may answer yes or no.
What you did was not wrong. You couldn’t control it. You have a mental illness. There is nothing wrong with this, and I’m sure your parents feel the same way. Just continue following doctors orders, work on yourself, you will get past this. There is an awesome TED talk with a woman with schizophrenia. She went on to get graduate degrees if I remember correctly and live a normal life. You will get through this
I have mental health issues and attempted suicide when I was younger. When you are not in control of yourself you are not right or wrong. You have to consciously make the decision for that to happen and by your own statement you were not. Listen to your doctor and don’t stop your medication without guidance from them. Even if you feel better.
I was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic at 16, I am now 27. It’s scary, and I’m incredibly sorry this happened to you. I’m glad I hear the meds are doing well for you, but just know that you did nothing wrong. Do not beat yourself up over it, and realize that the things you might hear/see are an illusion. Almost like dreaming while awake, you cannot control it nor is it controlling you. It can however, convince you of many things. Do not let it.
Glad your parents got you help.
My fiance has schizophrenia. His popped put around the same age as you. He’s 29 and has a perfectly normal life. Medication and therapy goes a long way. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you. I’m glad your parents were there and got you the help you not only needed but deserved.
Wow that sounds so scary to deal with! Give yourself lots of grace. Good luck!
Hey, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. The chemicals and neurons in your brain are firing all kinds of different, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I’m so grateful your parents were there for you and you are on treatment plans now. While it’s not good to harm ourselves our others, don’t hold guilt on yourself over this. It’s not right but that doesn’t make you wrong.
I agree with everyone that what happened was not your fault. Remember where you were at that time and keep taking your meds and going to therapy. It’s so easy to feel better and think you don’t need those things anymore. I’m really proud of you for accepting help. Sending love
it’s not your fault, you did not choose your genetics. continue to take care of yourself love. are you doing better now?
I think you’re on the right track and doing your best, and that’s what’s important at the end of the day. We all make mistakes, but how we react and handle them is where the magic happens.
It’s not your fault. You have a mental illness and I’m rooting for you to be okay.
It’s not your fault. It’s a mental illness. Though I won’t doubt it freaked out your parents and yourself, it’s not your fault
You couldn’t control it while it may been a bad decision it doesn’t mean you should feel guilt over this just keep getting the help you need
Hey OP. You are loved and valued.
You’re not in the wrong. You had a psycotic episode and was not in control of yourself. Absolutely no shame in that.
Im so proud of you for getting help and getting on medication. Be consistent with your meds. ❤️
Glad you made it and can get the help you need 👍
Check out Kendyl Culpepper
She’s really helped to destigmatize living with schizophrenia and I hope her page helps you feel optimistic about finding the balance in care/meds that your brain chemistry is in need of. I hope that you have the support you need in your life to carry you through this traumatic event in your past.
Schizophrenia is intense, don’t beat yourself up over this. You have a mental illness that decided to show itself in a scary way. You didn’t do anything wrong, and now you’re getting the help you need to ensure this does not happen again. Although traumatizing, you could not have prevented this… especially if this was your first, or one of your first, episodes/signs.
I used to run a group home for “adults” anyone 18+ that had schizophrenia amongst other things and it’s completely manageable and it wasnt your fault you have to understand but we used to keep all sharp knives locked up but they could use them freely (as long as staff knew for safety concerns)
Recommend you read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I didn’t realize that everyone has the voices (ego). The key is to identify them (literally give them a name) and tell them directly to STFU.
For me, Inner Fat Kid, gets shut down every time I’m on a diet and he begs for cake. There are others, but he is the worst. My life became so “normal” (not really a thing) once I did this.