Me (F18) and my boyfriend (M19) have been dating for over 3 years. He’s my first boyfriend, and we are both each other’s first EVERYTHING. I love him and I don’t doubt for a second that he doesn’t love me. Where the problems start is he’s very protective. Some may consider it to be controlling. It’s difficult for me to draw that line, because I’m not sure if he really is being controlling or if I’m crossing his boundaries. Some examples is he complains and gave me shit for going on a family vacation for spring break (April). Saying I go on too many (I was just on a cruise in January and in Mexico back in September). When I was packing for said vacation I had bought a pair of white linen pants and he about had a melt down because they were “see through” which they weren’t unless I were to wear a pair of black underwear or a dark bathing suit. He also made a comment to me about wearing a mesh bathing suit cover up saying “why call it a cover up if it covers nothing” I ended up not bringing either of those pieces of clothing. I can’t wear crop tops unless I’m wearing them around him. Another thing is when I go to the gym I can’t go alone, and I cannot wear spandex shorts. At times I think to myself that maybe I’m being unreasonable because all relationships are different and this is just how mine is but other times I feel like he’s the one being unreasonable. Just last week I told him I was going on a hike with my two girlfriends, he responded with, “you’re always hangout with your friends.” He also told me that he feels as if I spend more time with my friends than I do with him. Mind you I see him every weekend for the whole weekend (Friday night-Sunday night). We live almost an hour away from each other. He has a full time job, and I work Tuesday-Friday and am about to start college in the fall. We’ve talked about getting married, moving in together, having a family together in the future. He’s very helpful with money and pays for anything I ask for him to. I enjoy spending time with him, but I just feel confused. I’ve tried explaining this all to him and he’s either very apologetic and says he will change and does for about a day then goes back to his original habits or says that I’m always mad at him and he’s not a bad guy.
Another problem we have a hard time finding a solution for is how different we want to time things. He wants to move in together asap, like now and get engaged. I would like to wait for when I’m finished with my program (fall of 2028) to move in together. I also want to LIVE with him before we are engaged or married. There are things that I want to accomplish and complete before these big steps and he wants to do everything ASAP.
When I think about us not being together it scares me because of how long we’ve been together and how comfortable I am with him. Also, if you’re going to respond with “if you’re questioning weather or not you guys should be together you already have the answer to your question” please don’t comment at all, because I really wish it was that easy. I apologize for this whole thing for being messy and unorganized, I’m currently writing it on my lunch hour at work. Thank you for your time!
TL;DR
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and we’re each other’s first everything. He’s very protective, which sometimes feels controlling. For example, he gets upset about my family vacations and certain clothes I wear, like linen pants or crop tops. I can’t go to the gym alone or wear spandex shorts. He also thinks I spend too much time with my friends, even though we spend weekends together.
We also disagree on timing. He wants to move in together and get engaged ASAP, but I want to wait until I finish college in 2028 and live together before getting engaged. When I try to talk to him about these issues, he either apologizes briefly or says I’m always mad at him. The thought of breaking up scares me because we’ve been together so long.
Comments
Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy. Don’t continue making a bad choice just because you’ve spent a long time making it.
From this side he seems very controlling, and that is not what you want in a partner. You are seeing the red flags, trust them.
He is not protective he is out right controlling, and it will only get worse. Stick to your guns about not moving in together until after you are done with college. See what happens in those years if you end up staying with him. Do not let him rush you on anything.
I do worry for you, because this is how abuse starts. The remarks about and controlling clothing, not wanting you to do things with friends and family, not “letting” you do things like going to the gym alone, and rushing you into marraige are all markers for future physical and psychological abuse. I say this as a licensed school counselor who has worked with teens who are experiencing dating violence. You need to read, “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It will be eye opening for you.
This is not normal. I know it feels like a lot because he’s your first everything, but that does not mean this has to be your life. If you were to live with him, he would get more controlling and abusive.
Just because you’ve been together a lot time does not mean you should stay together. It’s normal and healthy to do a lot of growing at that age, and sometimes that means growing apart.
I stopped at the clothing rules. This guy is a controlling asshole, and you should dump him. Now. Or better yet, yesterday.
I had an overprotective boyfriend. I felt that we loved each other deeply. Eventually, I wasn’t allowed to see my family, he ruined my relationships with others, I couldn’t have my own bank account, couldn’t drive, plan my own future or have autonomy over my own body. Fast forward, we are divorced with two young children who depend completely on me and he is over 10k in child support debt because of pride and ego.
The mom in me says this:
You are young and seem very intelligent. You have a bright future ahead. Don’t let a relationship with a man hold you back. Keep moving forward. There are people out there who you have never met who will worship you and make you feel on top of the world and you will never miss the person you were with before.
The lover in me says this:
love and not just love but this person is very important to you. Fight for this relationship, use this time as an opportunity for both of your personal growth and development. He is obviously having insecurities as you are both each other’s first everything, there are bound to be anxieties and unknowns.. so to show some understanding of his perspective, how he’s acting does make sense to me—not saying it’s right of him to act this way towards you but it makes sense.
Hire a good and reputable couples therapist together. if he wants marriage and a life together, tell him you want to deepen your connection and understanding of each other first. Working together with a professional is a game changer for dating couples I don’t care what anyone else says (especially when you’re young and “inexperienced”.)
Love is imperfect but always worth it.
Be assertive with what you want and value because it’s BOTH of your futures, not just his.
Dream together and don’t be afraid to dream big.
Don’t stop hanging out with your friends and encourage him to hang out with his or go do social activities because his brain will atrophy if he doesn’t, and you care about him so he’d better listen.
Relationships are built on trust at the end of the day and if you can’t wear what you would normally wear then he’s not showing that trust in you.
I could go on but from what I gather you are fighting for this relationship to work and my biggest piece of advice is this get a couples therapist and potentially even read this post during one of your sessions. Plain and honest.
Good luck, my friend 💜
Please don’t waste your formative years tied down to some controlling dude you started dating when you were both kids. Leave this person behind and go enjoy your youth. You need to be exploring and having fun while focusing on your education and growth. If you’re going to be dating at your age, it needs to be fun, carefree and with someone who supports you and lifts you up instead of trying to drag you down, control you and force you into life commitment you’re nowhere near ready for.