I just have to get this off my chest. We’ve been together for a few years and I’ve noticed he doesn’t ever initiate cuddling for more than 5 minutes. He barely ever wants to initiate unless he wants to get intimate. I mean, intimacy is good with me, but he rarely if ever cuddles me if not for that. We don’t even ever make-out, it’s just straight from 0 to 100. I’m not even saying it’s bad when we get intimate, I’m talking about anything but that. He doesn’t ever seem interested in doing anything unless it’s his intention to go further immediately after cuddling is initiated. I’ve tried to talk this out with him before, but not much has changed. If anything, it’s decreased. At the start of our relationship, he was excited to do these things, but as soon as we became more and more active, he stopped doing the smaller stuff (cuddling, making-out, you get the point) unless it was strictly before asking me to have sex. It makes me feel really sad. I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I know he probably just doesn’t like doing it, but I do. I want him to try and I want him to get better with me at it (we are both still considered “inexperienced” with making-out in my standards because he never wants to do it). If it means anything, he has autism so I can acknowledge he may not like the feeling of either cuddling or anything else regardless of if he wants to or something. Maybe he gets overwhelmed, but I feel bad bringing it up because we’ve been going through a lot of talks and things recently for unrelated things. Please help me figure out how to talk to him about this without causing a fight/emotional talk/etc. because he’s a really sensitive person and it kills me to always be the one with something that I find issue with. We regularly KISS, just not make-out, for clarification. These are all things I really want to desperately do, and I feel horrible for being so resentful and angry whenever I think about this.
TLDR; boyfriend never initiates cuddles or make-outs, just wants to skip to the prize. I initiate and ask him for it, but at most it lasts 5 minutes until he wants to stop/moves away. How can I discuss this with him for a second time without causing a fight or anything? He’s emotional and sensitive.
Comments
First off, I think non sexual intimacy is vital to any healthy relationship. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands and just being tender is special and so, so important.
Now, that being said, this is about compatibility and how important that all is to you.
For one reason or the other, he is not showing himself to be in to that and you have to decide if you can be with someone who isn’t fulfilling your needs.
Most importantly, you have to communicate that this is a need for you and not just a want. You need that in your life and if he is unwilling to give it to you then you may have to end things. That is not a threat, just an explanation.
That of course assumes that this is that important to you. It sounds like it is but only you know.
So then break up with him and date someone who isn’t using you for sex.
This will destroy you in the end. Leave.
You need to talk to him and tell him you’d like to cuddle or hold hands or kiss or whatever else you want to do more. Tell him it’s important to you. If he loves you and cares about how you feel then he’ll work to make changes. If he doesn’t, don’t settle. You’re so young and have plenty of time for finding a guy that will do these things, even without you asking him.
My boyfriend loves to cuddle, hold me, have me hold him, kiss me, hold hands, etc. I don’t even have to ask for it. He just does it. And you can find this too. Good luck!