I (18F) have been friends with an (18M) for 5 years. We kissed and I’m confused.

I’ve known this guy for almost five years now. We met when we were thirteen, and we’ve been incredibly close ever since. Now we’re both eighteen. Nothing romantic ever happened between us—we never hung out outside of school, only talked during class or through long messages and calls. We were a trio: him, me, and my girl best friend.

Earlier this week, we agreed to meet up briefly so he could return a book I lent him. It was supposed to be a 15 minute coffee, just a quick catch up. We ended up sitting there for four hours.

The first two hours were normal, just talking about life after high school, our confusion, our fears. Then somehow, and I genuinely don’t know how it happened but we kissed. The café was nearly empty, so no one noticed, but it just happened. He held my hands in his, kept complimenting me, and was unbelievably sweet. I had been nervous to meet him in the first place as I’ve always had feelings for him but i kept them hidden deep down, mostly because I didn’t even know if he was single or not (they’ve been together for almost four years).

After that first meeting, we saw each other again a few days later at another café, more secluded. And it felt completely different. He held my hands the entire time, showered me with compliments about my looks, my personality, everything. He kept saying how perfect I was for him. We kissed again, and then he told me he loved me.

That’s when my mind shut down.

Instead of feeling happy, I wanted to run. I wanted to disappear. I had waited for this moment for years. He’s literally the blueprint for every guy I’ve ever liked. He’s kind, smart, always been there for me. I trust him. But the moment it became real, when he started looking at me like that, touching me, saying those words, I just mentally shut off. All I could think was, How can we go back to being friends?

And here’s the thing, I didn’t even feel entirely uncomfortable. I just knew I didn’t want to be more than friends. But I couldn’t bring myself to say no. Not because I wanted it, but because I knew I wouldn’t resist anything if he asked. That part terrifies me.

I think this reaction is something I’ve always had. I start to like someone, maybe even fall in love and the second they show any interest back, I just want to end it, cut contact, and escape. I don’t know if it’s rooted in my messed-up relationship with my dad, who’s been emotionally absent my entire life. Maybe part of me doesn’t believe I can really be loved like that, or maybe I just don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let it happen.

But it’s confusing. Because I did want him. And now I don’t. Or maybe I still do, but I can’t feel it anymore because I’m just so confused.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I genuinely can’t imagine myself in a relationship with anyone, not just him. But now things are blurry and strange, and I just want to go back to before all of this happened.

TL;DR:
I kissed my guy best friend of 5 years. He told me he loves me and wants to be more than friends. I’ve always had feelings for him, but now that he’s returning them, I want to run away. I don’t think I want a relationship with anyone, and I’m scared this is a recurring pattern tied to my emotionally absent dad. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I don’t know how to move forward