Ok so before I even say anything, TW because I will be talking about rape and assault and I don’t want anyone reading this to get triggered or upset because they didn’t realize what they were reading. As well, all names are fake.
So I, 18F, and my boyfriend (Adrien), 19M, have been dating for five months and the whole time we have been together I have wanted to get something off of my chest. We are all recent high school graduates and all three of us are going to a local but well renowned university and this fact has also been causing me much anxiety. Adrien’s best friend, Silas (18M), assaulted or raped me (i don’t even know what to call it) about a year ago and I have no idea what to say to Adrien.
Ok so towards the end of our junior year last year (before I was friends with or flirting with Adrien) I was super close with Silas and we did a lot together. At the time he was 16 about to turn 17 and I was 17. All of our friendship he made it pretty clear that he found me attractive and was down to do anything with me. Eventually we did end up hooking up but it changed our friendship so much and he ghosted me for a few months before apologizing and telling me he felt like he took advantage of our friendship. When we started hanging out again it was fine until he tried making advances on me again.
One night before we were going to a party together he was over and I went into my closet to get a top to wear for the party. Silas walked into my closet behind me and started trying to touch me inappropriately so I left the closet and told him that we couldn’t do this again and that I didn’t want to loose him as a friend as I had just gotten him back. I could see he was annoyed and instead of listening to me he threw me onto my bed and got on top of me. At the time my door was opened and my mom was home so I told him that we couldn’t do anything and I was not at all interested and he got more annoyed. He was so upset that he drove home and I ended up going to the party with other friends. Less than a week later I was at a party and I was blackout when I ran into Silas. He was super high but much more coherent than me. He led me out of the party and down a nearby alley and he made me give him head.
After the fact, some friends found me stumbling around the street trying to find my way back to the party (thanks to life 360) as Silas had left me alone. The next morning I told my friend about what had happened and how it was kind of making me feel weird but she kind of brushed it off. I told another friend about it because too was close with Silas but she said that what happened to me would not stop her talking to Silas and that Silas was a close friend to her. Another friend that I told said that I should stop making myself be so venerable around him and that I can’t let this happen again.
What really stung is that Silas went around telling all of his friends that I was easy and that the only two good parts of me were my chest and rear. When I tried to talk to Silas about it he just brushed it off and called me crazy.
It had been almost a year since it happened when I met Adrien. I still haven’t told anyone except my three closest girl friends and they all kept quiet. I feel crazy and like I made the whole thing up to be honest. I don’t even know what to call what happened to me; did I get assaulted? raped? It’s all just so confusing. l
I want so badly to tell Adrien but I have no idea how he will react. When Adrien and I were dating Silas warned him that I was a “crazy bitch and not someone who should be messed with in any way” but Adrien ignored him. I love Adrien and I don’t want to ruin his friendship with his literal best friend but I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore. I’ve felt physically ill the past few days from how much anxiety this is causing me and even my parents are concerned. I am just so lost with what to do here.
TL;DR – I think my boyfriend’s best friend raped me and I have no idea how to tell my boyfriend as it happened a year ago and I don’t want to ruin my relationship.
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I think you need to bite the bullet and tell Adrien—you need to understand his character sooner rather than later. You don’t need to villainize Silas ir make him feel like you’re asking him to break up with his friend in the retelling just tell him exactly what happened and let him come to his own conclusions
First of all sorry you went through that. What he did was absolutely sexual assault and would be classified as rape in Australia at least.
Second I am sorry that so many of your friends turned out to be disappointing, cowardly shitheads. Those girls victim blaming you absolutely sucks, they are entirely in the wrong but it speaks to the reality that entire group of people are awful. Lots of us dedicate way too much time to shitty people when we are young, I had my own phase of that, but I really encourage you to distance yourself if you can especially since you are no longer stuck in highschool together. These are people that condone sexual assault, are they really the life you want.
Adrien needs to know. Both because he deserves to know what kind of company he keeps but also because you need to know what kind of company he represents as well. He already knows Silas has beef, likely he knows Silas’ version of events, I think setting the record straight is important for you to decide what comes next in your life. If their friendship ends it is not your fault, I want you to repeat that over and over, it is not your fault and is instead a result of the bad things Silas has done.
Stop getting blackout drunk, too. Jesus be safe
You were raped and you have to tell your boyfriend. Use his reaction to determine if he’s worth keeping.
The first one that he did was sexual assault, the second thing that happened was just him using you and taking advantage. Both are unacceptable, however as far as I know only one is illegal, and no you were not raped. This is something that you need to talk to your boyfriend about and if he sides with his best friend then you need to leave him.
He forced u to give him head?
Not 100% sure that’s rape. Tho I am willing to agree that it is. You definitely got assaulted tho. I would need more clarity into the “made you” part. But if you were blackout drunk there may be missing info, for all you know it was worse. I would 110% tell your boyfriend
You mentioned someone may have slipped something in your drink?
Do you have any evidence of that at all? I mean, did you hear about that happening, or going around? Could anyone possibly know if stuff like that was going around at the party?
You may be able find someone who knows or has access to that stuff it could be a lead.
You think he raped you? You said he forced you to give him a blow job?
Under age drinking to black out and super high on drugs. This is why there are laws for this. Kids arent ready to use these substances responsibly.
You probably shouldnt be in a relationship right now. You might end up putting yourself in another position where you could be taken advantage of. Assuming you care enough. Id stop drinking, stop dating. Work on your future. And find a conpletely different friend group once you are in college, with better quality people.
How is it even possible for someone to be forced to perform fellatio? I dont see how that could happen non-consensually without the risk of being bitting
I’m so sorry OP. Silas sounds like a huge creep and what he did to you was absolutely not ok. Before you make any rash decisions, you might want to speak to a therapist to work through your feelings.
Amazing how you could remember what happened while being blackout drunk. I usually forget what happens the next day.
I honestly don’t know if that counts as rape or not. I mean who’s to say what really happened since you were in your own words blacked out. Maybe it’s a bad idea to drink that much I don’t know.
FFS CAN WE STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM?
OP was sexually assaulted by Silas. TWICE. She was orally raped by Silas when he made her perform oral sex. Stop asking OP what she means by ‘made’. Silas made her pleasure him orally. It’s clear OP did NOT want this. Coercing someone into a sexual act is a crime.
OP, I am sorry you went through this, and I’m even sorrier for the ignorant responses you’ve gotten. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk – he took advantage of that. You were vulnerable and he knew this.
As for your friends, ditch them. Telling you that you shouldn’t make yourself vulnerable around him is victim blaming.
You did nothing wrong. Don’t listen to the comments here blaming you.
Not victim blaming here, just stating facts as an adult.
You should stop being stupid around people you can’t trust. He showed you you can’t trust him, he showed you what he wants, yet you insisted to force him into being your friend. This is not ok behaviour. Most people will do you harm if they can or need. We do not live in a fantasy world people will become inherently good, no we are inherently bad, including me and you, even if you don’t accept it now.
To the question: tell your boyfriend. They are friends, you don’t want this to get out in the most inappropriate situation. Take control and let him know on your terms.
A year ago.. Oof. Time is not your friend in this case, just saying- sorry for what may have happened though.