To start with — my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 months (4 months of dating), and just recently had our first talk about sex. I’ve posted on reddit before about this, because I’ve realized that I can’t stay in a relationship long-term without sex being part of it. But I can be patient — and I want to be.
After that post, I realized how superficial that might sound, which is why I’ve already started trying to grow from it. I’ve had my first therapy meeting with a counselor, and will go again next week after seeing my girlfriend.
Basically, from that last post, a redditor wrote a reply that really resonated with my girlfriend. It helped me understand how some people feel genuinely terrified, uncomfortable, or even disgusted by sex — including exploring themselves. That’s how my girlfriend feels. I believe part of it may come from her past struggles with anorexia, which might have left her with lingering body dysmorphia and deep-seated insecurity — even if she’s not fully conscious of it.
She also has long-standing anxiety issues, which make everything even harder. She’s been in therapy for most of her life. When she feels overwhelmed emotionally, she tends to shut down and “turn into a rock,” as she describes it — just wanting to disappear or hide from the world. She told me honestly that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever want sex.
Her family is very open about sex, and she hears all the time how good it supposedly feels — but instead of helping, I think that has just added pressure and made her feel even more alienated and uncomfortable about it.
I really want to be with her, because I love her as a person. But I’m also aware — from my last relationship — how important sex is to me. One of my main ways of expressing love is through physical touch, and she struggles with that too. Even more basic intimate gestures (like sitting on my lap, putting her full weight on me, or being skin-to-skin) can be too much for her.
She also shows some traits that seem autistic — my diagnosed autistic friends have noticed this too. That might contribute to some of her sensory sensitivities and emotional shutdowns.
The thing is, I’m young, and I’m not in a rush. I’m open to waiting and being patient — especially since I’d be her first. But I don’t want to be in this relationship just waiting for something that may never happen. That’s not fair to either of us.
What I really want help with is: How do I stop relying so heavily on physical affection? How do I stopping putting the weight of our relationship on something that might never come like sex? How can I improve myself and be a better partner for her, without abandoning my own need either?
TL;DR:
I (18M) love my girlfriend (18F), who struggles with sex due to anxiety, past anorexia, and likely autistic traits. She’s unsure if she’ll ever want sex, and physical touch is difficult for her. Physical intimacy is very important to me, but I want to grow past relying on it to feel loved. I’m already starting therapy. How can I work on myself and support her better without ignoring my own needs?