For context my (18M) girlfriend (18F) and I have been together for 4 years. She has a spam/private account that she posts on almost everyday talking her daily life, her problems, venting/ranting, even personal stuff or just memes and such. She only has a small handful of people following her. She doesn’t know that I stalk this account every single day (yes I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I lowkey can’t help myself). We don’t follow each other on any type of social media so I feel like I have the need to check every day just to see how she’s feeling because she doesn’t talk about all that too much.
Anyways, a week ago we had a fight because I went out drinking with my siblings and I told her I wouldn’t be out late, things got out of plan and I ended up coming home at about 7am.
I got really shitfaced crossfaded and honestly don’t even remember much of what I said/done (Not excusing my actions just saying).
She, of course got mad at me for coming home late which is my fault, she called me “a fucking liar” and then I exploded because of that. I ended up calling her a b****, told her to shut the F up multiple times, pushed/pulled her around because she was trying to leave the room, and almost broke the doorframe/TV. This is the first time something ‘this’ serious has happened and I know this is all really really bad and I apologized heavy for it.
After that I passed out and the next day she packed all my bags and sent me a long paragraph about what happened, what she felt about it, and other things. She told me she got scared of me and she thought I was gonna physically hurt her. This really, really hurt to hear because I never wanted to be that type of person.
I also checked her private account and she posted “who up watching their bf slowly get abusive” and “I didn’t recognize him”.
We both ended up talking about what happened and other things and she forgave me, but I feel like it’s not resolved.
I’ve always known I’m a bad partner and because of this I used to sabotage us by starting arguments and such or ignoring her/talking to other people, I have cheated on her twice during our relationship. I think I also subconsciously try to isolate her because I asked why she wasn’t hanging out with her friends at all lately and she told me that I’m gonna get mad at her. I’ve realized I’ve also make negative comments about her friends to get her to stop talking about them.
All of her friends hate me (understandably) and I can’t help but hate them as well. They’ve also made posts about how I don’t give her space and stuff.
I obsessively stalk all her socials when we’re apart. I’m very co-dependent and every second we’re not together it just feels like the world is ending because I love her a lot, losing her scares me the most, to the point I don’t see a point in living if she ever left me. I’m a very jealous person and every single time she’s out with her friends I can’t help but think she’s cheating on me. I’m not sure how to, I guess fix myself.
There are also many other negative things that happened during our relationship but this post would be way too long if I said more.
TL;DR I think I’m abusive/getting towards there and I’m not sure how to “fix” myself, I love my girlfriend but I don’t want to hurt her