hello, so as the title says my bf hates having sex with a condom and will most likely just leave to go do something else if i insist. he says it feels like nothing & i’ve let him not use one in the past so why now? but i just really want to be more protected especially as we’re still young (f19 & m22) and im learning more about my body and the risks of unprotected sex.
but he just gets so annoyed when i ask him to put one on and will argue with me about it, so then we go weeks without doing it, and he’s sexually frustrated and takes that anger out on me.
i don’t know how to progress in our relationship? he insists that he doesn’t want to break up, but i don’t see how this situation can be compromised.
tldr: boyfriend says condoms make him feel nothing and won’t have sex with one.
edit: thanks for all the clear comments. i guess i just felt unjustified and crazy, but there’s other issues with him regarding sex that haven’t been clear to me until now. thank you so much everyone for clearing my head and seeing things as they are.
edit2: i know this just gets worse and worse… but the baby trapping comments have me FREAKED out because once he did say he was gonna “put a baby in me” whilst performing sex on me. you’re all 100% right and im so thankful because i’ve had nobody to talk to about this and everyone’s input makes me feel like im not the crazy one thank you so much.
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There is no way around this.
If you are not using protection then you are actively trying for a baby.
He doesn’t respect your request for him to wear a condom. He doesn’t respect you. End the relationship.
This isn’t a healthy relationship. You deserve better.
Him saying that just let’s you know you should not have sex with him.
Break up. Hes made it clear that he does not care about you
He’s neither a good boyfriend or a decent person
Then say no to sex.
He doesn’t care about you.
nope nope nope. all the nope. fuck that.
if you don’t want a pregnancy, then birth control is a must, and he needs to stop being a whiny little boy about it. he needs to respect your bodily autonomy, and your needs and concerns. he needs to grow the fuck up.
if he’s trying to insist that you do a thing sexually that you aren’t comfortable with, he’s being a bad person and a bad partner. if he pushes it until you concede, then that’s coercion and assault.
if he’s “taking his anger out on [you]” over this, then he’s being a bad person and a bad partner.
him having tantrums at you because you correctly and rightfully want to take precautions, then he’s being a bad person and a bad partner.
drop this dead weight. you deserve better than this whiny, selfish little boy.
OP where is your mother?
Is there really no strong woman in your life to teach you how to be a self respecting woman?
When you don’t want to do something sexually and someone insists. You end the relationship.
When you say no and someone takes their anger out on you. You end the relationship
Just because you did something once, or 1,000 times doesn’t mean you EVER have to do it again.
Dump this boyfriend and move on.
Honey, if he’s taking sexual frustration out on you, that’s abuse. Please break up with this man and get somewhere safe. Even if he hasn’t touched you, verbal and emotional abuse exist. You’re young; you’ll find the right partner who will respect your boundaries and wishes, not an impotent man-child like what you currently have.
Break up. He’s selfish and potentially abusive.
You need to break up with this guy ASAP, no kidding. He does not have your best interests in mind. This is a deal-breaker.
I literally have surprise baby from pulling out.
He’s lying.
He’s also trying to pressure you into something you don’t want.
If you’re not using protection, you are actively TRYING TO HAVE KIDS.
Leave. You deserve better.
Leave him….he makes good men look bad. Fact is he is a child if he doesnt respect you.
LEAVE HIM. FFS, do not even consider this.
As someone old enough to be your father let me tell you. Any man who is lucky enough to get in your pants should do exactly how you like it to happen and be enthusiastic as a puppy for his kibble.
Sex is just as much as on your conditions as on his and if they don’t meet it just isn’t gonna happen. And the condom not allowing him to feel anything is bullshit.
This is not the man for you and never will be.
Run run run & fast
Do NOT have sex with him. BREAK UP WITH HIM! He does not respect you or your boundaries. If you don’t use protection, you will end up pregnant (or with an STD if he won’t wrap it up). I can also guarantee you end up pregnant, he won’t see it as his problem.
ETA: sex by coercion and manipulation is a form of rape. He is trying to guilt you into sex, and when he doesn’t get his way he is emotionally, and probably verbally, abusive.
No is a complete sentence and him trying to manipulate you into agreeing to do something you are uncomfortable doing is a really big red flag.
He doesn’t love you!
This is not an area where compromise helps or works.
If he doesn’t respect your “no” and keeps asking, break up.
This is more than a red flag. This is an actual relationship ending problem.
Date people who respect your boundaries and care about your health, safety, and opinions.
If he doesn’t feel anything there are ways around this like using very thin condoms or going for lamb skin condoms which feel much more natural and will protect against pregnancy only. Honestly if he doesn’t want to use protection when it’s something you’re asking for then I would breakup with him
Do not compromise. He is choosing his own pleasure over your comfort and saftey. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea who won’t do this. My friend and her HUSBAND who she has been with for 20 years use condoms because it makes her feel more comfortable/safe. There is no excuse.
You’ve stated your boundaries that he continues to ignore. Dump him.
Everyone else has already left all the helpful comments so I can just say I hate your boyfriend and you deserve someone who doesn’t treat you this way.
This is stealthing and it’s illegal. Run.
The good news is you have two straightforward options: throw the whole man out (recommended), or let him turn you into a teenage mom.
Don’t waste your time with someone who cares this little about you.
So this isnt personal to you, but you need to take this as a life lesson that your boyfriend isnt a caring partner. It is not strictly his choice to dictate terms for sex. If you dont want to have unprotected sex, that is YOUR RIGHT. Him getting upset and yelling at you is toxic, very toxic and you need to open your eyes and see that. You’re being responsible about sex and your boyfriend is emotionally manipulating you just to satisfy his needs.
You have a choice to make and im sure based on what I wrote already, you know what choice you should do. But you need to tell him that its your body, not his. It’s bullshit that he feels nothing, I hate using condoms like any other guy but I still can feel using a condom. Yeah its not as good but there’s still feeling. So you tell him, he either learn to respect you as a woman and his gf and use a condom if he wants sex or he can go find another gf
No means no!!!!!!
He’s trying to baby trap you. Leave.
break up. you’re young and if he can’t respect this simple request then he’s not the right partner
I feel an NSync song coming on. Specially “Bye Bye Bye”. You’re going to end up with a kid, and he’s going to run off and leave you holding the bag.
*xbf. You’re young. There are plenty of people out there ready and eager to hand exactly the relationship with you that you want to have, and exactly the sex you want to have. Failing that, most people will at least accept reasonable compromises in this area. Risking your health for his boner is not reasonable.
He doesn’t respect you or care about your reproductive health and well being. Or your future in general. Break up. A man who leaves to go do something else if you insist to use a condom is doing that to manipulate you.
I’m glad you’re existing yourself in the risks of unprotected sex. Good for you. Next life lesson: don’t have sex with men who aren’t trustworthy and who don’t respect you like your bf.
One thing I ask myself before I have sex is: would I trust this man if we had an oops baby? If you two cannot talk honestly and openly about these things and be fairly aligned, then I recommend walking away or do only non PiV sexual activities. You can have fun and not risk pregnancy. Still some risks around STDs but at least you’ve removed one factor. Good luck.
Honey, he’s full of shit. No it’s not the same as not using one, but not being able to feel anything is not true at all. He’s throwing a temper tantrum to get you to agree to let him violate your boundaries. But let me explain something to you – this is your WHOLE LIFE at risk here. If you are not using protection, then you are actively trying to get pregnant, period. Is this the guy you want to raise a baby with? The one who takes his anger out on you (toxic AF!) The one who won’t respect you or your boundaries? (Toxic AF!), The one that doe’nt even want to spend time with you if you don’t perform for him like a literal sex servant? (This is so toxic, you need to leave please).
Look, he can insist all he wants. Your answer should be, “Well I guess we need to break up because I’m never going to agree to that.” It’s not his decision to make, it’s yours. And if you want to have protected sex only, then you aren’t going to sleep with him at all anymore. That’s it. There’s no way around this. And his behavior about it with you is incredibly disrespectful – if you give in to him he’ll respect you even less. And you’ll respect yourself less. That’s not how we do it.
You have a boundary and you keep it firm. Anyone who loves and respects you will not push you to change it. When someone does, it’s time to cut them loose.
This isn’t healthy. He’s putting his wants over your boundaries.
Being safe and protecting yourself is top priority. Don’t let his selfish ass guilt you into having sex without a condom UNTIL you are ready for it n
What a selfish prick
End it and find a respectful boyfriend.
Didn’t read past the title. Do whatever the f you want to or don’t want to do. Sex is a mutually consensual act, you have 100% of the say in what happens to you. If you want to use protection and he doesn’t, then he doesn’t get to have sex with you, simple as that.
My girlfriend wanted to stop taking birth control. She had my full support because I don’t think hormonal birth control is a good thing. I knew that would mean either switching to a new form of contraception or abstaining from sex.
Safe responsible sex requires both parties. For whatever reason your boyfriend thinks more with his lower head than his brain. It’s up to him to decide if he wants to breakup over this, it’s obvious you don’t. You set a boundary and he has to accept it or not accept it, but not accepting it will result in a break up.
If he is so hell bent on having unprotected sex and you two are planning to be together for a long long time, tell him to get a vasectomy.
Before you are two paths!
Path one – concede to his desires, become pregnant and a single mother! You will forever be connected to a self-centered flotsam who never respects you. Ever.
Path two -say no. You can insist on no condom equals no sex. See how he responds then. he may show his true stripes.
Dump him then
I don’t even need to read this to answer. If he’s not respecting your request he doesn’t deserve to do anything with you. It’s almost like it’s obvious why he’s not dating someone already In their 20’s.
I’m gonna be straight with you just break up with him because he clearly does not respect your boundaries or your decisions you’re still young and you’re still learning about your body and that sort of stuff so you have your whole life ahead of you for that kind of stuff so just focus on yourself for now and live your best life
Best advice you can get is to break up with him. If he’s going to insist you have unprotected sex and then get angry when you say no, then there’s no respect there.
Of course, you could always insist that he get a vasectomy and see how he likes having an ultimatum, but ultimately he doesn’t respect you and there’s nothing you can do to change that
This seems to be an epidemic given how often this exact situation comes up on posts on Reddit. Luckily it doesn’t take long (here it took less than 12 minutes) for the edit to appear saying that OP now understands what all the comments say, just like all the comments under every similar post.
I wish this epidemic could end with some a common understanding:
Condoms are not the only way to protect yourself from STDs or pregnancy.
Condoms reduce sensitivity for some men. It’s not pretend. It’s a real thing.
Just because someone consented to something in the past doesn’t mean they have consented for ever more.
Pressuring anyone into a sexual act is wrong.
Sulking is childish.
Communication is always the key to any relationship problem.
A couple who works together against any problem will go further than a couple that work against each other.
He is full of shit. Breakup with him.
Going to repeat another comment – YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO HAVE A BABY.
Do you think some child who doesn’t understand consent, doesn’t respect you, and pouts when he has to wear a condom will be there if you get pregnant? Nope.
Do not EVER have sex without protection unless you plan for a child. And remember that if he is having unprotected sex with you – and will literally walk out if you force him to use protection … HE IS LIKELY DOING IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. So another reason for condoms is STI protection.
Ugh … removing comprehensive sex ed from schools was the stupidest thing ever.
Dumped. He’s purposely trying to impregnate you and when he does it’s going to be YOUR fault. It’s a trap. He’s an AH.
If he is not listening to your concerns why is he still your boyfriend? This will only get worse.
lose the loser.
Too bad for your boyfriend it’s your body and you control access to it.
No condom. No sex.
He doesn’t have to carry a body destroying child if anything goes wrong.
If he doesn’t understand, you dump his ass. And don’t be nice about it.
DO NOT give in to him.
Infact, just break up with him.
This happened to me when I was 20 and I did not stand up for myself.
Long story short: He knocked me up and my son is 23 now.
Left his dad when my son was just a few months old and it was AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE dealing with that man for the 21 years of legal child support and co parenting.
Stand up for yourself, put your foot down, do whatever you need to do.
Don’t date somebody who gets angry when theu dont get sex and takes it out on you and doesn’t respect your comfort a d safety when having sex. You have ypur whole life ahead of you is this how you want to spend it? As so eone elses sex toy? Bc hes bot treating tou like a person.
Tell him he can put anything he wants into his vagina. You make the rules for yours.
Tell the dude he is lucky to have a girl who wishes to engage in sex with him and should be willing to use FOUR condoms if need be. And if he runs then bye! You have your entire future ahead of you. If someone really cares, there will be room for compromise. I am 44 and still refuse to go on birth control because of side effects. I am seeing a guy that learned to accept the fact that its condoms or nada. He can always get snipped is what I say! 😁
No, absolutely not. No way, no how!!
If your not into it he needs to respect that honestly
Break up with him, not in person.
Seeing posts like this is depressing because where are all the parents and role models that these daughters are growing up thinking things like this are even remotely acceptable?
No is a complete sentence.
No means no.
Respect yourself.
Have you never heard any of these before??