Okay, first and foremost I’m going to go ahead and admit it, before I met my girlfriend I had a horrible problem with lust. I would watch porn, look at peoples pages, and whatnot. I was in a stage of kinda getting myself together when I met my girlfriend and we hit it off really good. I began to not look at other girls as much and I was focused solely on her.
Now here’s where things began to go downhill…I work at Walmart and let’s just be honest, attractive people of all shapes colors and sizes come through there…I mean come on it’s Walmart and about 3 months in I kinda came out off that goo goo eye stage and began noticing people again which at first scared me but after researching and talking to people I realized that it was normal and it was just because I was “alive” and a “heterosexual male” but nothing really came of the thoughts. I would say “dang she has a fat ass in my head” but I would eventually push that out and keep it pushing.
Well it started to get out of hand to where fleeting thoughts would begin to go through my mind and I began to feel guilty but I wouldn’t give in to them. But then I began to have dreams of doing things with other girls. One night I had a dream about being seduced by a girl that I know and who I found attractive in the past but after I realized how shitty she was (before my gf btw) that attraction faded away. But when I woke up I was hard and so to try and convince myself that I wasn’t as attracted to her as my morning wood was suggesting I went and looked at her social media bc I was convinced after seeing it I would snap back to reality and I would realize this wasn’t what I wanted. That was NOT the case. It fueled it even more and I ended up giving in and masturbating to it. I have no contact with her and when I went to look at her stuff I unblocked her because that was how like over her I was. But yeah I masturbated and felt like shit afterwards.
I mustered up the courage to speak with my mom about this and when I told her all the details and how I actually knew the girl but I had no feeling and it was just a horny dream she told me it was normal to get turned on by other people and stuff and even to mastirbatd to it as long as I didn’t go and physically or emotionally cheat. This made me feel better but I promised myself I wouldn’t let things like this happen again. BOY WAS I WRONG. I did good for a day or two but I kept thinking about what my mom had said and as these fantasies would flood my mind with other girls or curiosity I stopped fighting it off and I began to give in and masturbate more and essentially let my mind run wild. I started watching porn again I would look at girls who I didn’t really know but I’ve been around them in the past and was attracted to them. And I continued to do it under the impression that it was normal and healthy. But after doing it last night I began to be overcome by guilt. So I began doing heavy research on what I was doing and it turns out a lot of people would consider this as cheating but I didn’t do it under the impression of that was what I was doing. I thought it fell under the category as “boys are gonna be boys”
Me and my girlfriend have talked over what we believe is cheating and whatnot and we both came to the agreement that cheating for us is going and having a physical or emotional affair with somebody else and we also agreed that flirting and trying to entertain other people outside our relationship is a no no. I haven’t done any of those things I’ve only looked and jacked off. And tbh I only do it when I’m bored. Like I have no desire to do any of the things I actually fantasize about or what passes through my head. It sort of makes me horny I jack off and I go back to loving my gf. And I’m not emotionally tied to any of these girls either. And if the opportunity to cheat on my amazing gf came to me on a silver platter I would shut it down immediately.
Look I’m not here to hear about how terrible of a boyfriend I am or how y’all hope she dumps me. I’m also not here to justify anything that I did. There’s nothing anyone can say to me that I haven’t thought twice already. I just want to know
A. Is what I’ve been doing the past week and a half to 2 weeks cheating and
B. What can I do to manage these thoughts better.
I intend on quitting regardless because I don’t like doing it and it doesn’t fulfill me. I want to do this for my sake but more importantly her sake too. I might also add that if she did this I wouldn’t consider it cheating but I also would prefer she keeps it to herself, yk. She has admitted to finding other guys as attractive hot or cute but idk and if she masturbated to it or not. It hasn’t had any direct effects to our relationship yet and I am still very much sexually attracted to her…wayyy more than the others. And I will say I did masturbated to her and only her until the dream happened then it was kinda a flip flop scenario.
TL;DR- How can I get my relationship back on track after my lustful habits have resurfaced?