Hey Reddit. I never thought I’d be doing this lol, but I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for almost 2 years. We’ve built a life together. We go on trips together, my 2 cats (who are like my children) ADORE him. My family loves him and thinks the world of him. We just signed a lease and moved into our first apartment in March, life has been so good and I’ve been so happy. He’s my person, my rock. Until a few days ago, I found on an old phone of his that he was active on a subreddit for gay men in our state. Almost every single day for months. He was messaging guys, flirting, and talking about meeting up. He swears up and down that he never actually hooked up with anyone and that it was just “a fantasy” or some kind of “addiction” he couldn’t control. It felt like a betrayal on every level. When I found out, I completely lost it. I broke some of his things. I was so overwhelmed, I wasn’t thinking at all. I also did something I regret more than anything. I outed him. I posted about it on social media, and I told his mom. I wasn’t trying to be cruel, I was just angry and heartbroken and didn’t know how to process what was happening. But I know it was wrong, and now I feel sick with guilt. He’s been devastated. He’s apologized over and over, saying it was like an “addiction,” that he never stopped loving me, and that I’m all he’s ever wanted. He’s sobbed in front of me, shaking, saying he doesn’t want to lose me. And I don’t want to lose him either. I think I might have borderline personality disorder (I’m not formally diagnosed yet), but I’ve done a lot of research and everything lines up. He was my FP (favorite person), the one I attached to, and emotionally depended on. That kind of bond isn’t easy to break. Even though he’s the one who hurt me, I still want him. I still love him. I still want to beg for him back. Everything is so complicated. We’re still trying to figure out what to do about our lease. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of heartbreak, guilt, love, and confusion. We’re so young, and he’s going to be so successful. he’s smart, driven, he has so much going for him. And I can’t help but feel like I’m not. I’m still figuring out what I want in life. I feel so behind. Like eventually, he’s going to grow into this amazing version of himself, and I’m just going to fade into a mistake he made in his past. That thought hurts more than I can put into words. I don’t want to lose him, but I also don’t know if I can stay. I don’t know how to move forward, whether it’s with him or without him. If anyone’s been through anything like this, wtf did you do? How do you live with all this love and all this pain at the same time?
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going thru something similar. lmk when you find out how to get over it lol
(we’re all in this together and you did not deserve that)
Hes gay but cant admit it, or at least bisexual, if you can live with that your good
Trust is a killer of a lot of good relationships. Your BF needs to admit that he is bisexual or at least was, if he was texting men he definitely tried to hook up with some. He may swear he didn’t but it was his fantasy so maybe he did. To be clear he was messaging men whilst you were together? This is 1000% cheating. There is no way around this but to leave. Its a mistake to stay with someone in denial about his sexuality, he’s addicted to it so its not some feeling he can just switch off he can’t control it. He will only hurt you and cheat again if you stay. I know it hurts what he’s done but you can’t trust him. If you stay you’ll be forever worried if he is doing something behind your back. Break the lease & do break up its the only way and then get a therapist.
Cho Cho!
You should start with getting an STD test.
Make fun of him and find a new partner
You are so young, it’s time to experience this terrible heartbreak and move on, it’s not easy but I think from this situation it’s best to end it
i’m so sorry. i was cheated on before, and it’s really traumatic. it creates or re-opens trust wounds.
you say you suspect BPD, did you suspect that before you met him? BPD is a pretty serious cluster b disorder hallmarked by extreme mood swings and splits and self image issues. i don’t personally know you but you crashing out on your bf doesn’t seem like splitting from what i read, but a completely valid crash out after getting betrayed by the man who was supposed to love you.
You should absolutely not be together. He did the wrong thing but now he needs solo time to work out who he is, what he’s into and what he wants. It took me a couple of years to be comfortable with my sexuality, personally. Your reaction could also have unintended repercussions.
Good news though is that you are both young. You may end up best friends who laugh about this years down the track.