Weve been in a relationship for almost a year. He (24M) has a porn addiction and we are currently in the process of starting couples therapy for that. He had this for a long time. However this escalated.
I (20F) am hurt. Extremely.
His ex that he only had sexual encounters with keeps contacting him. She sent him nudes, he opened it and… yk. He told me about all of it. He told her multiple times to block him so he doesn’t contact her when he has addiction attacks. However she keeps unblocking him and doing the things. He is vulnerable right now, really depressed and told me that it’s completely up to me to forgive and try to work through this or split up. He says he’s willing to work through this because he loves me so much and hates himself for what he did. He admitted that the addiction went through his head and that it’s about time to start working on it. Like i said we’re starting couples therapy.
I’ve choosen to stay and forgive. I feel deeply hurt and my trust is broken. I don’t know what to do or how to cope. I know that forgiveness is a process but i really need to see his actions over words.
I don’t know if this counts as cheating. He never touched anyone while with me. I’ve set boundaries since this happened. If it happens again i will be leaving, no matter how much he means to me..
What after this? Should he be forgiven or left? Is this cheating?
TL;DR my boyfriend has been contacted by his ex multiple times, did a disgusting thing and i don’t know if i should stay.
Comments
My biggest question is why doesn’t he block her then? I’m big on actions versus words. He can tell you all day long he loves you, but are his actions and behavior matching? Has he himself gone to therapy for this?
The definition of cheating could be : “doing anything with someone that would hurt the feelings of our partner if they were to know”
In that case, I believe that it emotional cheating.
Good that you two go to couple’s therapy. You’ve made a courageous decision to stay, and give him a chance.
I advise you to also set a time frame for this attempt, that would be dedicated to trying everything you two can do make it work. Could be 3 months, 6 months. Whatever sounds realistic and reasonable for you.
But if his addiction is not solved by the end of the time frame, then you have to protect yourself.
This sounds exhausting, surely there are better men near you who would treat you better and not flirt with their ex and cheat on you right?
Needing couples therapy for a relationship less than a year old honestly baffles me.
Less than a year in, this should be the rose-tinted glasses, wild roller-coaster of new-relationship energy, especially at your age. You should barely be able to keep your hands off each other- not battling addictions, suspecting cheating and needing professional help!
Don’t waste your youth on this. Leave while you’re still untangled and enjoy your youth.
your boyfriend has been contacted by his ex? Or your boyfriend contacts his ex because he is still obviously attracted to them and enjoys their attention on him? Him asking her to block him isn’t him taking a step back it’s just him putting on a show for you. it’s actually very easy to not talk to someone if you’re really not into it.
You say he’s got a porn addiction so why is he still contacting the ex when if it was an addiction he’d be happy watching any porn. it’s not the porn that’s at fault (well it could be but that’s not the obvious issue here) the two of them do not respect you or your relationship… easy as that. If it hurts you that bad, that you think it’s just a porn addiction, then save yourself the heartache and leave. No one can make you leave expect you, or you’ll just keep being disappointed by him. Run before boyfriend turns into husband or worse ‘baby daddy’.