I just really need to vent and get some advice. A month ago, my bf (23M) and I (20F) moved into an apartment together. We both moved out of our parent’s houses, so it’s our first time living on our own. A little info: my bf and I have been dating for two years now. Our relationship was a medium distance (an hour drive away from one another) and we started talking about moving out together about a year and a half into the relationship since everything was going well. My bfs condition was that he wanted to be closer to his work. He works overnight shifts at a manufacturing plant in a big city. At the time, this was about a 30 minute drive from his hometown and an hour from mine.
I was hesitant as I would be leaving my family, friends, and a job I loved. So for a couple months, I did research to try and find an apartment in the middle of our jobs, but everything was either too expensive or in an unsafe neighborhood. So we moved to the big city where his job is at. We love the apartment and feel comfortable. However, I had to quit my job and find something closer as the hour commute would be too long for me to make everyday. I recently found something similar to my original job and started a couple weeks ago.
The change has been really difficult for me. I’ve been crying a lot over how much I miss my family and friends. And finding our routine and dividing household chores has been challenging for the both of us. For the past month, I’ve chalked it up to being stress of living together for the first time but now I’m starting to second guess everything.
I’ve found myself doing 80% of household chores: grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, managing communication with the landlord, decorating the apartment, etc. Everyday I pack my boyfriend’s lunch for work and make him coffee. He does not do these things for me. I’ve tried asking my bf for a more balanced division of labor but I’ve always gotten excuses: “I don’t have the time” “I’m tired from my long shift” “The apartment isn’t even that dirty so why clean it” “You don’t work long hours like I do”. And this morning was my breaking point. I made my bf cup of coffee and he ended up spilling it on the white bedsheets. He immediately blamed me for filling the cup too much and asked me to clean it since he was running late for work. I spent a long time getting the stain out of the sheets and mattress. I also tried having a conversation with him about blaming me for the spill. It really didn’t go anywhere. I tried brushing it off, but had a breakdown while he was at work. I feel that I’m doing more chores and not getting any help or recognition. I’m also feeling very alone since moving away from my hometown and have no one to talk to about this. My boyfriend is my best friend and the love of my life. How can we fix this and how can I feel more confident in our decision to move? Any advice is greatly appreciated!
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This is what happens when kids try to play house. It’s a lot of joint responsibility, and if one of you isn’t up to it, it’s going to be a mess. You said that you did all the work to find the apt. That should have been a red flag. How are you splitting expenses?
I think it’s generally better to individually go out renting with roommates first so you learn to adult first with people you care less about rather than putting all that stress on a relationship.
>my boyfriend is my best friend and the love of my life
I wouldn’t even treat my best girl friend like this. Maybe he’s the love of your life, but he’s not loving you back. It sounds like he wanted to move closer to work, and instead of finding a roommate so he could save money, he just convinced you to move instead, so that way he could get a roommate and maid at the same time.
Ask the landlord what the penalty is for breaking the lease, then break the lease and move back home. I’d suggest living with roommates or friends first before moving in with a boyfriend. And next time you do, don’t allow them to use weaponized incompetence or straight up bullying to get you to be their mommy. And don’t ever give up everything for a man who won’t give up a single thing for you.
Uuggg I wish we would stop doing this. Ya it was expected of us since forever but we have options now. Get out and never look back.
first and foremost there’s three options, live/deal with it, break your lease (probably the healthiest), or start playing his game (id probably do this but i’m a little toxic idk).
if he says the apartment is clean enough, fine it’s clean enough. if he washes the dishes low effort/like shit, serve him food on a dirty plate. get okay with living in mess for a while, otherwise you’re gonna burn yourself out. stop with the packing lunches and making coffee, tell him there’s left overs from last night and he can whip something up. play his game, be as inconsiderate as he is, be a mess. he will either shape up or you’ll see his true colors (the fact that he wanted a bang maid).
Hmm, sounds like y’all weren’t ready to move in together. I think it’s usually better for everyone to live on their own or with roommates first after moving out of their parents’ home, before ever considering moving in with a partner. Learn how to adult and do all the adult tasks that come with a household before you also try to navigate living with a romantic partner and the new stresses that brings.
What if you got your own place for a while? You can each figure out how you like to live and get used to the routine of taking care of your households, rather than falling into this trap you seem to be falling into where all the household labour defaults to you as the female partner. Your bf needs to learn to adult too and understand that it’s as much his responsibility as yours.
And you’re only an hour away from where you used to live, it sounds like, so it should be easy to go visit your family and friends as often as you want.
P.s. and for God’s sake stop making his lunches and coffee. Bf can figure out how to feed and caffeinate himself.
For a start I would stop doing anything that he doesn’t do for you or show appreciation for. And then you guys need to sit down and figure out a fair division of labour.