My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. I will preface by saying he has been nothing but loyal to me. I feel really guilty because I had no reason to go through his phone, curiosity just got the best of me while he was at work. When he and I first started hanging out, he was somewhat fresh out of a year long relationship (his longest relationship prior to me) and was still talking to his ex girlfriend every once in a while, which I was aware of. I have always been aware of this and I am not mad because we were not yet exclusive and he wasn’t the only man I was talking to, either.
Him and I talked for about 2 months before we officially got together. I thought he stopped talking to his ex after about a month, once we got more serious. Today, I found messages between them from 2 weeks before we got together. I’m not sure how to feel. In these messages, he told her he was done with her and didn’t want things between them to continue (go him!!!). But, he also was telling her that he will always love/care about her, and that maybe there was a chance for them down the line when they both grow up. I can’t help but feel odd about this. When these messages were sent, him and I had gotten pretty serious and I didn’t think they were still talking at all.
I know my boyfriend loves me but this situation is so off putting. Was I just a rebound? Is he wasting time with me while waiting for the two of them to ‘grow up’? Was he not healed enough from his previous relationship when we made it official 2 weeks later?
I’m not asking you guys to tell me how he feels. Only he can give me that information. I just don’t know what I should think or do. Obviously I shouldn’t have looked through his phone. I’m just not sure what to say to him. I don’t think I’ll feel better until I tell him what I saw and get his point of view- I just don’t know how to bring it up and admit to him that I looked through his messages for no reason because I’m ashamed, but I still want to talk about what I saw.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
My guess is that he was trying to let her down easy.
I think you aren’t ready to be a safe and healthy partner if you’re looking through his phone when he hasn’t done anything wrong. This is not acceptable behavior. I think he deserves someone who is ready to be a good partner, and right now that’s not you.
Going through someone’s phone is a major betrayal. It’s also not unusual to give an ex false hope in trying to extricate yourself from them. It’s cruel but it’s common. So you should be “ashamed”, you violated his privacy. But you also found nothing incriminating so maybe now you can stop doubting. You and he are 20, so this probably isn’t the last relationship either of you is going to have. But while you’re in it if it’s causing you more stress than pleasure it’s just not worth it. Either find a way to trust him or end this.
He’s done nothing suspicious towards you. Nothing but loyal according to you.
However, you had a compulsive need to go through his phone (untrusting). Only to discover him putting the finishing touches on closing the lid with his ex.
You’ve also been with him for 1.5 years… And dug way deep into his messages to pick at something that happened 2 weeks before you actually got together.
In his shoes, if my gf of 1.5 years went through my phone to read conversations that took place before we were official, meanwhile the goal of the conversation was to close the door on the ex. I would be breaking up with you due to the trust issues.
If the only dirt you found on his phone were 1.5 years old messages, stuff that took place before you were official, and not even that dirty to discover… The guy has a clean record and you’re sabotaging your relationship because you have doubts that no one else but you can help yourself with.
I dont really go through my boyfriend’s phone its more to using it here and there. I also have access to his instagram, same goes to him. Going through ones phone is fine to be honest. I feel like someone would have a problem with it or have a heavy heart only if they have something to hide. Saying how one might have a chance down the road is not letting one down slowly or maybe he words of choice isnt the best. Instead he could have said how they could still be friends. Maybe try talking to him and ask what me mean by the text. If he comes out as defensive we all know what that it means.
It’s okay to feel confused, and yeah, sometimes stuff comes up that makes you question things… but what matters most is how you handle it. You’ve got a chance here to talk things through honestly, and I think that could actually help both of you grow closer in ways you never expected, just remember, even the strongest relationships need work, and you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Idk to me if the only text you found were from two weeks before you guys got together then that means there’s nothing between them, especially if you two have been together for over a year and the messages stopped after that. If he’s a good guy and hasn’t done anything untrustworthy then he isn’t “wasting his time” with you he genuinely enjoys your presence. I know it sucks to read those messages and you can definitely ask him about them but I don’t think you’re a rebound