I (20M) am so lost about leaving or not in my relationship with my gf (20F).

When is it okay to leave? How do I know that I can’t grow with someone anymore or if I am making a rash decision?

I (20M) have been with my gf (20F) for about 1.5 years, with a brief breakup for a month which was prefaced with a short break before. Our last relationship ended due to lack of communication about what we wanted and the usual anxious-avoidant behaviors. However, now we have gotten a lot better at communication and worked through many issues but recent newish problems has made me doubt and emotionally distressed.

In the last few months, my gf has gone through so many troubles out of her control one after another, from family issues, issues with mutual friends and a loss of a close family member recently. She has experienced so much emotional distress, general isolation and more frequent/intense thoughts of self-harm. From this time period she has opened up significantly more about her mental health history and I’ve been trying my best to process and comfort. She’s been working through things with her own therapist and is active in trying to get better or seeking mental help outside of us. However, now I’m starting to realize that I can’t actually handle everything or enforce my own boundaries that we agreed upon. My mental health has deteriorated so much lately and I am constantly anxious about her safety and our relationship for the past while.

We’ve talked about it a few times about how overwhelmed I’m feeling and she has agreed to take a step back from disclosing so much. However, my perception of not only her but of friends/people in general has changed since the fallout of our friend group. Constantly being in the middle of everything has drained me and I feel like I learned or seen a whole new side of everyone. I’m a very empathetic person but I think I’m experiencing compassion fatigue nonstop and feeling like I can’t trust anyone and I get anxious with emotional closeness or affection (which is not normal).

At this point I don’t even know what I want or who I am anymore. My core values or things I previously wanted like a family, career choice, affection, etc were grounded in the belief that they were stable. However, now with everything thats happening in the world and around me these values and beliefs are being challenged and I fear closeness with my partner even though its something I have always wanted. I’m trying to work things out with my therapist and trying to practice self-care but I’m struggling to feel hopeful or that my future in general (not just my relationship) will be stable.

I know I have a history of codependency, indecisiveness and bad at enforcing boundaries even if prompted. I also know that she has always been supportive, a good communicator, encouraging and has always respected my boundaries if I spoke up. We have been taking space as she mourns and I feel guilty for thinking about all this and I really care for her a lot. Am I being selfish or irrational here? How do I know that these long-term goals or values are actually meaningful to me or because I thought they were stable? Can I continue to think for myself or grow while still being in a relationship? What are some resources I can turn to?

TL;DR: Relationship has been feeling stagnant in recent months due to consecutive external problems out of our control that has revealed more internal mental health problems for both of us. I feel emotionally drained, disorganized, avoidant and hopeless about the relationship and myself as an individual. Partner is grieving a very recent loss of a close family member currently and I am unsure if we should have a conversation about breaking up or not.