I’m really struggling with something, and I’m hoping to get some advice or perspective here. I’ve been trying to get over my ex for two years now, but I can’t seem to shake him from my mind.
Here’s some background: My ex and I dated for about 4 months, but I had been really into him for over a year before we got together. He was perfect for me—literally everything I ever wanted in a partner. I’d spend hours talking to my friends about him, gushing over how great we were together. We never had any huge fights and no major issues in the relationship.
He broke up with me the day before I was about to head off to college. He said he didn’t think it would be fair to me because he would be bad at staying in touch, and he didn’t want to drag things out with a “break,” since that would feel noncommittal. He said he wanted to make a definite decision and thought it would be better if we ended things now, even though he still cared about me. I understood his reasoning then, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Fast forward to now, two years later, and I can’t seem to move on. I find myself still thinking about him a lot—sometimes more than I should. I even have this idealized version of our relationship in my head, where I tell myself he’s the “one who got away” and that maybe one day we’ll randomly run into each other, and everything will fall back into place. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s a thought I can’t shake, even after all this time.
The thing is, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now, and I really love him. We’ve got a solid relationship, and I’m happy with him, but here’s the issue: I’ve never told him about my ex. I feel ashamed to admit that I’m still hung up on him after so long, especially when I know I should be over it. I don’t want my boyfriend to think I don’t love him or that I’m comparing him to someone from my past because that’s unfair to him. But the reality is, I think about my ex more than I should, and I feel guilty for it.
So here’s my dilemma: Should I tell my boyfriend about my ex, and if so, how do I bring it up without making him feel insecure or like he’s second-best? Or should I just keep this to myself and try harder to move on without sharing this with him?
I’ve tried to let go, I’ve dated two people since (including my current bf), and I’ve even had therapy to work through it, but no matter what I do, he still lingers in the back of my mind. I’m just at a loss and don’t know if I should be more open about it or if keeping it to myself is the best option.
Any advice on how to handle this would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance!
TL;DR: I’ve been struggling to move on from my ex, who broke up with me two years ago before I went to college. Even though I’m in a happy, year-long relationship with my current boyfriend, I still think about my ex a lot and idealize our past. I feel guilty for not telling my boyfriend but worry that bringing it up might make him feel insecure. I’ve tried therapy and dating others but can’t shake thoughts of my ex. I’m not sure if I should open up to my boyfriend or keep trying to move on privately, and I’m looking for advice on what to do.
Comments
Look into limerence. And avoidant attachment. You may be idealizing your ex right now because you unconsciously fear commitment with your current partner. Or you’re just not that into him.
>He was perfect for me—literally everything I ever wanted in a partner.
I mean, was he?
Would things have played out the way they did if he was?
You speak so positively of him but it really feels like you two were on different pages. That he blindsided you like that, it just feels like maybe you were always idealising him due to that initial crush and even now you still idealise a relationship where it just doesn’t seem it was as perfect as you insist.
And you’re allowed to finally accept that. That’s part of what moving on it. In fact still being stuck 2 years later when you make the ex out to be the best thing ever is kind of inevitable, you’re almost sabotaging your own happiness at that point.
I would say it’s because you’re the one who got dumped and it’s just a ‘wanting what you can’t have’ kinda thing, but since it was only 4 months idk. If I get dumped after 4 months I’m over it in like 2 weeks. That’s a really short relationship to still be having feelings about years later, so maybe there is a bigger reason. Either way, I feel like if your bf you’ve been dating for a year was ‘the one’ you wouldn’t still be thinking about a guy you dated for 4 months. You should probably let this guy go.