This is something I’ve struggled with a decent bit, but I don’t know how to fix it. Me and my girlfriend got together our senior year of high school. We are long distance now, going to different colleges, and things are going great. The thing that eats away at me though is that I am not her first. During her junior year, she dated another man for a couple weeks where she experienced most of her firsts other than things like PIV sex.
Ever since learning about that, I have felt extraordinarily jealous. I am not upset with her, but extremely envious of the experiences that her ex got to experience with her. I am jealous that her best kiss, her best date, her best sexual experiences will all be held with him. I know that she hates him immensely and he treated her extremely badly, yet it still eats away at me that he was the one to hold all of those amazing experiences with her back when they were exciting and special.
How do I fix this? This is clearly not something I should realistically talk to her about since there’s nothing she can really do about it, but I fear it will continue to hurt the relationship.
TL;DR- Girlfriend experienced most of her firsts with another man, and that man lives rent free in my head every single day out of sheer jealousy
Comments
Login here to leave a comment
Why do you equate “first” to “best”? You’re right, these insecurities and resentments will ruin any relationship you have, both this one and any future relationships. How do you plan to build a future with someone if you are keeping score about the past?
She chose you and she chooses you. She dislikes her ex and he treated her badly, but she’s moved on. With you. Continuing to associate her with her ex, as if she’s only worth those experiences, as if she does not get to move past him, is doing her a cruel disservice.
If you’re in university then you might have counseling services available for you so you can explore and dismantle these preconceived notions with a professional.
The first time is very rarely ever the best time so I wouldn’t worry about that part.
First is rarely best brother. Intimacy gets better and more meaningful with time, ESPECIALLY for women.
“First is best” is male ego. The first date I went on was awkward and uncomfortable. The first time I had sex was awkward and uncomfortable. You are projecting your assumptions about her experience onto her DESPITE her telling you it was a bad relationship.
There is a common impulse among men to be seen as different or special by their partners, and clearly you are, because she entered into a relationship with you despite her firsts being negative. She chose you because she trusted you to be better, and by allowing yourself to make up stories about her experiences, you are failing.
As a female, first sexual encounters are never the best. Ever.
You should look into retroactive jealousy and how to deal with it. Hope it helps.
Therapy dude, for real this is so unhealthy