I’ve been with this girl I met 7 years ago. We’ve been best friends ever since, and we share a long history together. A year ago, I told her I loved her — and I kind of knew she had felt the same way for years before that. Since we started dating, I’ve been truly happy with her. I really do love her, and I know she loves me too. Our 7-year story and 1-year relationship make my feelings for her even stronger, and I deeply value what we have — both as best friends and as a couple.
But here’s the problem: even though we love each other, sometimes love just isn’t enough.
We have different wishes for the future, especially when it comes to having children. I’ve always known that I want to be a father someday — it’s something I feel deeply about, even though my future kids don’t exist yet. The issue is that she doesn’t share that same certainty.
She says she’s unsure about whether she wants to have children at all. Personally, I find it hard to accept breaking up over something that’s still uncertain, especially considering everything we’ve been through and the love we share. We talked about it, and I told her honestly that I can only see a future with her if we both want the same thing. For me, this is something non-negotiable.
In the end, I gave her two years to figure out what she truly wants — but now I’m not sure if I can stay in this relationship for that long without knowing whether we actually have a future together. I understand it’s hard for her, especially since she’s only 18 (almost 19) and might not have a clear picture of what she wants yet.
I see many possible problems with this situation. I love her deeply, but I also feel obligated to let her go for the sake of my dream of becoming a father. I could wait — but what if she eventually tells me no? Then all that time waiting would feel like a waste, time I could’ve spent finding someone who shares this same wish and could be my future wife.
My love for her keeps me attached, but my desire to be a father makes me feel like I should start looking for someone else.
I know we’re both still young and that I could find love again, but right now my feelings for her are still very strong. That’s why I’m unsure what to do. Break up? Shorten the time I gave her to decide? I really need some outside advice.
EDIT: 1. She always told me she wanted children, but suddenly told me it was all just a fantasy and not a certain wish. 2. Just to make it clear: I’m not talking about having children right now, but in the future (after college and having a stable job, etc). I will never change my mind in the subject. Always wanted it and see no reason to not want to in the future. 3. Don’t see, why the decision of having children this early is so problematic since I know several people my age and of the opposite gender who have the same wish for their future.
TL;DR: I want children in the future and my girlfriend can’t tell. Don’t know if I should give her time to think or simply break up.
Comments
She is 18. Of course she doesn’t want children now… she can change her mind anytime or not at all but it can also be you that decides one day you don’t want any kids. Just give her time and to you too before making any kind of rash decisions.
Your relationship isn’t going to last that long to be realistic, buddy. She’s a teenager and you’re only 20.
Do you plan on having children now? You both are very young. She is barely an adult why would she even be thinking about kids? She could have a career, travel, go get higher education, etc …why would she be like yes kids now? She’s hasn’t had to time to get to know herself or enjoy her young adult life and frankly you haven’t entire. You’re entirely too focused on something that you like the idea of. But unless you have 1) baby money and 2) are mature enjoy to understand that when that kids arrives there is no more you time. That concept is out the door for the next 2 decades (maybe more cuz of how bad the economy is). If you’re dead set on that then yes you should leave her and find someone just as crazy.
Waiting for someone to change their mind on a fundamental difference than you is not a wise decision
I know many high school couples that split up, didn’t want to go long distance, didn’t jive with future plans, (where to live, when to marry, kids…)
And more than a few got back together years later when they were older and in a more stable position.
My fiance at 19-20 reunited with me at 22 and we weren’t a good match. I glad we didn’t spend another 2 years together to figure that out.
My SIL had a high school boyfriend she broke up with when he went to a collage on the other side of the country.
They got back together after they graduated university and have 4 kids and married 30 plus years.
I guess I’m saying that you can break up, find yourself, experience university, travel, new friendships and relationships, and if fate brings you two back together, you can see if she’s changed her mind or if you still love each other enough for a lifetime.
Bottom line, break up with her, both of you find out who you are and what you want, and who knows. You may find each other again when you are older and (she) knows what she wants.
If you haven’t ask for clarification on what she meant maybe? She said it was a fantasy so maybe she meant she doesn’t want kids till late 20 early 30?
Also she’s 18, y’all’s brains generally aren’t fully developed yet. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to be unsure if she wants kids. Especially since she’s starting to learn what being an adult actually is, just as how it’s perfectly reasonable for you to want kids. Chances are she’ll say yes just to please you
It could turn out your fine waiting two years and its fine if you decide you can’t wait that long for an answer.
Your young enough to just enjoy the relationship you don’t have to worry about future kids yet
I just wanted to chime in with some hard truths. It’s always easier for men to imagine having kids. It’s easier on you mentally, physically, emotionally, and even career-wise. It’s well within your rights to want kids and even have a life plan built already around having them. BUT at only 18 it’s borderline insanity to expect your girlfriend to feel that confident in wanting kids. A lot can change within just the next couple of years and kids at any point can derail goals/plans.
It’s hard to give someone in your position advice because despite your confidence, you are incredibly young. For a lot of us older folks, you seem like an overconfident kid romanticizing family life. It’s the reason your post was downvoted. So honestly I think you need to live out your life for a bit first and see where things go. Give yourself and your girlfriend some breathing room before deciding definitely you want kids. Besides, at 18 I’m worried your girlfriend will decide to have kids just to be with you and that’ll turn into a disaster.