I, (21 F) and my bf, (22 M) are in a near 2 year relationship and have been facing some issues as of late. Yesterday, my boyfriend made a comment about how I’m more of a baby than his little sister(who is 14). I laughed and said you must be joking, but he reassured me that he was serious. I informed him that that made me upset as I don’t want to be called more of a baby than his little sister, his evidence being that she got her first credit card. I only explained myself after him being in disbelief that it feels like he’s insinuating I’m more immature than a fourteen year old. I basically asked for an apology. It felt like I forced it out of him. I was upset because he wasn’t curious about my hurt and he thought it was another thing I unreasonably got upset over. He informed me I can’t assume the worst and that he meant something else(He clarified what he meant). But what I don’t understand is why he didn’t become curious about my hurt and explain his side of the story initially? Why did expressing that it hurt my feelings become a big issue?
For context, we’ve noticed a pattern where I get upset easily. I’m sensitive and he’s mentioned that it needs to feel like he’s not walking on eggshells.
I think it’s just the fact he assumes my hurt is small and he doesn’t think there’s anything behind it.
He quoted our signal word to end the conversation that night but didn’t say we would talk about it later. He said goodnight I love you, but after I texted it’s not okay to say our safe word and dip. He sent more passive aggressive texts and then called me the next morning like nothing happened?
I texted him that I appreciated his check in but I was still unsettled. He sent a passive aggressive text back, mentioning I ruined his work day and that he’s not calling in the morning again.
So I texted him more warm words about how I love him but I can’t take this disrespect. I asked him to chat when he’s ready but that’s the last thing I sent before his work day.
I understand that the original problem that I got upset over means nothing to me now. But it’s the fact that he’s not willing to say our I love yous and sorry for talking that way after? I need some kind of resolution.
Should I have not reacted in the first place? Do you think I was getting upset over something small and I should’ve taken some time to think first?
*TL;DR; : My boyfriend says I’m more of a baby than his 14 year old sister. I get offended and claim I’m upset. He thinks I’m getting upset over something small and apologizes after I have to prove why I’m upset. After some passive aggressive texts from him, he acts like nothing happened in a call this morning, and when I address it, it becomes an issue. I get upset easily. Should I have let this go as it was a small comment? *
Comments
It sounds like your bf says rude shit to you and then calls you sensitive and bullshits about what he “actually” meant to try and make himself the victim after he treated you poorly.
Anybody in your shoes would take “you’re more of a baby than my little sister” to be an insult relating to maturity.
I think a lot of people who are abusive (or just assholes) accuse their partner of being too sensitive so that they can never be held accountable for their own terrible actions. It makes it so that every instance where you get hurt by him your own fault because you’re “taking it the wrong way” or he was “just joking.”
What you will find after you come to your senses and dump him, is that when you date somebody who is just a better/nicer person, they simply will almost never say these things to you. And after a while you will realize that you were never that “sensitive” you were actually just opposed to being treated like trash.
If this was a one-off I wouldn’t sweat it, but it sounds like this happens a lot, to the point that you need a safe word to end arguments. You are 21 and have only been together 2 years – it should be a lot easier and more fun than this to be with the love of your life. He is not it.
Also, him calling you like nothing is wrong is him again minimizing and dismissing your concerns so that he can avoid accountability. And when you refuse to accept that and try to talk about last night, guess what? He is the victim again because you have supposedly ruined his day. And now he’s got you waiting around feeling bad, because he said rude shit to you, refused to talk about it, and refused to take accountability. It’s all a manipulative soup of crap. I would leave somebody like this in the dust.
You’re not wrong to be upset. It’s weird he’s comparing you to his sister, and honestly kind of gross. He sounds insulated because a 14 year old can’t get a credit card on their own. It has to be furnished to them by an adult with established credit. He’s gaslighting you by insulting you and then acting like you’re in the wrong for being upset. You’re not. Leave that man and find someone with more emotional intelligence. A person who claims to love you SHOULD be concerned when they upset you or hurt you and your feelings. He’s throwing up a lot of red flags.