I (21f) am embarrassed of how much effort I put into my boyfriend (23)

I (21F) am starting to feel embarrassed of how much effort I put into my boyfriend (23)

I’m going to sound entirled and I’m so embarrassed because of it.. I don’t know if I’m wrong for this, or entitled. I will admit I can be a bit prideful. I don’t think I’m going to wors it right. But ever since my boyfriend and I started dating, I feel like I’ve put in more effort than he does. And I feel like an idiot for it. We have dated six months.

I’ve paid for everything. He makes more than me. He has a graduate degree and I’m still in college. I pay for all my train rides to see him, Ubers, all of our food. For his birthday I made a homemade cake and dinner from scratch (I have no idea how to cook but learned for him) as well as bought him hundreds of dollars of gifts. I clean his entire apartment. I buy him whateevrr skin he wants in his game when he asks me to. I told my parents about him when he told me to. I am always at his every beck and call no matter what.

And I do all of this because I love him and I want to love him. I hid notes around his apartment for him to find when he misses me. I buy a new dress or lingerie to go see him when I have the extra cash because he loves it so much. I try so hard. I’ve only been in one or two relationships and one was three years and severely abusive so idk what I’m doing.

I don’t think love should be transactional. And I feel like I’m wrong for feeling like this.. but I kind of feel like a worshipper, because he doesnt match my effort. He takes hours to respond to me and gets angry when I ask him to warn me if he’s busy. He follows tons of local girls on Instagram and every time I tell him it makes me insecure he shrugs it off. He did finally unfollow some of the more inappropriate ones. He complains every time he has to drive an hour to see me. He tells me to get over my mental problems and what not. He acts shady when he’s around me. He doesn’t ask me how my day goes and is only really sweet to me, calls me wife and stuff, when he’s wanting sex.

A specifically weird situation that occurred is we logged into his prime on his TV, and a girl named Sarah popped up. I looked at him and he said it was “his step mom.” A few weeks later hes using someone’s number as a discount code for the movie theater, and it’s “Sarah’s mom,” who he calls Donna. Later that day I ask him what his step mom’s name is, and he says Donna. I ask, “why did you say Sarah is your step mom then?” He started crying and says he doesn’t know and confessed a bunch of things like only making $70k instead of $75k like he told me (like I care about that!! I would love him if he was homeless) and stuff like that he actually does get jealous even if he says he doesn’t. But never told me anything about his step mom or who Sarah is, just says he doesn’t know anr they’re just “in his phone.”

Don’t get me wrong, he does put in some effort. He calls me every night so I can fall asleep on the phone with him. He drives to see me sometimes late at night. He offered to give me one of his old Switch games when I told him my Uber was going to be $70. He is very sweet and handsome and cute. He bought me a switch and said he wanted me to pay for half but felt morally wrong if he asked me to do that. He writes me good morning texts.

But last night when I asked him if anyone knew about me (because everyone knows about him) .. he says he “doesn’t like to over share.” I don’t care that he doesn’t buy me gifts or food or anything anymore because he doesn’t HAVE TO.. but I’m just so embarrassed of how much effort I’m putting in when he says driving 20 minutes to pick me up from the train station is comparable to a 2 hour train ride after a 16 hour shift at 4 am.

I don’t know if I should confront him or what. I don’t want to seem demanding and I know I painted myself as spoiled. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I’m being prideful. I just don’t know. I need advice. In my more upset moments I want to match his energy but I don’t know.

TLDR: I choose to do so much for my boyfriend – pay for everything, commute several hours, etc – and feel like he wouldn’t do it in return.