My boyfriend (21M) and I (21F) have known each other since 8th grade. We were close friends, but he often missed school because of severe asthma, which he’s always been insecure about. In senior year, we drifted apart, and he started dating someone who cheated on him multiple times before finally leaving him. Within months, she was married and pregnant, which crushed him since he’d always wanted a family with her.
About a year ago, while we were both in college, we reconnected as friends. He opened up about his breakup and depression. He smokes heavily — carts and weed — to cope. I supported him and reassured him he was more than that relationship. Eventually, our friendship turned flirty, and we started dating. We’ve now been officially together for about a year.
The issues started early. When we were still friends, he showed me a social media page he ran about his ex, filled with posts about missing her and how badly she hurt him. By the time we were dating, he hadn’t posted in a while, but the page was still up. When I asked him to delete it, instead of addressing it calmly, he completely shut down — silent for 30 minutes — then later texted me to explain himself. He said he felt like I was invalidating something important to him, but he did delete the page after explaining.
Since then, this shutdown behavior has become a pattern. Anytime there’s conflict or stress, he either goes totally silent or speaks in a low, almost childlike tone saying “nothing’s wrong,” then texts me later instead of having a direct conversation. At first, I thought he was just shy or anxious, but now it feels like emotional immaturity.
Some examples:
• I suggested he quit smoking for his health and mental state. He went silent, then texted later saying smoking makes him “less grumpy.”
• When I asked if I could spend the night after meeting his family so I wouldn’t have to drive back late, he shut down again. Turns out, he hates asking his mom for things but couldn’t just tell me that.
• On my 21st bday, we were going to the grocery store and he randomly shut down. After me asking over and over what’s the problem, he said in a low tone, “I don’t have a lot of money.” I got really pissed at this because:
1. I didn’t ask to do much and we were just getting stuff to eat later.
2. He could have brought that up in a way better way, like saying in a normal tone, “I’m not trying to spend too much because I’m low on funds.”
3. Why bring it up like this on my birthday?
Even later that day we went to a restaurant and I wore a nice outfit because I wanted to take pictures, but there was no dress code. He shut down for a moment because he felt “underdressed,” and again when he was taking photos of me — but got better as soon as we got home.
• A week ago, he said he needed to speak and when I asked what about, he shut down. He eventually pulled up a tweet I reposted saying, “thinking of that spark I lost in the 7th grade.” Apparently, he was looking through my posts out of the blue and thought I was talking about a past boyfriend (I dated someone from 8th grade up until freshman year of college). When I reassured him it was about girlhood nostalgia, not a guy, he beat himself up emotionally.
• Even now, he’s shut down again because he forgot to fill out his FAFSA and has to tell his mom. He’s crying and having a panic attack just at the thought of it, which I deeply sympathize with, but it’s overwhelming to handle.
He’s not abusive or mean at all. He’s sweet, never yells, and never belittles me. But his insecurities and inability to regulate his emotions are taking a toll on me.
He’s been through a lot:
• Toxic childhood with his mom and stepdad. He constantly cheats and is a master manipulator, they fight eachother vocally and physically but she stays everytime. (his stepdad even had a baby with his mom’s friend while they were married, and they’re still friends).
• His dad is a drug dealer…
• Siblings (7+ ranging from 5 to 18 he’s the oldest) with constant drama and problems, 3 live with him and his mom/stepdad, and the others with the dad and their moms, it’s confusing.
• Deep insecurities about his health, body image, and even his manhood size.
I’ve tried to be understanding because his past explains so much, but it’s exhausting. Some days I feel selfish for struggling to handle it, and other days, I can’t imagine living like this long-term. I’m a psych major and want to be a social worker, but this relationship is making me doubt myself — if I can’t even manage my partner’s issues, how will I manage clients in the future?
The hardest part is that whenever I try to bring up how I feel, he shuts down, apologizes, and begs me not to leave. I love him deeply, but I feel trapped because even starting the conversation feels impossible.
My question:
How can I encourage healthy communication with my boyfriend when he shuts down during conflict, and how do I decide if this relationship can realistically meet both of our needs long-term?
TL;DR:
My boyfriend (21M) has had a very traumatic childhood and struggles deeply with insecurity and emotional regulation. Whenever there’s conflict or stress, he completely shuts down — silent for hours and then only communicating by text. It’s draining me, and I’m torn between supporting him or realizing this dynamic might not be sustainable. How can I approach this and figure out if this relationship is right for me long-term?