I (21F) live in a rental home with my bf (21M) who we will call Jacob. We’ve been together for almost 3 years at this point and moved in together about 6 months ago. Our relationship has definitely been a very rocky experience for me emotionally. When we first met, he was extremely attentive. Texted back immediately, asked to hangout every night, took me to movies and dinner, all the things. He never got me flowers, which wasn’t a huge deal to me. He would do other things, like bring me snacks on my period, take me out, etc.
Almost exactly 2 years in, I found out he had been keeping contact with girls from his past pretty much the entirety of our relationship. That hurt me, along with my ego, a lot. I used to say there was no indication of this, but looking back, there was. He would go through periods of not wanting to hang out much, and being avoidant in general. There would even be times we would hangout and he would immediately leave after we finished, if you know what I mean. Looking back, I don’t know why I allowed myself to be disrespected like this. It really was quite bad but I have a pretty poor self image and didn’t see it as a problem.
. Anyways, checked his phone a few nights before our 2 years and found out. There was nothing horrible, nothing even sexual really. Just talking to lots of girls he has a history with, and entertaining them. I will say, these interactions were on snap, so there could have most definitely been things I didn’t see. The first time he ever got me flowers was the night we agreed to talk- he showed up with yellow roses and gave me a speech on how he was ashamed and he cherished our relationship and nothing like this would ever happen again. It was hard for me to forgive him and it took quite a while. I took a few weeks to myself and decided that it was worth trying again for me- something I don’t know if I should’ve done now.
Nothing like this has ever happened again. Yes, I do check his phone occasionally, now a lot less than I used to directly after the incident. I should add I never checked his phone before the incident- that night was the first time. I always had a horrible feeling that something was going on, but chopped it up to anxiety/ocd, both of which I have a diagnosis. Anyways, he’s been very good ever since and I can tell he truly has made an effort to make it up to me in many ways. We moved in together- I am a full time student, and I only work part time. He works full time. He pays the entirety of the rent while I pay gas and electric. There have been many small, but not insignificant issues since we moved in together, most of which stem from us coming from very different upbringings. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, or just a horrible person, because I’m constantly asking him to do/not do small things that feel like common courtesy/common sense to me. Some examples include me having to ask him to clean up after himself (he’s gotten better), asking him to do things on his 3 days off other than play games all day (he’s kinda gotten better?), and trying to get him to take initiative on tasks rather than me having to ask him to do things- such as dishes, and general household tasks. I still have to ask him pretty much any time I want anything done, which I don’t mind completely as he does still do them. Idk.
We both have ADHD, but the difference is, mine is treated. He often has crash outs because he feels like he doesn’t do enough for me and he feels like his ADHD gets in the way of not only our relationship, but his life. We’ve had multiple talks where he’s confided in me that he doesn’t really have interest in anything other than video games, me, and his friends. I really think he is a good guy but he’s just hurting so much. He was a middle child of a 6 child household with divorced parents. He didn’t receive much attention, gifts, or love as a child. Whereas I am an only child and used to being overly protected as well as pressured to be my best self- I was always the center of attention (for better and for worse, I won’t elaborate rn) but I was also home alone a LOT from a young age, causing me to grow up with a disorganized attachment. Him and I are just very different on multiple fronts. His love languages are physical touch and verbal affection, whereas mine are moreso acts of service and gift giving. I make sure to show him love in the way that he prefers to receive it, but I don’t feel like I receive the same in return. He doesn’t do things around the house unless I ask, because he claims he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t expect a lot from him as he works full time and pays rent, and I don’t mind much that I have to give him lists. It’s whatever. But what really gets to me is that he doesn’t plan dates anymore, and hasn’t for a long time. He never gets me flowers even though I’ve asked for them many times. He doesn’t get me gifts, leave me little notes, nothing that I’ve told him makes me feel loved. He compliments me often, multiple times a day, and is always touching me. Of course I love this, but physical touch is not always my love language and stresses me out occasionally. I do believe he loves me, and this is why I feel I am being ungrateful. There is more to the story- he often forgets important things I tell him, forgets dates, needs reminders on the rare occasion that he does suggest we do something- I’m always the one who has to be the leader in pretty much every sense. Furthermore, almost all of our physical intimacy ends up sexual in some way. I wish we could cuddle in an innocent way, just sometimes. He is very sexually attracted to me and makes it very known, which of course I appreciate. He is also emotionally attracted to me, and expresses it all the time. I just feel like he doesn’t make an effort to show me love in the ways that I prefer to receive it, even though I’ve been very patient with these requests. So I guess my question is, am I being ridiculous? I’m starting to think that I am. I just feel so much inner turmoil and though he is a good partner in many ways, I’m constantly doubtful.
There really is more I could add. I’ve talked to him so many times about so many things, some of which have been solved and some of which haven’t. I am just lost. I feel like I should be happy, and I am sometimes, but I just feel like there is a disconnect somewhere. He says he doesn’t feel this way, and he always talks about how amazing I am and how much he adores me. It sometimes just makes me feel worse. I feel like I ask too much of him, but at the same time, feel unhappy when my requests go unfilled. To put it into one sentence, I feel like our relationship flourishes in sexuality and physical intimacy, but romantic gestures are severely lacking. I just feel like he’s more obsessed with me, and my physical appearance, rather than checked in as a partner. Idk, let me know what you think if you got this far.