Hello hello! This is gonna be a little complicated, so I’m sorry for the wordy post. Here’s some background:
A few years ago in late 2022 I (19F at the time) was super close with my friend, let’s call her S (23F at the time). We would hang out often, do things together like grocery shopping, drawing, playing games, or we would just sit in a room and do separate activities quietly. We both didn’t have that many friends, so it was nice to have company. S had a boyfriend, let’s call him R (27M at the time). I knew R fairly well. Since he lived elsewhere, R, S and I would hang out in Discord calls and play games. He was like an older brother to me, and we always poked fun at each other and had a good time.
R came to visit S in late 2022, but a few days before he was due to fly in he texted me late one night. I was a little confused as we often didn’t have one-on-one conversations, especially not at night, but I didn’t think anything of it and asked him what he needed. R would go on to tell me that he had some sort of crush on me, and would tell me a few things that I don’t really want to repeat here, as even thinking about them makes me intensely uncomfortable. It was such a strange feeling to watch somebody turn from someone you know into a stranger in a matter of minutes. I asked if S knew this and he said no, why would she? I told him he needed to tell her, that I didn’t want to get involved, and to never talk to me about this again. He told me he would, and I naively believed him.
Fast forward to when he flew in, I hung out around S and R, but never around R alone. I didn’t want to make S think anything was wrong with me, so I would continue to hang out with her. Every time after I got home from hanging out with them, I would receive messages from him. Compliments on how I looked, questions on why I had behaved the way that I had. Why had I chosen to wear a hat today? Didn’t I know what I was doing to him when I wore those pants? I felt so intensely guilty upon receiving these messages, and felt so dirty wearing anything form-fitting outside.
This would continue to happen for around 2 months before R told S what was going on. She was heartbroken. S didn’t blame me for it, but I almost wish she had. I think it would have made me feel less guilty. I stopped going over to their house, and I felt a weight off of my shoulders.
Then S told me that she wanted to continue to see R. I wasn’t angry, I just felt… empty? I’m still not sure how I felt, but she was an adult, and it was her relationship.
After R had gone home, S told me that she needed to tell me something. She started by saying she was splitting up with R. She would continue to state that R had cheated on her before, and she had suspected that he was cheating on her again.
Then she said that she was so, so sorry. S went on to say that R was into some strange stuff, and around 2020, when I was 17, R had wanted to look on her phone at girls that S knew. She refused, but after he grew distant, she let him look. R found a picture of me when I was 17, and asked if he could keep it. She said no, but he would get a hold of it anyway. And a year later when I turned 18, he asked if he could have pictures of me, and she still said no. But when she visited him in mid-2022, before he had visited us, she found a folder on his computer full of every single picture of me that she had ever had on her phone. From the age of 14, all the way up to 19. She had never told me up until this point.
I had him blocked on everything after that. In hindsight, I’m not sure why I didn’t do it sooner. I didn’t have much of an attachment to S anymore after that.
Anyways, fast forward to now and I haven’t spoken to her in about a year and a half. She runs a little business out of her house, and one night, when I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to see how it was doing or if she still did it, so I looked at the profile on Facebook. On the page was a post from about 3 weeks ago that stated that her boyfriend, R, had made her logo for her business.
I felt my heart drop when I read the post. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, it’s possible that R has gotten serious help with his many many issues, but I don’t know if that’s the case. I want to reach out to her and see if she’s doing okay, and maybe talk to her about her dating life with him. I just don’t want to overstep or make things worse for her.
I would take any advice on this situation. Thank you.
Comments
If you’re thinking of reaching out, maybe start with a simple message just to check in. You could say something like, “Hey S! I’ve been thinking about you and hope you’re doing well. I saw your business post and wanted to reach out.” This way, you’re opening the door for conversation without diving straight into the heavy stuff right away. It’s great that you want to support her, but remember to be gentle with your approach
You’re not overreacting, and your feelings are entirely valid. What R did was deeply inappropriate, predatory, and manipulative. This raises serious alarm bells for me. You are probably not the only one he does this too. It makes me think of other things he could be doing.
He crossed boundaries, violated your trust, and caused lasting emotional harm—and none of that is your fault. You were young, caught off guard, and responded with integrity by telling him to stop and encouraging him to come clean. You had no obligation to manage the fallout of his behavior, and it’s understandable that you felt confused, guilty, and unsettled afterward.
As for S, it’s okay to feel conflicted about her. She too was likely manipulated by R, and her apology suggests she felt remorse. But it’s also true that she made harmful choices by hiding what she knew and continuing a relationship with someone who clearly fixated on you in disturbing ways. Your instinct to distance yourself was healthy and protective.
Now, seeing that she may still be involved with him reopens old wounds, and it’s understandable that you want to check on her. But it also makes me question what more she is doing and if she is still enabling his creepy behavior.
If you do reach out, do so cautiously. Frame it gently, without expectations—perhaps just expressing that you saw the post, wanted to check in, and hope she’s safe and well. But also know that you are not responsible for her choices or her safety. Protecting your own peace is just as important. If contact risks dragging you back into emotional turmoil, it’s also okay to leave things in the past.