Last night, my girlfriend and I were texting as usual, since we’re in a long-distance relationship it’s how most of our conversations happen, combined with a few calls during the week. We’re both non-native English speakers, but we communicate in English so we have had some issues in communicating sometimes, where we interpret or write texts differently than we mean it. Lately, we’ve both been busy with exams and I came back from a 3 week holiday in a different timezone, so our conversations have been less and we both had some struggels with that.
Last night, she mentioned she had a stomachache and felt nauseous after dinner. Trying to be helpful for her and supportive, I told her what helped for me in the past, I told her that maybe throwing up would make her feel better, of course this is the most horrible and unsensitive advice one could give. I immediately regretted saying it, especially knowing she’s struggled with eating issues in the past.
She was understandably very upset and disappointed. Saying that this might be a dealbreaker. I apologized dearly, saying that I meant it in a helpful way since I struggled with stomachpain and that was a way of helping for myself, of course that doesnt make the whole situation less bad and I truly regret my comment. She accepted my apology, but she said she’s unsure how to move further with this situation, because I treated something so personal and painful so lightly. She asked for space for an unknown period of time, and I fully respect that.
This is the first serious issue we’ve faced in our relationship. I love her deeply, and even after what happened, she told me she still loves me too. But I’m not sure what I should say or do when she’s ready to talk again.
I’ve realized that I’ve become overly attached to her, in a toxic way, I have struggeled with being too attached before. I reach for my phone the moment I hear her notification, often replying without thinking clearly which ended up in this situation. She told me that this pressures her before and in this situation I went atleast 10 steps too far.
That kind of intensity isn’t sustainable or healthy. I know that trust won’t be rebuilt easily, but if I can get any advice in how I should handle the moment she wants to talk, but also in how I manage myself and my emotions better. Thank you very much for any help.
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Every relationship has its share of arguments, including long-distance ones. Right now, the most important thing is to respect her need for space. You should resist the urge to flood her inbox or call repeatedly. Give her time to process what happened without pressure. After about a week, if she hasn’t reached out, you might send a gentle message like, “Hey, it’s been a little while. I hope you’re doing okay. Whenever you feel ready to talk, I’m here.”
When she does respond, listen not only to her words but to the feelings she’s hinting at between the lines. Let her know you understand. its good that you understand what you said affected her, and how it affected her too.
Next, show rather than just tell. If you’ve struggled with replying too quickly in the past, go write it down in notepads or something, wait for 20-30 mins, then look at the text again, before you send your next message.
Remember that arguments don’t define a relationship’s worth; how you navigate through them does. Patience, empathy, and genuine accountability will go a long way in showing her that you value her feelings and are committed to growing together. Take a breath, give her the time she needs, and be ready to listen with an open heart when she’s ready to talk.
There are going to be alot of bumps throughout a relationship, and many more arguments to go.
Start small pause before texting, journal when you feel overwhelmed and give things room to breathe. One mistake doesn’t undo everything. If you keep showing up with growth, there’s still a chance to rebuild.