I (21M) am very conflicted about my relationship with my girlfriend (19F) of 1 year.

I’m very on edge and uneasy about posting this, because I’m afraid of what may happen if she found out about this, or was able to direct it to me.

So my girlfriend (19F) and I (21M) have been in a relationship for over a year now. Our whole relationship has not been perfect, as I assume most relationships are not, but recently I have been very mixed on whether or not it’s still worth it to keep going or have I not been doing enough?

It’s lately been very difficult for me, and I feel as if it has been dragging me down and impacting my mental health in ways that I’ve never been affected before. I’ve done my absolute best to love her and I don’t know if there’s anything more that I can do. I will break this down into several sections to simplify this as best as I can.

She absolutely doesn’t want me talking to my friends about things even if the issues have been really taking a toll on me. When fights become so frequent, it just really drains you, but I feel like I’m not allowed to talk to my friends about it and she claims it’s because “it’s none of their business”. I know how she is and even if she says she’d prefer that I spoke to her about it, everytime i do i feel so guilty because I know it hurts so much for her to hear it, but she doesn’t want me to talk about it with anyone else.

She has abandonment issues and has suicidal thoughts, and has had numerous suicide attempts that she thankfully survived and recovered from over the course of this relationship. Her most recent suicide attempt was literally just 2-3 days ago, about a few days separate from her last LAST attempt. She’s currently under surveillance via cameras in her room as ordered by her Psych Ward / Hospital, and she takes daily therapy and is going to also receive another proficient therapist to help her.

My friends have absolutely started to notice how different I’ve been acting and they’ve all been really worried.

I know that fights happen in relationships, and I will try to describe some of the recent fights that we’ve had:

• I am currently a college student, and one of my classes is a Bioscience class for this semester. There are more female students than male students in this class. I recently finished an exam, and was the first to walk out. I called her and told her the news and she was pretty happy and proud! It was 10am and we had to return by 11am to the room for another review for an upcoming exam the next week as well. The next three classmates of mine who finished and walked out to where I was are all female. One of which is a LESBIAN girl who I view as a genuine friend, and she has a crush on another girl in campus. The other two girls are people I literally just met in the semester, and they’re really chill people. We all agreed to just get some coffee, so I texted her that we were just going to go get some Boba from a nearby cafe, and i left the discord call we were in where one of our other friends were there, and she was very upset about it, spamming my messages and texting me not to leave and to please come back, and she persisted even when I said my phone was already halfway to dying (It reached that because I also stay on call with her every morning on the drive to campus, and text/call her too when i get out of class), spamming things such as “pleaseeee” “please come back” and the like. and “where are you going?!” I reminded her that I was going to the Boba store and she texted me wtf why and what am i doing. I reminded her that we still had an hour before we had to go back to class as she mistakenly thought I could just go home. She asked me why did I even message her if I didn’t plan on going home, and I just told her I wanted to say hi and check up on her. She then said “You still have so much time (referring to me still having an hour of time)..” and “What are you hiding?” I had to literally tell her I wasn’t hiding anything at all.
• She absolutely doesn’t trust ANY girl near me. Remember I talked about a friend who’s literally a lesbian girl, and she still didn’t trust her because she told me “I was lesbian too, until I met YOU.” I tried to remind her that she is not her and they are not the same person, but she didn’t seem to care. She once got home from her therapy and I ask how she’s doing, and she says she’s doing good. The first thing she then notices is my Discord Status set to “Jump Up, Super Star!” which is the reference to the Super Mario Odyssey song, sung by a female character named Pauline. When I told her it was just a mario song, she said “Ugh, the song sung by that one GIRL?” (For simplifying it: She’s gotten jealous also over the fact that some of the songs I’ve put on my status were sung by girls, even fictional characters.)
• There was another instance in campus: For context, art students at my college love to draw each other and our friends as a fun time-killer activity. I did this with a friend of mine and she went absolutely ballistic, stating things like “Why are you drawing another girl and not me?” I’ve already drawn her (my girlfriend) several times throughout our relationship as gifts, and this was nothing more than a fun activity to do with a friend who also likes art, and nothing more than that at all. She got incredibly stressed out and was losing it to the point of spamming my messages to get her message across via individual words. I realized it was yet another fight, and my other friends around the table (yes there were other people too) started to notice I was suddenly just down in terms of mood and had to check up on me. I wanted to open up and I knew it would help if I did but I didn’t out of respect for her not liking me talking about it with other people, even my closest friend.
• Regarding the friend of mine I drew above: My girlfriend said I only seemingly hang around girls (which I don’t. There’s just more girls than guys in my class, but I absolutely don’t hang out with girls more than guys.) so I reminded her that the friend I drew was the only girl at that table. She called the said person I drew as “weird” for being the only girl around in a table full of guys. (The girl she said was weird is absolutely chill and just met all these people except for one mutual friend of ours (male) at the table.)
• At the end of our fights, even if I didn’t start them, I am still somehow asked to say sorry and I feel as if the entire thing was my fault. I understand that there may be things that I could’ve helped with and those I will absolutely apologize for, but I just get so tired with having to take the responsibility of apologizing or taking the blame for a mess I didn’t even start. IN FACT, Many of our fights happened but I didn’t even do anything or say anything at all that can possibly be something that can trigger or spark a heated conversation at the very least, but they still happen, and it’s been really stressing me out.
• I was in a private Discord call with a close friend, he wanted to show me something on his video game. She then asks where I am and I tell her im in call with this friend. She then tells me “Why don’t you both just go into vc” and I answered well it’s because we’re already here and he just called me to show me something. When she realized I wasn’t going into our server’s voice channel, she started to spam me and spam me and of course it brought me down. She also was repeatedly nagging me to play a game with her, but I just wasn’t feeling it cause I was really just feeling stressed from yet another fight that happened just minutes prior. She started to cry and say she was too much. Eventually she accepted and I just felt really exhausted at this point.

When i try to talk about issues:

• As recently stated, she doesn’t permit me to talk about problems to my friends, and even my one closest friend who is always unbiased and gives solid, firm advice. I understand the part because it’s OUR relationship, but I believe in how helpful it can be to get a third party perspective because I do believe we’re going to be biased towards ourselves.
• She states that I am allowed to talk about it with her or to rant about anything, but when I do rant she always cuts in and always tries to defend herself midway which completely breaks my train of thought. All I wanted was for someone to listen, but it HAS to be her because I can’t talk to anyone else about it.
• When I feel a certain way, it will really reflect on how I’m feeling. When I feel stressed out or down, I tend to really sound like it, but she does not like it when I sound that way after a fight or she doesn’t like it when I display it in front of people, even to those who know me. She just texted me a few hours ago “Don’t bring stuff like that into the call. That damn tone, don’t bring that. Next time, don’t act like that in public.” saying that I didn’t have to ruin the mood and make it awkward. Note that we had a fight in text while in call with our friends because I just told her I didn’t want to play a certain game with her (VRCHAT) because I just wasn’t feeling comfortable and in the mood for it.

I’ve honestly been afraid to be real honest with how this relationship has been eating up at me, but I’m afraid because I don’t want her to hurt herself or to god forbid, kill herself.. But I can’t talk to her and I can’t talk to my friends about anything, I’m really feeling like I’m forced to hold my feelings in. I know for a fact internally I want to leave it but at the same time I don’t for our friends. None of our mutual friends know at all about any of this that’s been going on behind the curtains of our relationship.

TL;DR: Drained from relationship due to unfair treatment and unnecessary fights, but I don’t know if it’s right to break up or not. I don’t start the fights and don’t try to at all but I’m made to feel like I did something wrong, She hates any girl that comes near me. She’s had a two suicide attempts in the past two weeks which make me so hesitant on making a decision whether I should break it or push through. A lot of these situations are under a week old.

EDIT: I’m afraid to take space for myself out of fear that her suicidal thoughts will get to her or she will be in so much dread.