Hi,
TL;DR My first relationship, I love her very much but debt and other factors are straining the relationship. I don’t know what to do.
For context, this is my first relationship.
We have been together for over 2 years now. I have a good, stable job earning 40k and we both live with our parents. Over this relationship, we have accumulated significant debt totaling around 9k, of which 7k is mine. I have historically been very good with money, being able to save a significant portion for solo holidays on part-time income. My partner on the other hand, has as far a i know never saved a penny, been consistently in debt for 3 years.
I (stupidly) opened a joint account around a year ago with her and this has proved to be the worst decision of my life. My income goes in and is swept away within a week while her income barely keeps us afloat for the month. She works full time and earns decent money (approx 30k as it fluctuates slightly).
Each month, I create a spreadsheet with all expected expenses and this is the baseline to follow. Without fail, we have never stuck to this spreadsheet. One of the issues is that whenever something bad happens in life, all she wants to do is buy random stuff impulsively and she tends to do this even if I object. I have conveyed to her that debts are my priority, yet have made effectively no progress with this.
In one instance she paid off half of a high interest card, only to go and spend it on a present for her brother without even talking to me. In the past she has also gambled some money away, but hasn’t recently.
The finances are strangling me, I buy the odd takeaway, spend as little as possible for my lunches, and nothing changes. I’m at a loss for what to do.
There are also many other issues in our relationship, such as the constant contact. Multiple times have i not replied to a message for 20 minutes and i’m met with a full breakdown for not replying. I have explained to her that I need the free time to myself sometimes, and I even crave the times she goes to work just so I can chill out a bit. I’m losing sleep trying to find time to myself and it is impacting my mental state.
I have lost valuable friends from this relationship, i have almost nobody left anymore. The loneliness, combined with the constant financial stress and then other issues is becoming too much.
There is a lot I can say about the relationship, the good and bad, ultimately I know her priorities aren’t where mine are with the money. I have thought about leaving, but I am worried I will never meet someone like her again (the good parts of her). Lately, my mind has been in a tug of war of what I should do, whether I should leave or stay, what I could try to do to save it. The only thing I do know in all this is that I don’t want to spend my life worrying about money and debt like this.
Thanks for reading. I have probably missed out some important points, and I know the replies will be harsh. I need to understand and face the reality of what is happening.
Edit: reworded a sentence
Comments
> I have thought about leaving, but I am worried I will never meet someone like her again.
Do you really want to find someone who spends all your money the second you get it again? Stop the direct deposit. Get your own account. Decide from there.
You deserve someone who respects your goals, not someone who adds more stress.
Dude, listen when I tell you this. Dump her. Work on getting better jobs. Build yourself up to be a better person. A better person can and WILL show up. People dating in their early 20s is a mess anyway. Do good and you’ll find good.
Stop combining your finances. It’s this simple. You don’t live together, so you don’t need shared finances like this. You live at your parents’ houses– why is shared income necessary to keep either of you afloat? Finance is one of the major reasons for divorce.
Stop combining money. Pay off your debt. She either gets it together or you need to move on.
I’m confused why you combined finances with someone you don’t live with. I’m also confused how you racked up 9k in debt while living with your parents.
So, she’s isolating you from your friends, which is a precursor to abuse. She’s spending all your money, and she’s full on codependent. And you don’t even live together.
My man, this relationship is not serving you. You would be better off alone.
Money, kids, and religion are the three things that you can’t really just talk away in a relationship.if you aren’t on the same page on those three things, it isn’t going to work out.
Get your OWN bank account, my guy. My wife and I don’t even deposit our checks into the same account.
why would you open an account with her if you don’t live together? what “expenses” are required in this scenario for both of you?? why do you need to take out debt if you live at home? 1st thing you need to do is stop putting your money in that account, she can spend her own money clearly. but if you think this is going to get any better if you ever do live together then you are mistaken. i can’t necessarily say cut your losses and break up, maybe you can have a successful relationship if you just keep your finances separate but then you run into the issue where you want to eventually do bigger life things together that require time and saving and its not clear if she will stick to that and then you will be fronting the bill for trips, cars, a house, all on your own. also why is it fair to you she gets to just spend all her money AND your money when it doesn’t even sound like anything she is buying benefits you or is for you?
edit as i skimmed over the bottom half, dude i promise you will find someone who is NOT like her but BETTER. the gambling will only become a bigger problem but it sounds like it already is. imagine she gambles your rent/mortgage/car payment away in the future. you’re young you do not have to tie yourself to someone for life if they are not adding to/complimenting your life. you do not owe her 100% of your time and you are allowed to have friends. please break up with her, make more friends/get your friends back and just live life until you find someone worth having around. but not finding someone is also not a death sentence. if you fill your life with people, things, and hobbies that bring you joy you will realize your standards will be raised in who you want as a partner.
You honestly described what most people try to ignore, and that alone is a powerful step.
From the outside, it looks like your life energy (your inner resources) is leaking through a financial hole and emotional control — and you’re trying to compensate with willpower and logic. But none of those solutions work, because the energy within the relationship is distorted.
A relationship built on debt and guilt creates a destructive vibration. Several types often carry more than they should.
From a psychotype perspective, you seem like a logical/stabilizing type (you organize, calculate, make plans), while she fits more of an emotional/impulsive or dramatic profile — someone who doesn’t think in terms of long-term consequences. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s a completely different value system.
When the balance of giving and receiving is broken in a relationship, inner tension builds. For you, this shows up as exhaustion, anxiety, and a loss of connection with yourself.
You shouldn’t have to fight to be heard. That alone signals a breakdown in the structure.
What to do?
Try to restore your personal boundaries — for example, set up a separate bank account or make it clear that “I only give what I’m willing to lose.”
Understand your personal energetic code (this can be calculated) — so you can get clear on where you actually want to go.
Ask yourself one question:
If you weren’t afraid of being alone — would you still stay in this relationship?
If you’d like, I can calculate your (or both of you) code through numerology and name energy. It helps you understand what you truly want — not just what you’ve gotten used to. pm if this resonates.
I would just sit down with her and have a serious open discussion with her and tell her how you feel. If she says she’ll change but then doesn’t, usually that’s the sad indication of an endless toxic cycle. My ex was the same way. Always said he’d do better or change but then it never happened, it got to the point where I felt like he didn’t care about my feelings at all and I couldn’t live like that. Trust me. You’ll find love again, I didn’t think I would after my ex but I found it again and I’m so happy with the man I’m with now, we’re getting married in a few weeks and we both have our flaws but we listen to each other and we take the time to try to fix ourselves and set boundaries
I also need to know how “we” have accumulated debt when you don’t even live together. How do you have combined debt? Why do you have combined finances?
To be honest, I don’t think either of you are very good at the finances thing. You’re going on solo holidays instead of paying down that $7K debt, which is not being “very good with money.” Your girlfriend can’t save anything. Somehow, despite both of you living with your parents, you can’t keep hold of any money. You don’t sound like you like each other very much.
If you keep earning $40K doing part-time work and taking vacations, unless you live in somewhere with an incredibly low COL, you’re going to worry about money and debt all your life whether you break up with her or not. You need to find someone who’s on the same page as you with finances unless you want to live paycheck to paycheck with your parents for the rest of your life.
You need to stop direct depositing your check into that joint account (and never do it again unless you are married). Then you need to break up. You do not sound happy and are so young, there is plenty of time to have fun and meet your person.