We met through a mutual friend February 2024 and were dating very soon after. Everything was perfect, we were a great match emotionally, physically, religiously (she brought me closer to it), had similar goals for our future, family kids work etc. I genuinely loved her with my whole heart and I know she did the same.
I knew from the start her family were involved in some shady business (won’t go deeper than that), but she reassured me when I probed her in the beginning about it, that it wouldn’t pose a problem for us now or in the future. My parents were aware of us going out and she finally built up the courage to tell her parents a year later. Her dad 50ish took a few months to invite my dad out, she gave me his number to give to my dad and they would speak. We are from the same country but hold slightly different traditions, her side of the family believed that once our parents met, I was to propose to her and we would be engaged very shortly after. My family was not in accordance with this, they thought we are young and we should still give it some time, saying people change well into their 20’s. It was at this point before our parents were to meet that I told my dad about her family business.
My dad sat me down and explained to me, the family business they are in will impact my future, for example knowing how tight she is with her family, she would always have that in and around her life, and consequently mine and our future children. Culturally, when a couple marries, the families are drawn together and are very tight, seeing each other multiple times a month. My dad explicitly said he spent his whole life earning an honest living, and he would not be happy if we were to carry on in the relationship because of her family’s situation and the impact it would have on us.
It was at this point I felt as if the relationship was going downhill. I took some time to myself and asked my gf to give me some space in order to process all of this. I spent around a week thinking of everything, and the more I thought of it, the more my dad’s perspective started to hold weight. My parents sacrificed so much to come to this country, fleeing war, 18 hour work days, providing their children food shelter and everything that was within their reach. Bringing that business into my current family, and my future marriage, would bring me nothing but danger and uncertainty.
I broke up with her on the phone and we met up one final time. We both cried in each other’s arms and seeing tears down her face broke me as a man. I felt like I’ve betrayed her and everything we had, we were each other’s first everything – which held a lot of impact on our relationship because it’s something we both deeply wanted. Early on in the relationship, she told me about some horrid things she went through, and I knew from then on I’m going to protect her from anything and this was a girl that I wouldn’t ever find again.
That was 2 months ago, up to about a couple of weeks ago we were still texting, mostly her popping up to tell me how shes not doing well, it felt wrong to completely leave her so when we broke up I said we should remain as friends. At one point she blocked me on everything until today and I understand. She texted me today and just asked how I’m doing etc, said she lost 8kg and I just felt like a evil human as she was saying this to me – motivation for writing this post.
I know shes a good person and has a clean heart, I hate myself for what I did.
To this day, I still think about her and love her. She meant the world to me and I broke up with her in order to protect myself and my own from her family’s business. The pain has slowly been getting better, but I’m still empty and numb inside.
Did I make the right decision? – I question this daily
What are your thoughts on this?
Does it get better?
Please be honest when answering any of these
Some extra context:
– Im about to enter the world of work, shes about to enter her final year on university.
– My dad didn’t strictly say no (emphasis on this) he laid out the situation and told me it’s your life and you are old enough to make this choice.
– Theres no issue with her, just her family’s pressure to engage (which could possibly be sorted) and their criminal activities.
Comments
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Trust your decision, it seems like it made sense. I think you need to separate completely from her so that you both can move forward. Staying friends is a myth, you loved each other too much to do that. Plus her “popping up” to manipulate you is a sign that you made the right choice.
I know its been a while since you posted this and i hope youre doing better. A breakup, especially in this context, is extremely hard and i hope you both find the strenght to go through this. Sending positive energy your way 🙂
It may be difficult in the short term but i do believe this is the best thing you could do for you and your family.
If marrying her and starting a family w her wud mean you and your family and ur future kids wud be involved in this shady business you cud be putting them all in danger of wtever the risks of this shady business is. And do u rlly want ur kids to be around that kind of influence?
It cud also lead to resentment later on in the marriage if the shady business starts affecting ur children and family. And obviously it wud be unfair to ask her to distance herself from her family.
It sounds like one of those situations where your lives just arent compatible.
Not sure what country you are in, but my opinion is that you have made the right decision. I live in the US, and there are many types of illegal activities that can impact innocent people. You are also allowed to be concerned about your future children. They may be at risk from the illegal activity, and they may learn that it is “OK” to break the law. She should have told you this, much earlier in the relationship. Please don’t put yourself and your future children from “danger and uncertainty”
I don’t know. Her family’s choices aren’t her fault and if you loved her and she made you happy, go for it. Life is too short.
Expect to spend 6 months recovering for every 1 year spent in the relationship.
Together 1 year? Expect to spend 6 months recovering.
Together 1.5 years? Expect to spend at least 9 months healing from this breakup.
It’s not a quick change because you DID love her and you STILL LOVE her; but being involved in her family via marriage will be toxic for you, your children, your family (& her, too, though she won’t see it).
Was with my husband 22years (married 19years) and it DID take me a decade or more to deal with the toxicity and how it had molded/changed me. How I viewed things and reacted to things (people, events, memories, goals, etc.) all needed to be examined and re-evaluated.
YOU made the right decision. Your father gave you the information, but allowed you the choice of how to best proceed for YOUR future life. He was looking out for your future and the family’s future.
You might consider some short-term therapy/counseling to help you deal with your feelings. Barring that, you might want to read a few self-help books and heal yourself before you get back into the dating scene so you can insure you’re healthy before starting a new relationship. Best wishes for a peaceful 2025 & 2026!