He quit smoking when we started dating because he knew it’s a dealbreaker for me and I hate everything about cigarettes. But I allowed him to vape, and he’s been using it ever since. We had a fight last month and after we made up, he told me he made a mistake of going back to smoking cigarettes. (and using vape at the same time) I tried to accept and understand it since he said he was stressed.
But when I was at their house, I really couldn’t stand seeing him smoke. So we compromised. He promised he would only smoke after eating. One day, he was gambling with his family while I was playing with the kids. I decided to treat the kids to some food, so we went outside, and that’s when I saw him smoking. I got mad and talked to him about it, but then he reminded me of his deal, that if I paid for his vape, he would immediately stop smoking. I don’t have the money yet, so what he’s basically saying is that I need to endure his smoking addiction until I can give him the money.
But him smoking is not the only reason I was mad. What upset me even more is the fact that we had compromised. We even pinky promised that he would only smoke after eating and yet he broke that promise without even feeling sorry about it. Yesterday, we had the same fight, caught him smoking again. But this time, he called me childish. I felt like he was doing that again and again just to piss me off. He likes pissing me off. I told him that if he really can’t stop (which I believe he could, if I paid for his vape), then just break up with me. And then he agreed, without hesistation. And he kept on saying that it was my decision to break up. Was it? Really? Is it really my fault? I already allowed him to vape whenever, wherever. Is vape really not enough?
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As a smoker its his choice to quit or vape. You telling him what to do isn’t going to make him stop. He needs to do that on his own.
I suggest,you move on if smoking isn’t your thing amd its a deal breaker.
He’s an addict and he’s picked his addiction over you. An addiction which directly physically harms you. One he knew was a deal breaker.
You made a reasonable boundary. You aren’t interested in dating an addict. He knew this before and he knows it now. He made a choice.
We can’t control what other people do. We only control how we react. If you don’t want to be with a smoker, don’t.
Oh, boy.
Two main things: smoking is an addiction; and if it’s a dealbreaker, it needs to be a dealbreaker.
I can only speak from my own experience, so here it is.
I have dated at least 3 people who smoked “occasionally” or “rarely” or whatever. Smoking is gross to me and yet I was like “meh, it’s only sometimes! And they can quit whenever.”
Every single one of them smoked on and off during the relationship and would use fights as a way to justify their need for it. Instead of them being honest that this is an addiction and me being honest that I chose to stay anyway.
If you say something is a dealbreaker, it needs to mean that if it happens once, you are OUT. If you continue to give in (he can vape; he can smoke when he’s stressed; he can smoke after eating), that shows him that you don’t mean it. It shows him that if he just pushes more and more, knowing you’ll let him, he will eventually get what he wants.
You are so young & have so much life to live. Don’t waste it on someone you’re trying to convince yourself to stay with.
You have a boundary: you can’t tolerate smoking. If you wish to hold that boundary you make the choice to end the relationship. You can’t make someone do anything no matter what that thing might be. The only thing you can control is what you do. So hold your boundary and feel however you want about it. Or compromise and break your own boundary. Either way, you can only make decisions for yourself.
If smoking is truly a dealbreaker for you, you should’ve broken up with him back when he started smoking.
Now you’re finally broken up, well done. Who cares who broke up with whom? It’s over. Find someone who is not a smoker.
You’ve been dealing with this for ages, and yeah, it’s tough to bring up something so personal… but sticking to what you believe is the right thing to do. You’ve got this, and brighter days are ahead.