I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about a year. We began dating shortly after I broke up with a super toxic ex and I thought 3 months after a breakup was too soon but everything about him was so sweet and wonderful that I ignored my own instincts. He started talking marriage pretty soon and I joined along thinking it was light hearted and cutesy, just the name calling of wifey and daydreaming about waking up next to each other, but I didn’t realize how serious he was. I am very serious about my academics and career. I was at a community college but I have wanted to transfer to a nicer university for the past year, it has been a complicated process of finishing required classes and raising my GPA, but I had always thought I wouldn’t be able to attend until next year with the credits I had so far. Well, with the encouragement of my advisor, I applied for this fall anyway and I got in! I was over the moon ecstatic. Since starting to date my boyfriend I had wondered and briefly discussed with him how it might be when I went away to school but I always thought we had at least a year or so to wait for that moment to come. I will be honest, I am much more focused on finishing my degree than conjoining our lives to “make it work” so I was prepared for long distance or a breakup. He didn’t bring up either of those things when I told him I got in, just was super happy and congratulatory for me. Well, fast forward to a little congratulations party my family wanted to throw for me with my grandparents and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins in attendance, my boyfriend stands up during dinner, beginning a speech about me and how proud he is of what I have done. I am all smiles and grins until he looks at my with this funny look on his face and gets down on one knee in front of my entire family. He continues his speech going on about how excited he is to move with me to support me on my journey and continue our lives together. I was in genuine shock and just frozen for a minute. Then I kind of just uttered out a “no?” And his face fell, my mom started freaking out, and the party went to shit. I didn’t talk to him for like two days after that. I was honestly just in complete shock and also felt a little hurt and blindsided that he 1) proposed with no warning or discussion and 2) took away from what I felt was a big moment for me. When we did finally talk again, which was yesterday, I was expecting a tearful conversation about our relationship and then we could move on. But he still wants to date me?? He says he is sorry for springing it on me and he understands it wasn’t the right moment and he is prepared to move with me and support me even as just a boyfriend and not my husband. But I don’t really want him to do that. I just want to go to school on my own and pursue my degree and focus on my career. I think I am just starting to realize we have very different expectations for where and how fast this relationship should be moving and I am concerned that he only wants to stay with me because he thinks he’ll change my mind or me. I mean do you think someone still wanting to date their girlfriend who just turned down their proposal is a good idea?
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Yeah you need to break up with him
There’s really no going back to dating after an unwanted proposal
This is to fast and you’re right, you need to be focusing on your future and not his
If you actually wanted to keep dating him, I’d say the two of you need to talk more about why he thought this would be a good idea, and particularly why he hijacked your moment to do it. But you pretty clearly just want to move on, which is totally fine and understandable. You just need to quit waiting for him to realize that’s what’s supposed to happen here and do it.
You turned down his marriage proposal. To move forward as a couple, it is important to be aligned in your vision – and you need to have an actual conversation about it. In his mind, the light hearted comments you thought he was making, were serious. And your response (in his mind) is you do want to marry him, just not now.
So, if you don’t see yourself marrying him – you need to end things now. If you could see yourself marrying him, but in the future – after you finish school, etc – you need to talk to him about this. If you want to be unencumbered while you are in school – you need to end things with him.
Decide what is best for you – and talk to him
Going right into the next relationship after an bad one is a very bad idea. You have a pattern and this is the next one, displaying differently but same underlying emotional immaturity. You need to not be in a relationship and work on your attachment trauma that has you choosing these men.
He likes you so at least there’s that. I’m amazed he has the maturity to deal with such a public humiliation (most men probably wouldn’t take a hit to their ego that well). But at the end of the day, you seem to want freedom and your own space, which is a valid choice. Don’t keep him dangling and let him go.
He loves you and you don’t love him. Be good and break it off with him.
You should focus on school, even though the age gap isnt much the issue is you are both in different stages of life. He is settled and ready for marraige, you arent and still have goals to meet. Either keep it at a LDR or end it. I dont suggest he uproot his life, as you may feel obligated to be with him out if guilt if it doesnt work out.
I mean the still wanting to date is the least weird thing. He knew he jumped the gun, probably to try and have an extra safety net for when you leave. But he still likes you and one question shouldn’t change that.
However, you are both at different stages of life. Go and enjoy this experience, if he comes with you then he’ll end up being lonely and youre time will be spend just you and him…or he’ll hang around campus and the likes.
Just bad timing.
“I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about a year.
Heck yeah you did the right thing. That 28 year old is bananas for proposing after 1 little year and then to get into a relationship only 3 months after a major breakup, RED FLAG ALERT! Not only all of that, you’re a tad too young (IMO) to be getting married anyway.
Just be honest. You would like to pursue this journey alone, but want to continue to be together, long distance. If he can’t respect that, then it’s time to move on. Updateme
Prioritize your future over the future of this relationship. You’re in different places in life. You’ve been working hard; continue to center your goals. Once you’re where you want to be, look around for someone who’s on your level, in your chosen circle, in the place you want to live.
It isn’t. Not because you turned down his proposal, but because everything you’re saying is that you want the opportunity to go to school and focus on yourself, your future and your education, which is great! You don’t want him to move with you, live with you, focus on yourself future together, be distracted. All of that is completely understandable but it says you are ready to break up. That’s why you should.
Break it off NOW, before he baby traps you. He won’t take no for an answer and will try to force you to marry him by getting you pregnant. Lock up your birth control.
Break up. You do not want the same things. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you to keep this going. It is perfectly okay to want to focus on your education and career path. It doesn’t sound like you want a relationship with anyone, really, and that’s okay. You have your whole life ahead of you and there’s plenty of time. But do the right thing and let him go.