I (22/M) have been dating my girlfriend (26/F) for almost 2 years now (July). I met her in an unfortunate place in terms of health (mentally and emotionally) stemming from her childhood and early adulthood, as well as struggling with her sobriety. Although she had these struggles, I chose to stick by her and love her as best I could, and be a pillar of support. Her past sexual relationships had never been healthy, with a couple being very traumatic for her. With that being said, in the beginning of our relationship we had quite a bit of sex, like 2-3 times a week, with some of those days being twice a day. We would talk about our sex and each other’s habits, as well as past sexual relationships, and she would always mention how she never has had this sex drive EVER in a relationship, and that she was glad that I was able to, in her words, “cure” her sex drive.
Now, the sex we had was unprotected, and we both knew the risk and possible responsibility that could occur from it, but it never stopped us, and it actually surprised us that she wasn’t pregnant earlier lol. So, she was pregnant and sex went from 2-3 times a week to once, to 1 every week or so, and then once a month until she hit about 7 months in her pregnancy, at that point it had stopped. And I completely and totally understood why. It was all a pause on sex until baby comes. After the baby was had and some time had passed for her body to heal, we had little sexual activity, such as BJ’s and making out, but it never lead to anything father than that. The only time it did is when I had took her on vacation this past March, and it was only for one of the few nights we stayed there. I was happy though, because it had been quite a long time since we last had sex like that. Other than that, literally nothing has happened since.
Fast forward to today, and my girlfriend is a changed woman, in the best way possible too. I believe she is approaching 2 years of sobriety, she chose to be baptized and give her life to Christ, is a fun and loving mother for our baby, goes weekly to sobriety groups and church gatherings, and has picked up some of her favorite hobbies again. We’ve talked about having sex again, but she doesn’t want to continue in premarital sex because of her newfound love for Christ, and even if we’re married, would only do it if we’re trying for another child. And I can’t do nothing but respect that, because I’ve known how far she’s come for her to take back control of her life from these demons that she’s faced a lot of in her life, and it’s awesome to witness.
But at the same time, it bums me out. I miss having the sex we use to have because it was fast (we both don’t like having long and dragged out sex), and fun, and passionate too. I often just use porn to help me out, but of course that just never satisfies me, and I try to just overall stop masturbating as a whole, but just end up failing. I don’t know what to do. I know if I talk to her about it, I’ll get the answer she gave me before, and there’s no fighting her reasoning because I think it’s just a wildly selfish thing to do. What do y’all think?
Any advice would be appreciated.
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Then just get married..? What is stopping you?
Man this is a tough one… I completely and totally understand both sides. As someone who was so heavily in Church and all that, the shame you get for having sex outside of marriage is crazy. Church going people can be some of the most judgmental and cruel people to walk the planet. Jesus of course is amazing but the people, God help me lol. & then also.. were human so we have a natural sex drive, and its not a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. I honestly think you should have a conversation with her about your needs.. because its important. You dont want to be in a relationship that your needs are so different that yall end up getting into constant fights about it.. also another thing i would ask is, would you marry her? To avoid clashing with her new found beliefs? Or is that not something you want? I think that also needs to be discussed as well. I’m hoping for the best for you both! Hope I could shed some light on things.
And why is there a problem to married a woman who is mother of your child. Want to have sec then marry her. She already explained her boundaries.