My gf and I started talking last January and started dating in the middle of March. I got my own place March 1st. Things were great when we first started she had a part time job, was enrolling for spring college courses, we’d go out some weekends and my friends and family adore her. I know that’s probably just been the honeymoon phase but as of recently she got fired from her job for theft (bartender giving out free drinks to people), gets drunk 5-6 times a week when I’m at work , spends my money when I’m at work, she never registered for spring or this falls classes, she’s not actively involved in doing anything but drinking and rotting on TikTok. She’s gained about 30 lbs in the last 8 months, (I’m not shaming her for this but I bring it up because she’s always talking about wanting to go to the gym so I bought her a membership and she’s yet to go. Her mom also enables this behavior because her dad and both her grandpas (mom and dad side) are alcoholics. Her dad is on his death bed waiting for a liver transplant at 45. The literal breaking point was her getting sent home in an uber from the bar last night by her friends and me coming home to a broken table and chair and her passed out on the floor with another beverage in her hand. I’m not too sure what to do as I’ve had conversations with her about this probably 3-4 times in the last month and a half. I care about her so I want her to get better but she’s not showing any motivation in anything.
TLDR: My gf is becoming an alcoholic freeloader, that refuses to improve herself despite how many times I talk to her. What should be my next approach?
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She needs serious help… like from a professional.
You’re not dating a girlfriend right now, you’re housing an addict who doesn’t want to change. Love can’t fix someone who refuses to take steps themselves.
You’ve already had the talks, and nothing changed. That means it’s not a “phase,” it’s her choice. Ask yourself: do you want your 20s spent cleaning up after hangovers and broken furniture, or building a life with someone who matches your effort?
Next move is boundaries: no money, no free ride, no living together unless she gets help. If she won’t, you walk. Otherwise you’re just enabling her spiral.
When someone is a train wreck like this… You get off the ride, otherwise you’ll just join her in the crashing and burning.
She’s a hot mess and isn’t ready to play the part of a stable girlfriend.
You can’t help those who won’t help themselves.
So, if she wants to drink her life away, hit rock bottom even harder, not register for her courses, letting herself go, destroying your home because she’s faceplanting into tables, passing out on floors, pissing your money away because you have to support her unemployment.
Just get out man.
Its not your responsibility to save her. Save yourself.
Alcoholics make the worst partners. End the relationship before she ends up pregnant.
Leave immediately. Being around drunks is absolutely no fun. I think there is a greater chance of things getting worse than there is things getting better.
Dating is about finding someone who you are compatible with. These are obviously hard boundaries for you. It’s not your fault she’s a mess. That is her choice. It’s time for you to take control of your life. She is making her own choices and steering her life down a path. If that’s not the path you want to be on, then it’s time you blaze a different one. Send an update which what happens. I’ll be looking to see how this unfolds.
Im sorry to say this bud. She needs to be helped by her family, and you need to get out of there for your own sanity. It will motivate her to get better.
Now she has you as a fall back – you will be covering for her as much as the rest in her eyes.
Tell her once things are better you can resume if she still wills but this is over your head right now.
She clearly has gone astray and doesn’t feel.motivated to change anything ..
She will talk yhe talk so make sure she puts the work in to change before you decide to change your mind to staying with her.
Get some counselling etc for both of you and see if that helps.
Good luck man!!
You can’t help someone change that doesn’t want to change. Calmly tell her your boundaries. Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her how her behaviour is effecting you.
Give her an amount of time to reach a specific goal. Help her access the things she needs to change. Do not push her towards those things. If she wants to change she will find them. If she doesn’t meet the goal in that specific time it could be a good time to leave.
If you don’t want live any more time like this you should just leave her.
Being soft or going easy on her will just underline that her behaviour isn’t a problem.
Be loving, be honest, be firm.
Dump her. An alcoholic gf ruined my life. Escape now.
It sounds like she needs rehab, I would sit her down and have that conversation with her. Be very direct and blunt, “if you don’t get help and go to rehab, we can’t be in a relationship.” You can’t force someone to get help, they have to make that decision on their own but letting her know that you can’t be in the relationship the way it now might give her the wake up call she needs.
If not then you need to stick to your guns, if you’re breaking up with them do it. Tell her to move out (if she lives with you) and follow through.
This is not a healthy situation, exit the relationship.
She needs to want to help herself. Not you or anyone else will convince her otherwise. You can try….but you’d be wasting your time. Depression after losing a job can be the start of a slippery slope. Maybe try gathering friends and family around when she is sober enough to talk to her about how her drinking is seriously out of control. But she won’t thank you for it. Believe me. You can try to make her see how her behaviour is by recording her when she is drunk and show it to her. That maybe enough to ‘wake her up to herself’. But unless she comes out of denial that she has a problem with drink then there is nothing you can do to help her physically.
Time to end this, love.
Your next approach should be to break up. Shes an alcoholic and a freeloaders. My ex was an alcoholic. At least he had a good paying job though. But alcoholics don’t get better they only get worse unless they admit to having a problem and wanting to quit for themselves and getting professional help. And that is a whole process as well and an unpleasant one at that. I’ve lived it and will never do that again. Thsi is a recent girlfriend. You should not be wasting your time and effort on someone that already has this many problems. Its bad enough when it’s a spouse and kids are involved. This should absolutely be a no go for you. Trust me.
Kick her out. She’s an addict and you can’t keep enabling her.
As someone with an alcoholic brother in his 30’s, you need to prioritize yourself. An alcoholic has to want to get better for themselves. No amount of begging, pleading, threats, or ultimatums will get through to them. They have to want it.
For your own sake, I would stop having sex with her completely and end the relationship.
End the relationship now, addicts never make good partners. You’re not a rehab center
Sometimes her losing what she got is what will make her wake up. If it’s an addiction, odds are it won’t. But it won’t get better like this either. So you end it if that what you want, and she will have to sort it out on her own. Because that what she needs to do either way. Maybe this will motivate her a little bit to change.
How does she have access to your money?
Anyway, I really don’t think there is anything you can do to help her, as heartbreaking as it is. All you can do is leave the relationship. You’re not doing either of you any favours by staying. She needs more help than you can give but first she’s got to want that help. I’m sorry.
It’s been 7 months. You can’t figure out who exactly someone is in that time frame, it’s usually a year in. If she’s like this now, what will she be like in a year.
Get out.
Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. She has to be the one to do something about it and obviously she’s not there yet. Not even close.
Don’t you mean your ex-girlfriend?
Break up with her man. She’s an alcoholic. You aren’t that deep in that you need to stick it out.
Breaking up with her will probably be better for her than continuing to enable her by giving her a free place to live.
I think you know what your next step is. You’re both young, you’re both learning how to navigate in a world that is constantly changing. If you can’t relate to a person who is becoming an alcoholic then, you need to allow her to go live at home to assist her parent that is ill.
It’s unfortunate but, this will allow her to see first hand the end results of severe Alcoholism! Maybe a little Therapy and that experience will help educate her. There’s generally a dark life with a partner that has substance abuse issues.
You are barely 5 months in & it’s bad. It’s real bad. Why does she have access to your money?? Why is she in your apartment? Put your foot down. Trust & believe she’s got an alcohol problem. The fact her dad is slowly dying & she’s still drinking- knowing alcoholism runs in her family. That you have asked her to stop- even when she can’t afford to drink- she still drinking. It’s time to do what you need to do (dragging it out will make it worse for everyone). Maybe being completely honest will be enough that she saves herself. But don’t fall for the “but I will change”
Don’t resent her, dump her. This will be the rest of your life if you don’t.