The context: My partner and I have been dating for over a year, with plans of getting engaged in the next year. One thing I love about her is that we are pretty similar in most ways… except when it comes to vacations. For vacations, we have way different interests, and have grown up with much different vacationing styles.
We already had a prior disagreement because she has minimal interest in my favorite hobby (backpacking) and she is used to her family never splitting up on vacation. Because of this, she very strongly doesn’t want me split up for a day or two on vacation for me to backpack. Nor does she want me using up most of my vacation time and money just going on vacations on my own (understandably). We worked out a compromise that I would just do a backpacking trip on my own every other year and try to keep it short.
The issue: This year, I was invited to go on her family vacation. Her family is like her, but with even stronger opinions, like being unwilling to even split up for a single activity during the course of a 10 day vacation, and strongly disliking many of the type of activities that are my favorite. So I’m forced to do something like 35% activities I don’t like, 50% activities I am neutral or slightly positive on, and only 15% activities I really like (while not being able to fully enjoy it because they are complaining/trying to rush through it).
I was still happy with the vacation, because I am on break and it was all paid for while I’m on a budget, so it was better than doing nothing. But I felt it was significant less enjoyable than if I had some say over the planning. I am concerned about future years when I may be expected to pay my share, and I have limited vacation time to do to couple trips, solo trips, my family trips, and her family trips. It’s hard to justify going on her family trips when I enjoy them noticeably less than the others.
When I expressed my concerns with my partner, and that I at least want some independence if I were to go on future trips with her family, she got pretty upset. She is insistent I go on all her family vacations I am invited to (I’m not invited to the more expensive ones) and to just go with the flow.
She claims I am focusing too much on the activities and that it is about the people, but I don’t think that is a good enough justification for my concerns considering 1, we live right by her family so we see them all the time, 2, unlike my family that would do things like play board games together, her family prefers to reads books, naps, plays video games, and other solo activities when not doing vacation activities, making it hard to interact with them, and 3, if the focus of my limited my vacation time/money is with people, I’d rather have it be just her, or with my family (that I live further from because I chose to live with my partner).
TLDR; My partner insists I go on her family vacations and just go with the flow despite not being compatible with her family. I am concerned this is not sustainable once I have a job, I don’t want to spend like half of my vacation time on a vacation I barely even enjoy. What is a reasonable compromise here?
Comments
so basically it’s not a fun vacation for you. you should be allowed to do what you want
One year on, one year off?
Yeah that sounds annoying AF, especially since you see them all the time anyway.
Is it similar when you do like day excursions or stuff just on the weekend?
This sucks for you. Put your foot down on this and do what makes you happy. If they love you, they’ll understand you.
You’re 22 and only been dating a bit over a year. I wouldn’t rush to get engaged while stuff like this is not resolved. It might be that she’s still too enmeshed in her family of origin to truly form a partnership with you. Partnership involves compromise and prioritising your spouse, and if she’s essentially saying you have to do what her family says, every year, no matter what, that’s not a compromise.
Is it an annual thing? Can you do it every other year?
Also, just keep an eye on other ways she defers to her family for decision making. You should be making future plans as a couple, not doing what they expect.
So you got a free vacation and are complaining because you didn’t get a say any the vacation someone else planned and paid for. You two aren’t compatible.
My husband and I go on separate trips alone and with friends yearly at a minimum. There is no compromise because she doesn’t want that and with that means you are ultimately incompatible.
One of you is going to be upset – you are being quite reasonable in your requests for a compromise and she is not – so just do what feels fair to you and let her be upset.
If this is a deal breaker for her, it’s better to find out now.
Is this what you want every major event in your life to look like?
She seems very enmeshed with her family, does she spend time with your family?
Does she dictate what you do with your free time while not on vacation?
If you don’t put your foot down now you’ll never be allowed an opinion as long as you are with her
So you’re 22…only been dating for a year….already thinking of marriage….but your gf doesn’t like you doing things on your own because HER family never did this?
What about how your family treated holidays….how about how YOU want to spend your free time?
Is her way going to be like this for everything? Is your opinion and your family’s traditions always going to be less important than hers?
Honestly it’s good that you’re having these conversations now.
My spouse and I had to work through something similar.
My family’s vacation tend to be pretty similar, we spend A LOT of time together, however, we don’t live near them, we live 12 hours away. They love us and my spouse so much, they just want to get a much time with us as possible.
But my spouse didn’t really grow up that way and it’s a lot for him. So we talked about when he needed his time on the trip and ways to work it in where it wouldn’t be seen as snubbing my parents.
It took 3-4 trips to get the right balance down, but it took compromise and communication from both of us for it to work.