Sorry for grammar mistakes, english is not my native language!
Hi, I 22W have been in a relationship with her 22M boyfriend for 2 years and several months. We love each other very much and do not lack love, affection and respect. The problem is that I feel that my needs are not being met.
When we met, I had never had a formal relationship and men gave me a lot of insecurity. I started out very scared, but his patience and being so nice made me open to a relationship. He is a very good person, he listens to me a lot and we had a lot of chemistry from the beginning. However, I have the feeling that I lack intimacy from him. He is so helpful and so attentive, but he doesn’t ask for anything in return and as strange as it sounds, it frustrates me. I feel like I end up always taking center stage in our emotional world, our disagreements and such, and I wish he would take center stage as well. I know it has to do with his family raising him to be helpful and good without paying attention to his needs, so even though he’s better, he’s still very disconnected from his own needs and boundaries and doesn’t dare to take the lead.
I recently realized that I had always felt dissatisfied with this, and unconsciously thought that “forcing” intense conversations was going to improve this. And the truth is that I am quite hopeful, because I talked to him about this insecurity and I think he is changing. But I wish he would change because he wants to, not because I demand it, and I don’t know if it’s unfair of me to do that.
I fell in love with him because of how good he is, but I wish sometimes he would be more “selfish” with his needs. Deep down I have always felt that we were not on the same page but maybe someday we would be, and we are better but I don’t know if we will ever be on par.
He has taught me to live in the present and get out of my head and I have taught him to delve into his emotions, and I think that has been the most beautiful thing about our relationship. I love him very much but I am starting to feel unfulfilled, yet I want to work on it because I love him and I know there are not many people this good.
What should I do? I want this relationship to work for both of us.
TL;DR: I love my boyfriend but I feel unfullfiled because he is not that present emotionally.
Comments
No one is perfect, you definitely are not too. So why are you expecting him to be?
Do you know the kind of needs he has? If you do, or if you think you do, you can surprise him with things that support that need. You can do those things without him asking you. That way you can reciprocate and he can have his needs met even though he finds it hard to ask for.
Your mind is not always rational, you have to identify irrelevant thoughts. One thing in particular is your feeling of taking center stage emotionally and him not paying attention to his needs. If he hasn’t told you something is wrong, don’t assume it is because it would bother you if the situation were reversed. That’s a quick way to cause confusion.
Some people are just laid back and unbothered, and personally I think they’re the best type of people to be around. You can’t argue that out of him. Eventually he may realize he has to be more assertive and he’ll start, but that’s his responsibility to identify and change, not yours.
Don’t try to control him…. I would look inward and figure out why it bothers you that he’s unbothered and agreeable— what does that make you feel about him? Is there anything else you can think of that bothers you about him— like he doesn’t give you attention, you don’t go on dates, he’s lazy and doesn’t help around the house, or he doesn’t communicate with you? One of those I could understand more.
As someone who had this mindset, I sort of got forced into learning because of an abusive ex who took advantage of my helpfulness. But my suggestion would be to just proactively ask about what he wants when you’re able, and try to make him feel comfortable to say what he wants, but don’t stress about it. If he continues to say he doesn’t mind, you don’t need to force the issue.
But if you keep giving him opportunities to voice his preferences, he may build confidence to voice them without as much prompting. Phrasing it in simple ways like “would this taste better to you, or would this taste better?” takes away ambiguity in the question and forces more direct answers which can be helpful.
Beyond that, just be happy and encouraging when you see him voice his preferences. Sometimes this happens because people didn’t feel safe sharing preferences when they were younger or just got overruled all the time, so getting positive reactions to voicing his opinion may change his behavior over time