Maybe I just need to vent, but I am also at a point where i’m not sure what to do. 5 months ago my (23f) boyfriend (24m) of 3 years lost an immediate family member, it was very unexpected and very very traumatic. I am lucky enough to have never lost anyone, so I have/had no idea how to deal with this. At first I was there for him, held him when he cried, cried with him, let him talk about his memories, etc. After the first month things started to feel more normal, and I began leaning on him for support in my own issues. Now, we are spending time apart because he needed space, and I am learning how insensitive I’ve been. I’m feeling truly awful, his life was flipped upside down in a matter of 20 minutes, and I would tell him that he can trust me, that he can lean on me, then a month later I would complain about work or whatever bothered me and expect comfort. Honestly, how dare I. I hate the way I’ve acted, and want to apologize but right now he does not need another emotional burden added to the many i’ve already placed on him. I want him to be able to come to me and trust me but I honestly can’t blame him if he doesn’t want to, I don’t deserve to be that person for him. I guess i’m just at a loss. I’ve been taking the break to really focus on myself, to fix my emotional issues and he’s been trying to deal with the loss of his family member, while also deciding if he wants to be with me. After what i’ve done, if he wants to break up with me I completely understand, I just want him to be okay. Is there anything I can do to help him now? Should I just stop trying and let him contact me when he’s ready?
TD;LR- I’ve been selfish and insensitive about the death of my bf’s close relative. At a loss on what to do now in the relationship, how to help him, or even if I deserve to help him.
Comments
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I don’t understand – what did you do exactly? The thing about grief is it’s happening while all the rest of life is happening too. While you should be mindful of not overburdening someone who’s in the process of grieving, especially while it’s fresh, that doesn’t mean you need to completely refrain from telling a grieving partner about your day-to-day problems.
In my experience, it’s nice to take time away from your grief to talk about someone else’s problems for a change, and to have the opportunity to reciprocate a little bit of the support you’ve been receiving.
Is it just that you overwhelmed him with too much talk of your problems? Was your emotional expression overwhelming? Did you disregard some boundaries of his? What happened?
You’re being too hard on yourself. Give him space, but leave the door open (‘I’m here if you need me’). Focus on your growth. This doesn’t make you a bad partner. Grief is just really fucking hard.