Throwaway because my girlfriend knows my actual account.
My partner and I, let’s call her R, have been dating for 10 months. I care and love her so much but one of things that I struggle to talk to her about is her hygiene. Warning that some of these things are pretty gross.
A couple of things that stand out to me:
- She will commonly wear underwear that’s stained with discharge/period blood and has holes or is torn.
- Her room is usually a mess but if she’s able to (has the time and energy) she will clean it before I come over. By mess I mean, clothes, makeup, objects all over the floor on the bed everywhere. Sometimes food will be found under blankets or plates with food residue in her bedside table drawer. Her bed will have discharge (?) marks or spots from where she spilt drinks or food. Her pillow sometimes has makeup from when she goes out and passes out on her bed.
- When we have sex, she does things like lick dildos or vibrators to, in her words, clean or lube them up. Now I assumed she had washed them prior but now I’m not so sure as I found out recently the bottle of “toy cleaner solution” she showed me was just water and she’s been using that to clean her toys.
- She will sometimes sit on the floor in public areas and leave her bag or jacket on the ground as well. Places like bathroom floors, subways, pavements.
- I have fingered her asshole a few times and sometimes over clothes and the smell is just so awful I will have to keep my hands far away from my face afterwards because I can’t handle it. And it’ll be even after going over three layers of clothes (underwear, stocking, shorts).
- I’ve witnessed her not wash her hands in the bathroom. It was when we went to the bathroom together and after a while she opened the stall door for me to come in. We made out. I assumed she just went in the stall briefly to check her bags (I didn’t hear a flush) but when we finished and left the stall she then flushed the toilet. I then told her to wash her hands before we make out but I saw her not wash her hands again a few months after.
- She has these pink socks she likes to wear often. They’re big and fluffy and have this ribbed texture on the sole. She’s worn that while in her backyard grabbing mail or walking to a store that’s five minutes away. She will wear the same socks at home and wear the same socks on her bed. She will also wear shoes on her bed.
- One time we had sex whilst she was on her period and I saw her pad was just covered in dried old blood and sagging. She continued to just do sexual things before I paused and told her she needed to change that out.
Overall, I believe my girlfriend does have hygiene issues and I want to help resolve these. Some of these may be due to growing up in poverty, being neglected or mental health issues. I have considered these factors and been sympathetic but it’s getting to a point where I can’t even enjoy our dates or sex because I feel gross just even being in her presence and knowing how she exists and thinking about what she could have touched.
She has improved in some areas. She used to not have her teeth brushed but now they look better and she’s getting check ups. She stopped stepping over food and drinks she put on the floor after I told her to. She also took part in cleaning toys with me with wipes I brought and using tissues in the bedroom as well.
However, she doesn’t react well when I want to bring up issues to her. She has told me she wants to hear these things but it is hard as she will spend days after hearing criticism from me and reacting by harming herself or having breakdowns. We’ve acknowledged this isnt good, she’s working on handling news better with her therapist. But it’s made it really hard for me as I have to brace myself before telling her things.
What’s the easiest way (for the both of us) to break this to her, in a kind and supportive way?
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Backup of the post’s body: Throwaway because my girlfriend knows my actual account.
My partner and I, let’s call her R, have been dating for 10 months. I care and love her so much but one of things that I struggle to talk to her about is her hygiene. Warning that some of these things are pretty gross.
A couple of things that stand out to me:
Overall, I believe my girlfriend does have hygiene issues and I want to help resolve these. Some of these may be due to growing up in poverty, being neglected or mental health issues. I have considered these factors and been sympathetic but it’s getting to a point where I can’t even enjoy our dates or sex because I feel gross just even being in her presence and knowing how she exists and thinking about what she could have touched.
She has improved in some areas. She used to not have her teeth brushed but now they look better and she’s getting check ups. She stopped stepping over food and drinks she put on the floor after I told her to. She also took part in cleaning toys with me with wipes I brought and using tissues in the bedroom as well.
However, she doesn’t react well when I want to bring up issues to her. She has told me she wants to hear these things but it is hard as she will spend days after hearing criticism from me and reacting by harming herself or having breakdowns. We’ve acknowledged this isnt good, she’s working on handling news better with her therapist. But it’s made it really hard for me as I have to brace myself before telling her things.
What’s the easiest way (for the both of us) to break this to her, in a kind and supportive way?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It sounds like there are for sure hygiene issues, you’re not crazy. I suspect depression or ADHD but I’m not a professional.
It sucks, but it’s important to make sure you set your boundaries, and if she doesn’t get it together I’d reconsider the relationship.
I think offering to help keep the room organized is a good option, maybe that can help her to feel like you aren’t attacking her by offering to be a part of the solution. At the end of the day, it’s not really your problem to fix. You can try to help is you really care, other than that do what’s best for you.
Straight up- you gotta leave. This girl needs serious mental help. I was in a relationship like this and they took me down with them. It’s disgusting and you need to care for yourself, not a child.
Sounds like she has other things going on and probably needs more help than you’re able to give her. Can you go to the therapist with her and talk about this?
Edit – spelling on one word
I wish I could unread this
Yo this went from bad to worse my god lmao
If you still want to stick it out with her I can only think of trying a couples therapist? That way you have a mediator while you’re trying to talk about these issues, don’t nit pick and call out certain moments off the bat too.
Personally, I would leave. Hygiene is incredibly important in a relationship.
Conflict resolution in relationships really has 2 parts. Being aware of the issue and deciding whether or not to correct the issue. You need to be honest with her and help her realize the effect she has on you and on herself long term. Then see if she is open to making changes. If a divergent trait like this persists and she is unwilling to change, then you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to stay. If, once aware, she is willing to change, the question is if you are willing to stay long enough to see that through, and what are you willing to do to help her. But first step is ALWAYS communication.
If she’s really working on her stuff, that’s great, but you still have to take care of yourself too. You don’t have to list everything that WILL just overwhelm her. I’d say something maybe like “I love being close to you, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable because of certain hygiene things. I don’t want to hurt you I just want us to feel good and safe together.” Be soft, but be clea and if nothing changes longterm, it’s okay to admit this might not work. Love doesn’t fix everything especially not alone.
These are some serious hygiene problems that would be dealt with breakers for most people. Have a talk with her and lay out the problems and see if she is open to getting help. If not, I would have to leave her.
She has a mental illness and she needs to talk to a professional to get the help she needs. You cannot fix her or teach her basic hygiene skills she will all of the sudden change.
Your role is BF, not her therapist, doctor or parent and you shouldn’t feel gross or disgusted with your GF. Your happiness matters too and I suggest you find someone else to be with.
Yikes, major sign of lack of parental figure growing up. Not sure where to start.
Yikes, this is a lot. Consistent hygiene issues, especially coinciding with/caused by mental health issues might just be out of your wheelhouse. Considering that you have brought this up prior and she has both harmed herself and broke down due to the criticism, some professional intervention would likely be the right move here.
That being said…I have some questions. You guys are making out in bathrooms? How do you finger someone through three layers of clothing? Are YOU washing your hands afterwards? There seems to be a lot of mutual yuckiness going on here
How can you have sex with someone that gross?
I agree with you on pretty much everything, but need more info for #1. Are they just stained, but clean? As an AFAB person yourself, are you throwing underwear out just because they are stained?
If she’s literally re-wearing dirty underwear that’s different. But it was your first point and I don’t understand the issue. (Assuming they are clean, but just stained).
Dump that tramp now!
Fuck, I don’t have much to add from the comments I’ve read, I just wanna say you seem like a lovely woman, I love that rather than judging too harshly you have tried to understand where her issues may have come from. I could not tho, if she isn’t washing her hands I’d be terrified of infections if she put her fingers anywhere near my vagina for a start. And I can’t fathom not washing your toys properly after, or before, each use. Your stomach is greater than mine. I hope you find a solution and a way to bring this up kindly.
I lived with a man who was very messy and dirty, it was one of the main factors for leaving. I couldn’t get through to him.
This sounds like a case of bad mental health and poor hygiene education in her youth. I was this girl once. I am no longer this girl because I got a wake up call about how gross I was in my teens and shaped up. My hygiene is definitely worse when I’m not mentally okay but I’ve never let it get that bad again and never will. Please come at this conversation with grace and respect, she needs guidance not judgement. EDIT: I see that you’ve approached the subject with her and she basically shuts down and reacts poorly about it. This is a red flag. My ex (also a wlw relationship) was also filthy and had poor mental health and it did not get better with time unless I was the one picking up her slack. Don’t let her treat you like a maid either. She is old enough to know how and why she needs to keep her hygiene up. BTW that relationship did NOT last for many reasons (emotional cheating, gaslighting and mental abuse in general) and her nastiness was a part of it. I can live in a bit of grunge sometimes but I cannot live in a dumpster and you shouldn’t have to put up with it either.
Please just break up with her. At the bare minimum, stop having sex with her. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them if they have these issues and you are grossed out, okay? You can’t stay in a relationship waiting for someone to change. You have to meet her where she’s at because this might be as good as it gets, and if that’s not okay for you then you should leave. What you’re doing now is not fair to either one of you.
Omg. Okay this was a disturbing read. I’m really not sure how to deal with this as hygiene education as a parent is something I’m working on right now. That being said trying to approach an adult to criticize points like this, when even my 11yr old freaks the fuck out when I try to educate her, seems so hard. For now I’m going to try to just brainstorm toss out possible ideas that maybe can help? Also not sure on your situation/budget but maybe the cost will be offset by the possible improvement.
Some ideas just reading this
Essentially, I am writing this based on the idea that you want to maintain the relationship, but it sounds like it will be work. It’s not bad, listen my husband lived disgustingly before I met him and I slowly had to educate him that you need to do things like have sheets on his bed/pillows and wash them regularly. He actually just slept on a bare ass futon with a pillow. He’s lucky I didn’t go running the first time I met him but I would never go to his place, but his acne cleared up once he started listening to my advice. His apartment was pretty gross, and yeah he improved a ton after I had to kind of educate him on how to live cleaner lifestyle. Anyways we’re happy together going on 15yrs now but yeah some people just don’t know any better. You guys are young she maybe just is coming off of having her parent do all that stuff and not knowing any better. Hopefully as your relationship progresses and you get more comfortable she’ll understand that your comments or advice are not meant with ill intent and just based out of a desire to help improve her. In any case, sending you good luck.
Confused by number 5. I mean what do you expect your fingers to smell like after fingering someone’s ass hole? I think it’s weird to shame your gf for this as the only thing that could help with this is by douching before engaging in anal play. Having discharge is normal. Blood stains on panties while menstruating is also not uncommon. Some girlies have designated period panties that are only worn during our periods so we don’t ruin the nice ones. The other things could be helped with some education on becoming more conscious on bacteria and these talks should be centered around promoting self care, why it is important and how it can prevent her from getting sick, infections, and overall better health.
SHE LICKS SEX TOYS TO CLEAN THEM?? 🤢
Okay. Now that that’s out of the way, does she perhaps have depression or ADHD? Look up executive dysfunction. It might be a good place to start.
It sounds like there’s way more than hygiene issues. The self harm and breakdowns is major problem from you only “critiquing” not criticizing, but I see you guys are working on that. I would recommend using “We” statements. Ex: “Hey, We kinda smell, We should go take a shower”
For cleaning in general, I’d say start small. Start with personal hygiene then move up. For the days you’re not there, she doesn’t have to worry about the room clean up but can focus on her hygiene. For the days you come over, she can either try fully cleaning alone or you can offer to help so she doesn’t get overwhelmed. I hope this helps, best of luck.
Edit to add to my comment: If the “We” statements don’t help, try acknowledging that she’s trying before “critiquing” so that might help soften the blow. The key is for her to understand you’re not saying it to be malicious but because you care/love her and she deserves to be healthy.
It’s been 10 months dude 😭 yall can’t be fr
I wouldn’t be able to date someone like that. Just couldn’t do it.
I’m not surprised there was an awful smell when you fingered her asshole.
i wish i could unread all of this as well. this is downright laziness. I have bad days and even I don’t let my partner see it. She needs to get her shit together or you need to leave 😂
Ahh I’m sorry this is hard to read 🙁 I couldn’t do it. There’s “hygiene issues” like maybe not brushing well enough so someone has stinky breath or rewears the same shirt etc but this is really next level gross and not as simple. It seems like there’s deeper emotional issues going on..
I would personally end the relationship because most of these are dealbreakers
LEAVE HER ! She is not marriage material at all ! She’s fucking gross!
I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again, some people are just NASTY. Doesn’t matter how they were raised, or what their mental health status is. Some people are just straight NASTY.
Dude, she is f’n nasty. Seriously. If her hygiene is this bad, I cannot fathom what the rest of her life looks like. GTFO.
Start taking showers together as a sexy couples activity.
Nothing to do with the post but I really dont get the point of telling us its a throwaway account. It has nothing to do with the story and could alert the person you are talking about that this could actually be someone they know using a throwaway account.
Omg wtf
Just as well this is from a throwaway account….I’d like to throw away the last 3 minutes of my life.
Throw this relationship far, far away OP, and run away if you have to.
My best friend is like this. Your girlfriend may have other issues going on that causes the hygiene issues. I’d recommending talking with her about what else is going on and see about helping her get some professional help.
I stopped at #1. Apparently, no one has ever told her that she’s completely disgusting. Someone should.
Brother in christ i will pray for you. 🙏
5 escalated so quickly, I was not prepared 😭
If this was a man people would be screaming for you to leave, so…yeah. This is ridiculous.
Hey man! I was in a similar situation once, but I dated her for about two years, albeit not THAT bad but it was pretty bad. The thing is, that’s just fucking disgusting. Is there a reason you’d stay with her regardless of her hygiene? If someone told me my X or my Y smelled I would never, ever let it smell bad again. Is there a reason you haven’t already broken up with her months ago?
Okay the room part resonated with me.. even my own personal bathroom was a hazmat. Once I went to therapy, I take pride in my house and bathroom but I can’t believe my boyfriend stayed.
The underwear you could make it like a sexy date thing and she can get some new ones.
The butthole one I got nothing. Like does she shower?
The period pad thing is .. wow. Ahh the dildos too!
Have you tried talking to her about it little by little?
Maybe make a “date” to spring clean. She will feel better. I always joked when I watch law and order “shit they are going to see my disgusting bathroom) 🤣
On a serious note, you care about her.. she’s not only doing unsanitary things to herself.. no one is happy living like that. You are doing your best to support her, she just has to admit she wants it. Good luck, OP❤️
Not sure the throwaway will be efficient after you shared so many details about her
Goodness, what a terrible day to be literate…
I’m confused on 5. It makes sense to me that a butthole is gonna smell exactly like what comes out of it. As for 1 it’s also normal for staining to happen from time to time. Could probable still replace the holy underwear tho.
Does she have a physical or mental ailment of any sort ? If yes could explain a lot. If not, then new habits need to be formed now
I read half of this. If you’re comfortable, show her how you shower. Make it fun. Sing head and shoulder knees and toes. Buttholes too!
I’m half serious but it might help.
Personally? I don’t approach until they clean themselves let alone put my finger in their bum.
What a pig. Get rid of her.
Sounds like your gf is adjusting to living with someone other than family or herself.
It can take some time to break from habits learned in your home, especially the bad ones.
In my family home, we didn’t show affection, and the house never got cleaned unless everyone was gone.
Guess what I have to consciously remind myself of, even after being away from Home for over 10 years?
This seems bigger than just a conversation with you. She may have depression. I would frame it as concern for her and express your willingness to help
Well have you brought up the idea of her going to therapy? Alot of this sounds like it could be depression and/or a result of childhood neglect. It’s extremely embarrassing to have someone, especially a partner, point out some gross thing you do, but she definitely needs to make some changes.
What do these qualities say about the hygiene of someone still having willing intercourse with her
Buy her a bidet. Buy her like two dozen pairs of new undies. Buy her more sheets so she can change them more often. Buy her two pairs of slides – one for indoors, one for outdoors. Have a shower together first anytime you’re about to have sex. Ask her to remove period products before starting anything sexual. ask her to wash her hands. ask her not to eat or wear shoes in bed.
Orrrr otherwise may need to just let this one go. thats already way too much responsibility.
It just keeps getting worse. She needs to be alone and live alone
And you are having sex with this foul hooman? I’m not sure which is more gross…..
Why are you dating a CHUD?
Damn, girl. This is a lot to take in. My best guess would be depression as the reason.
As for how to get her to change? Have you talked to her family/friends? Maybe a loving intervention is in order. Done in a compassionate way.
Tell her you care about her, and don’t want to leave her, but you can’t continue like this.
No
I don’t even know how I’d be able to be around someone this gross. Like regardless if it’s mental health. At her age she knows better and if this has been 10 months, I’d walk away. This is supposed to be the honeymoon. She clearly doesn’t want to do this for you.
Also, she should know how to take care of her period. You don’t leave pads on for hours and hours that can cause an infection. And tampons can lead to TSS. You should not be able to smell your partner’s ass, especially through clothing. I think you need to take a long look at this. It’s really really gross and she’s going to get you sick.
I wouldn’t have sex with her and I think you should try therapy to discuss why this is acceptable to you.
5 seems to be related to / causing #1
I don’t think growing up in poverty is an excuse . Tell her she needs to take care of herself better
What a terrible day to know how to read.
I’m shocked that you can be with her at all. This is all disgusting. I don’t like shaming people but this is shameful. She has major issues. I’m surprised you haven’t ended up with infections. You don’t have to be engaging in anal play when she has not bathed properly; tell her that. That’s just gross. I mean, have some self respect. This is all bad bad bad. I wouldn’t even bother with this person to be honest. This is far too much to deal with. Hygiene is important. If she knows it’s important to you then she isn’t respecting you. Ugh, I’m so grossed out now. Just, why would you finger her butthole like that when she’s dirty af? Don’t do that!
She needs to fix herself before she’s ready for a relationship…jfc
Me thinks that is enough reddit for today 🤢🤮🤢🤮
I won’t accept unsanitary shit from any women.
Just dump her. It’s been 10 months. Why would you want to even touch someone this gross?
What future do you envision? Are you both going to purchase a garbage can together to live in?
Move on. Like damn date someone that isn’t repulsing. Clean women exist.
Can’t imagine a single quality that could redeem this for me. Not a face pretty enough or a bank account full enough in the entire world.
That being said, i do not understand people not being willing to be completely, brutally honest about this issue? Like why are you worried about hurting her feelings here? Sometimes people’s feelings SHOULD BE HURT my goodness can we just accept this? She’s doing repulsive things. That i know she knows are repulsive. Anyone acting like maybe she doesnt know needs to stop reaching that far for the benefit of the doubt lol. She cares or she doesn’t. She wants to sit in her own old period blood or she doesn’t. If she can’t afford sanitary products use toilet paper. Like, there is just NO reason. At all. If it’s a poverty or mental health thing my question is, do you think everyone who grew up poor or is mentally ill lives this way??? And if they do, how many do you think just REFUSE to learn to wipe themselves? How many do you think don’t WANT to be better? This is egregious. This is a Her Problem.
“She harms herself” jfc just get out of there lol. She needs professional assistance. Do NOT spend your life like this please I’m begging you
No! Just no.
I struggle a lot with hygiene due to childhood trauma and abuse. I have to constantly remind myself to do basic hygiene things.
How does she do with reminder or even charts? Like, for example a bathroom checklist that lists out hygiene tasks for the week that you both (so she doesn’t feel singled out and targeted at the start until she feels comfortable enough doing it on her own) check off with dry erase. Or an end of the day reset list like making sure clothes and trash are off the ground/put away and dishes in the sink. Maybe a reminder on her phone?
Personally, I have a daily reminder to do tasks with encouragements and a list of tasks to follow for different days. Doing this has helped a lot.
Sometimes when we grow up in neglect and abuse, we lack development in one or many areas. Then, they never get the chance to continue to develop and are stuck in delay. Sometimes the best way to continue that development is not looking at it like how an adult would function, but around the age that they began to delay then working it back up.