TLDR – Sex with my boyfriend (26M) has become infrequent, and it’s starting to really affect me emotionally. I sometimes cry after because the lack of intimacy builds up. I don’t want to pressure him, but I feel unwanted and unsure how to talk to him about it without causing guilt or distance. Looking for advice.
My boyfriend (26M) and I (23F) have been together for 3 years. Lately, we’ve been having sex less and less — it used to be regular, but now we’ll go weeks without, and recently it’s been over a month. This has been pretty upsetting for me. I’ve started to feel like maybe he’s not as attracted to me anymore, even though he keeps assuring me that’s not the case and says he’s just not in the mood lately.
He knows that going so long without intimacy really affects me. I’ve told him how it makes me feel unwanted, and while he listens and says he understands, it still feels like we’re stuck in a cycle. I bring it up, he says he’s not in the mood, I try to be understanding and say “okay,” but then he knows I’m upset — and nothing changes. It’s like we both quietly acknowledge there’s a problem, but neither of us knows how to fix it.
When we do have sex, it’s usually when he wants to, and sometimes even then, it feels like he’s only initiating to make me feel better. I hate that I even question his motives, but I can’t help it — it puts doubt in my head and makes it harder to feel close or relaxed. I want intimacy to feel mutual and natural again, not like it’s happening out of guilt or obligation.
Sometimes it also feels like I have to ask for it or try to “book it in,” which completely kills the mood for me. It starts to feel like a chore or obligation rather than something natural and intimate. I hate feeling like I’m initiating out of desperation.
Something else that’s started happening — and I’m honestly embarrassed about it — is that after we finally do have sex, I sometimes cry. Like, right afterward. It’s not because anything bad happened or because the sex was bad. It just hits me emotionally, especially after going so long without that connection. He’s noticed once or twice, and I know it probably confuses him. I don’t even really know how to explain it myself.
Outside of this, our relationship is great. He’s loving and supportive, and we communicate well in most areas. But this part is starting to affect me more mentally than I’d like to admit. I’m not looking to end things — I love him and want to work through it — but I’m struggling and not sure how to approach it anymore.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How can I talk to him about all this in a way that’s honest but not hurtful? And is crying after sex like this… normal?
Any advice would really mean a lot !!
Comments
There’s nothing to work through here cuz clearly he doesn’t care. If sex matters to you and this makes you uncomfortable move on before it gets worse. I doubt if you talk to him he’ll change. Some men are truly ridiculous
Sexual compatibility is not something you can work through.
If he legitimately just has no drive for partnered sex and he gets cleared by a doctor, then he can’t make himself want more. His drive is what it is, and if you stay with him you’re going to have to somehow be okay with less sex.
Has he been checked by a doctor? Could be a hormonal issue. I experienced the same thing with my partner. The insecurity, feeling unwanted, and crying after sex too. It ended up being that his testosterone levels were out of whack, and fixing that with the help of a physician restored his sex drive.
Don’t listen to the people that say to just break up. If everything else is solid, it’s worth mentioning this to him.