Hi all. Myself (23) and my boyfriend (23) have been in a relationship for about 6 months now. At first things were great. We had the same humor and were practically inseparable. We’re pretty much opposites in every aspect though. I try to go out of my way to help others, I’m empathic to a point where I hinder myself, and I love to meet new people and make new friends. But, my bf on the other hand is the complete opposite. He’s very antisocial, very doom and gloom, has a hard time trusting people, and more so likes to make fun of people than befriend them. He’s had a rough past, so I chalked those sorta “red flag” things up to that.
But regardless, we complemented each other well. Kept each other balanced and in check. We got along so well that at one point the guy nearly moved into my house at 3 months in because his mom kicked him out. I helped as much as I could and stuck by him turning a pretty rough time in his life. I saw him lash out in anger and frustration. I saw him depressed. It put a strain on us most definitely, but I thought we could recuperate. But it hasn’t …. For me, at least.
We recently had one small spat over living arrangements and future plans. I am a very outdoorsy and “quiet life” oriented person. If I had it my way, I would live in my little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of animals for all of eternity. But he absolutely loathes it. He complains all the time about how it’s boring at my house and that he wishes we lived in/near the city. This hurt me, crushed my dreams a little. He insulted the home I worked so hard on to create. And then when we talked about compromising about it, while on the verge of breaking up a few weeks ago, he said “i hope your farm and my animals make you happy because obviously you won’t be happy with me”. Which just felt like a stab in the gut. It was harsh. I did all this work to help him out and SHOW that I cared and loved him. All I was doing at the time was explaining why I was upset and he just hit me with that. I don’t know why I decided to stay then. I guess it was wishful thinking that maybe he would take those miserably tinted glasses off and change. It’s a silly thing to disagree on, yes, but it’s very important to me.
Ever since that fight I have noticed how different we are from one another. I am creative and have a million hobbies where he has an absolute disdain for all the things I enjoy doing and has little to no hobbies (this is something he often complains about not having). But then again, he harshly rags on our friends and the things they enjoy without realizing he’s hurting ME too, because I also enjoy their same hobbies. It’s gotten to the point where I have stopped doing the things I love all together because I’m scared he’s going to view me as stupid or childish for drawing and writing. Which are my two biggest passions in this whole wide world. It’s gotten to the point where I think I would rather die than share any of my work with him. I told him this, and he said he would like to see what I do, but I just… idk. I don’t trust him not to be mean or condescending about it. He also said he’s willing to try some of my hobbies – but I can already hear him being mean and rude to my friends while doing said hobbies. Idk. Maybe this bit is just in my head. But I know his track record. I know how he reacts to things.
All together, he is quite the curmudgeon, which is what drew me in at first. I saw someone broken and wanted to cheer them up. I saw a small glimmer of hope in him. A yearning for happiness and to be understood. I wanted to make him see the bright side of life rather than the doom and gloom. But he has not budged. It’s killing me. I cant stand to be near someone who is negative all the time and only has negative things to say about the things and people around him. It’s gotten to the point where I myself have started acting the same way and I HATE it. It’s been tossing me into a sort of depression because I feel like I’m a bird in a cage.
I suppose I have just fallen out of love with him. I have become to dread when he visits. I cant stand to look at him because I am full of guilt because I do not love him in a romantic sense anymore. I have no attraction to him anymore. I do not want to kiss or hug or hold hands anymore. I find it repulsive now. I love him as a person and a best friend but I don’t think I can do this romantically anymore. He always says he’s excited to see me, but then an hour in we’re having a full blown debate about how our relationship sucks and how to fix it. Nothing works. He says he still loves me romantically, and in turn I have told him that I am not in love anymore – yet he still wants to be in a relationship…. He wants to fix us somehow. He said he can change, and is somewhat trying, but idk if it’s enough.
He says I’m the only person he’d ever want to be with. That I’m the only person who saw him for who he was – which makes me feel so full of guilt and overwhelming sadness knowing he’s stuck in a one-sided relationship because we do not feel the same way. I yearn to find someone who won’t be so judgemental and cruel to others and the things I love.
Yet… this may sound stupid – but- I don’t want to let him go because I’m scared he’ll be thrown into an even bigger downward depressive spiral. I don’t want to be responsible for that. I don’t think I could handle him being all alone, beating himself up, and hurting himself because our relationship failed. Y’know? He tends to do that. Put everything down as his fault. But I’m the one who fell out of love – not him.
I’m not really looking for advice I guess. This hurts. A lot. I just wanted to hear what it’s like leaving someone who’s already in a dark place, I suppose? How do you leave someone who’s already down in the dumps? It feels so wrong. Like you’re abandoning them. Idk if I can forgive myself for feeling like I need to leave when he’s in a time of need too.
TL;DR I feel guilty for wanting to leave/falling out of love with someone who is depressed alongside our differences