I (23F) found emotional messages between my boyfriend (21M) and his ex. I feel like the secret girlfriend, and I’m heartbroken. TL;DR

To begin, please don’t share this…I posted ot here because I need advice….

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TL;DR:
I (23F) found emotional messages between my boyfriend (21M) and his ex. I feel like the secret girlfriend, and my heart is broken. He hasn’t told her we’re together, and he still says “I love you” to her. I don’t know if I’m asking for too much by wanting honesty and emotional exclusivity, but I feel deeply hurt and confused.

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The long version:
My boyfriend (21M) and I (23F) have been together for over a year. His ex lives in another country. He told me they broke up two years ago because she cheated on him. He also said that, after the breakup, she had a very hard time accepting it—it took her a few months to truly let go, at least that’s what he claimed.

I’ve always had a strange gut feeling when it came to her. Recently, I even started having dreams about them. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. This morning, I looked at his messages. I know it was wrong—but what I found broke me.

She was calling him “baby,” telling him things like, “If you don’t want me, just say so, I just want you to be happy.” Instead of setting clear boundaries or reminding her that it’s over, he responded with warmth and affection. He called her “baby” back. He said, “These are foolish things, I love you.”

He never once mentioned to her that he’s in a new relationship, because she is alone and emotional. In fact, she doesn’t even know I exist…. sorta .I even met her once, but she didn’t know who I was—and during that meeting, she tried to kiss him, touched him inappropriately, and looked me directly in the eyes while doing it. He pushed her away, but why was I the one who had to witness that while being invisible?

What hurts most is that he tells her things he never tells me—details about mutual friends, girls flirting with him, and other parts of his life I’m left out of. I know his mother too, and she doesn’t know about us either. Apparently, she struggles with him being in a relationship, so he hasn’t told her. But still—it all adds up to me feeling hidden and unimportant.

I confronted him and told him how painful this is. I asked for honesty and boundaries. I’m not trying to control him. I’m not being jealous. I just want to feel like I’m in a real, open relationship—one where I’m not the only person emotionally committed.

I’ve written him a long message expressing all of this, and I plan to send it tonight, because during the day he needs to study. He needs to understand. And if you’re wondering why I looked at his phone: it wasn’t paranoia. I’ve caught him in two lies before—once, when he told me he was meeting a classmate (a mutual friend), but it turned out to be a girl who flirts with him and who actively ignores me, even though she knows we’re together.

The truth is—I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But this feels like emotional cheating. And I don’t know how to rebuild trust when I feel like I’m constantly competing with a ghost from the past that he keeps alive…I don’t want to loose him, his aunt knows about us and his best friend.

Is it wrong to ask him to clearly end things with her and be transparent about us? Am I asking for too much by wanting clarity, respect, and emotional exclusivity? How can I make him understand that what he’s doing is deeply hurtful and wrong?

I’m heartbroken and confused. Any advice would mean the world.