I (23F) want to visit my family and my partner (29M) refuses to let me

Hi Reddit.

I wanted to post on here about a problem my partner and I have been experiencing and I could really use an outsider’s perspective as well as let off some steam pertaining to the situation.

I 23F have been with my partner 29M for three years now and we live together with a few family members of his. My partner (I’ll call him B) has a close relationship with his family and of course when he’s living with three of them, there’s bound to be a closeness and openness because you see each other all the time, which I adore. I’ve moved here to TN (where he resides) and broke the distance between us so that we could have a relationship and neither of us were really fond of the distance anyway.

I’m from New York City so moving from a city like that all the way to the south was a big adjustment on its own and I’m still learning everyday when living here with him. Living here in TN is not bad. Living in NYC wasn’t either. My family is up in NY and I have not seen them in person in three years now. I call and video chat and text most days to keep up with them and them with me, but lately it’s not really been enough. There have been times in these last three years (during the first and second year mostly) where I would get a little homesick and have been missing familiar faces and familiar things in the city. I was able to brush it off a little more easy then. These homesick episodes would last about a day or two and I’d be okay.

B has not ever tried to get to know my family though and it saddened me because I am here, living with some of his, and we see his family all the time and I have gotten to learn a lot about them not just from living with them but also interacting and seeing how they are as people and they’ve made me feel very welcomed from day one. I’m also very introverted and shy so knowing his family is like my second family is very heart-warming to me. And when I first got here, I thought B would eventually warm up and get the desire to know my family at some point and just gave it some time.

He rarely ever asked about them. He didn’t bother texting anybody on my side. I will admit. Due to me having moved here with B, my family (while they weren’t disrespectful or anything) have asked me about him and they were expressing their concerns with me having moved here with no family nearby and how this was all going to go. B had known about that and I told him that my family was just concerned about me because I had never done this before or lived with anyone other than them so they were asking questions out of genuine concern, not ill intent.

So I expected B to not really want to communicate with my side of the family because he might have been embarrassed with all the concerns and questions so I gave it more time.

At some point it has been over a year and as I got more comfortable here and gotten to know his family and lived here for awhile, I brought it up to B that my family was taking a liking to him and they’re not mad at him or anything and they are very open to get to know him. And I said it was important for me that my partner gets to know my family because they’re an important part of my life. It was up to him what he wanted to do with that information.

At one point my parents were sending me some things from home just because and they even asked if he wanted anything and they would send over his stuff too. Whatever he wanted. I told B this. My dad even offered to send groceries to help us out because none of us are very well off financially and so there were some times where it was difficult to get by. B took up the offer for the groceries. After some more time, B still wasn’t trying to put in any effort to reach out to my family or anything. Getting him to message my dad was like pulling teeth. I told him messaging my brother would be better because they’re closer in age and he speaks English fluently. (My father speaks English too but it’s not perfect and my mother can’t speak English, so I wasn’t going to urge him to talk to her ofc bc of the language barrier.) B insisted he message my dad instead so I said okay because something was better than nothing.

He did so for a couple days and then fell off. He stopped messaging. And when he did message, it would be two or three texts back and forth and then B was the one to end the conversation every time. I found it to be very half-ass but I didn’t want to discourage him because before I had gotten nothing.

B knew this was affecting me and over time I was only missing my family more and more. Each time I had a “homesickness” episode it felt like it was even stronger than the last. This wasn’t even me being too concerned with B getting closer with my family, I was just missing my folks. And missing being in the city. I had told B I wanted to visit home and see my parents but he was hesitant to let me visit.

Eventually he told me (out of his own accord) that we would plan a trip this coming December to go up to NY to see my family and he would come with me. It would just take time to plan but we could do it. I was ecstatic. We were planning it for a couple months and then B started getting stressed out about the whole thing and then eventually it got to him and a couple months later now and he said “I don’t even want to go on this trip.” B started saying how it’s not where he wants to go, he doesn’t want to waste money on going somewhere he doesn’t even want to be, and it doesn’t benefit him in any way.

I was crushed to hear it but I told him it was his idea that he initiated and I was very excited to do this with him and finally introduce him to my folks and we could visit places there and it would be fun. He also said “if one of your family members say something to me or insult me I’m not staying there anymore and I’m coming back here and you are too.” I’ve told him that even if my family had a somewhat rocky start with him, it’s been three years now and he needs to get to know them eventually and it seems like they’re the only ones on board with that step and he’s still not and it wasn’t fair. He has to give them a chance just like they are with him. They’ve said nice things about him, and I’ve mentioned the stuff that they’ve done for us when they didn’t even have to and here he is thinking they’re cold-hearted people that would insult him and all…

For so long he chose not to make an effort to reach out to them (even when he said he would) and he never did. Or he would for a couple days and then fall off. I thought this trip was a way for him to put in that effort and we could all hang out and just get closer but he wasn’t having it. It was like he got cold feet and just doesn’t want to go through with it anymore. It also hurt because he seemed to adamant about it when he first mentioned it only to be so against the idea how. It was like an empty promise and it hurt. Or a big tease, with him knowing how much I missed them.

I gave up on it and he dropped the subject too of course but I could not stop thinking about being back home. I told him a couple days ago that I wanted to visit home. If he didn’t want to come with me that was okay (even if I really wanted him to) but I craved that connection again with my family and just being back home and also getting to know my nephew (when I left home he was only a baby so I really wanted to meet him now and it’s something else I think about too considering he’s only getting older).

I laid it all out for him and told him this desire to be home again was so strong and if it meant I had to go by myself then I wanted that. I needed that. He told me no. He said he was afraid I wasn’t going to come back. I told him I would. I asked him what it would take. I told him I’d show him the plane ticket and I’ll leave most of my stuff here and he wasn’t having it. He said he didn’t want to risk it. He thinks my parents will convince me to stay up there and I won’t come back and that’ll be it. He then said that I needed to respect that and that if I was going to go visit them anyway, then I would not be allowed to come back here in TN. And that we would be done. I was crushed.

Even at times where I said that when I did want to visit NY I wanted to be there for at least a full month. At least. I’ve been with him for three years and see him day in and day out. And most of the time he would play video games so we’re not even doing much together and there’s not a lot to do here in this town anyways. I didn’t see my family for three whole years. I wanted this trip. He would tell me “a month is crazy. 2 weeks is the most you could stay there.”

I doubted myself for a bit and thought “maybe staying there for a month was too much. Maybe he’s right.” But now I don’t know.

I feel very hurt. Very lost. And stressed out over this situation.

Tl;dr: I have been missing my family dearly lately and have told my bf that I want to see them even if it means he doesn’t want to go with me, which he was originally on board with. When I told him I’d go alone, he didn’t like the idea and threatened to break up because he thinks I wouldn’t come back. What should I do in this situation so that we could both be comfortable??