For over a year I have been so unsure about this situation and feeling more and more distant towards her. I don’t know what to do anymore any suggestions?
Some Background: My GF and I were highschool sweethearts and got together when we were both 16. After school I moved to a different city to study computer engineering (1h apart from each other, so we saw each other plenty). She stayed with her parents and worked for a while. After that she went to university and finished a bachelor’s. 3 Years ago she moved in with me and after looking for jobs she is now pursuing a second bachelor’s in my city, because she was and is unhappy with the opportunities the first one provided. At the moment I am also still in university and finishing up my masters.
I feel like she gets unlucky a lot in life. When we finished school her whole friendgroup fell apart, which left her with no friends and with covid it was hard for her to meet any new ones at her first university. She struggles with a lot of social anxiety. After moving out her dad cheated on her mom and they divorced, her parents overall weren’t good to her and she has a lot of problems from this. They don’t talk much anymore. So she is very alone and dependent on me and I try to be there! I try to be her Partner, her friend, her everything. Because she is so sweet and precious. She doesn’t deserve being alone or any suffering I would put onto her by leaving. But it is destroying me, I have to care so much for her that I feel stuck in life and don’t move forward anymore. I share my friends and ask her to come to most things with me if she wants to. This is putting a strain on me.
2021 I went into therapy for 2 years because of Depression, (It runs in the family and I also didn’t grow up in a stable household). I also started working out and losing weight, for the first time in my life. This was 2 years ago and at that point I was in good shape physically and mentally.
Shortly after I met 2 of my now best friends, Trish and Steve [22F,24M] in quick succession, they have been a blessing! I didn’t realize that I was also missing friends in this city after covid, but I really was lonely. All my friends were back in my childhood town. Now i see Trish and Steve seperated or together multiple times a week. Steve is the most Bro guy I ever met, very chill always up for a good time and very empathetic. Trish and I have gotten really close as well, we often meet as two, we have similar music and entertainment taste so we go out to bars and clubs together or stay at hers, listen to music and talk until late in the night about anything silly or deep. Now that it is warmer we go to the beach to swim, talk and sunbathe. My GF dislikes all those things and they are overall pretty polar opposites, but they get along very well and also like each other. When we have bigger group activities they often sit together and talk.
Something my GF and I didn’t consider when we started our relationship, was the topic of having children (Because we were children ourselves back then). When we talked about it some time ago, she said she was scared of being pregnant (fair!) and wasn’t sure if she wanted kids because of pregnancy. I wish I could help her with it and after some talks to understand her fears i suggested therapy. I know for myself I want to have kids in my life, also in the next 5-10 years because I don’t want to be an old dad like mine was, he had me with 51. I thought about Adoption, but to be honest I want biological children of mine… Idk if that is weird. You can judge me for it, or judge me for anything else I may be missing here!
Trish has told me on multiple occasions that she wants to have kids when she is older and that made me question my relationship more often, because I realized that there are probably other women more aligned with what I want in life and that I just settled early and never looked back until now. Maybe this is also stupid… I want my GF, but I don’t want to force a life onto her that she doesn’t want. Yet if I just settle for hers I will be unhappy.
Well to say the least, this has been a big problem in my head now and I talked with her about it. I felt so cruel but I asked her to please tell me if she ever wants kids and that I can’t wait for her to decide with 35 that she doesn’t. This was almost a year ago and since then I asked her 3 times and she is just brushing it off and avoiding it. I don’t feel like she will come to me with it and I don’t even know if I will believe a “yes” from her or if I just pressured her into agreeing because she does not want to loose me.
My GF also agrees that therapy would help her, with anxiety and mental issues as well as the pregnancy scares. But she just doesn’t do it, she doesn’t want to call places or write emails, so I do it for her if she asks/wants me to. Still there was always a reason not to start, she always has some date coming up after which “she will have the time for it, but not right now”. I have told her that I can’t take full care of two people struggling with mental health and that it was already hard getting me out of my hole and staying out. Obviously she is scared of it and it is absolutely not my place to force her, but I just don’t feel taken seriously with my struggles.
This is probably all a bit rambly, but there are many examples of me asking/pleading for something and it being disregarded or forgotten, even tho I state how much I struggle with it.
I don’t want to break her heart or make her feel bad, because she doesn’t deserve more trauma and couldn’t fall back on any kind of safety net, but I can not handle this anymore and it’s ripping my heart apart. (This is something I told her about, but I don’t feel like she sees the urgency to act)
At this point I don’t even feel like I want to fix this sometimes and just run away. *hypothetically
Comments
I see two issues:
She isn’t putting any effort into working on her mental health when she admits she could use help.
Even if she gets over pregnancy fears. Does she want children? Does she have the desire to spend at least 18 years of her life dedicated to raising a well rounded adult? Wiping their ass, taking them to activities, teaching them how to have healthier emotional regulation, etc.
At this rate, I don’t believe she wants kids. If you truly want kids, I don’t think it takes over a year of thought with reminders and no clear answers.
If you don’t want to leave, maybe get you both in front of a couple’s counselor. Since then you can just organize it to get the ball rolling on resolving any of this.
It seems to me you’re approaching this with all the respect, empathy and understanding a person and partner deserves. Good job!
That said. It’s also fair to expect the same things for yourself. Her refusing to work on problems you are supposedly both seeing and her refusing to give you an answer of any kind for a whole year is… not treating you with the same respect.
It’s normal for people to grow apart with time. It’s sad but it happens. You are allowed to want different things in life.
You shouldn’t stay with her out of charity as she doesn’t have anywhere else to go; that’s not a healthy basis for a relationship. It will fester and come out, and come out ugly.
I’d try therapy first but as she’s not taking it serious…hold on, is it a finance issue as in she’d want to go if she can afford it? Otherwise if finances aren’t an issue and she just being lazy about it, an ultimatum might do the trick.
I wouldn’t want to have kids if I were in her shoes! Take a trip down @regretfulparents lane and get back to me! That sh!t is hard and a lot and a life time commitment. She’s probably going to try to do it for you which increases the chances of regrets. She doesn’t have a village so most likely it’ll turn into a nightmare. I don’t even understand why anyone sane would want a kid!
Looks like parting ways is a possibility. I’d start bringing it all up now so she can start expecting it. With what you’ve been through, you wouldn’t want it to be a shock. You awe her at least that.