I (23M), had to reject this girl (22F) out, because of how much hatred i have in me.

I am a man with his life put together, attaining a well-payed job and successfully rebuilt my stability, especially mental health wise.

I have gone through some periods of self-sabotage, abuse and disparities that affected me severely; with either the help of my mind that figured itself out like a scientific rubix cube and therapists, this has finally set me on the straight path and re-claimed my victories over both the badness and me.

However, in this journey, I have learned some… “truths” about humanity, society as a whole, and no, I don’t mean just women or a specific race, but everyone, both gender and any race (Since I’m a believer that anyone can be a bad person, no matter the ethnicity, race or gender; it all depends on how they were raised and how they naturally react or favor more deliberately, good or bad). All in all, this cultivated a natural disdain into humanity as a whole which permeated upon my already ill-emotions from abuse; all of this essentially came in a crash, and it numbed me insanely.

(And no, this has nothing to do with self-hatred; I never went through that period despite even self-sabotaging. At my worst, i either did not care about myself or i loved me.)

Without explaining that period much, after I got rid of my apathy and I stopped my resentment of impeding my motivation, I didn’t naturally get rid of my hatred… and.. honestly I don’t want too.

By nature, atleast when I was younger, I was more conditioned to be innocent, not that I’m calling myself that, but rather the type surrounding it; trust, respects, passions too much… is willing to put other people first even if meant to y’know, be abused… yeah, reading this, I’m pretty sure now sets the tone of my earlier mentionings of abuse, at how I came to suffer from that, lol.

Needless to say, since I know how to keep my lust in check and I was never dependent on romance, despite my sexual abuse suffered at the hands of women(s), this has skewed my concept of ‘romantical love’ since early on and I was already suspicious on any sort-of partner, and that was before my mental crashed on me. However, it actualized a resistance towards any incessant need of intimacy, in order to be happy; I found other ways (to be (happy)).

This girl that I’ve been chatting with, has been one of my great friends for a longitude of years; we’ve shared private stuff, had each other’s backs since she was recluse most of the time, because of how her own abuse impacted the ability to form connections and want to interact properly.

Unfortunately for her, the topic of love & future & families came up, and right out of the blue, she just said that she likes me and wants to go on a date.

I didn’t mention this before, but even post-part recovery, some of my emotions took a hit and the biggest was empathy; I cannot feel it anymore, or if it’s there, it’s fully numbed out (yes, I’m working with a therapist still); so I didn’t notice how insensitive I was, when I immediately rejected her; and even now, I can’t feel bad for it, I only have my cognitive empathy to tell me that I should’ve treaded more carefully at how I denied her.

She was dejected and confused at my initial rejection, wondering why I rejected her so fast.. and I instantly skipped towards some prospects and asked her if she wanted a boyfriend that would love, respect and cherish her and she obviously said yes. That’s why, I spoke in response that I cannot be that person; that I have gone so much farther into hatred that there isn’t an ounce of passion or respect anymore. That’s soul which wanted to be so beautifully in love with another person and generate them the proper affection, has long been dead by now.

At first, she thought that I was exaggerating, since I didn’t told her what I’ve been going through mentally, and even hid it from her when she obviously snuffed the things wrong with me; I honestly didn’t tell her, because I didn’t want her to worry.

After, I quickly made efforts in order to not destroy this long-termed friendship that we had, comforted her and wanted to help her build some confidence in order to meet someone else, that’s suited for her and can actually feel; so far, it’s going okay I believe, she doesn’t ghost me or I didn’t notice a ‘slow-down’ in messages so I think in part, it will be okay.