TL;DR: I (23M) have been ignored and dissed by my boyfriend’s (23M) parents for a year. What should I do?
Using a throwaway account as I don’t know if my boyfriend uses reddit.
I have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for just over a year. This is my first relationship and I am head over heels for him.
The issue I am having is with his parents. His brother and his brother’s girlfriend are absolutely lovely and I can’t fault them at all. However for the first year of our relationship, his parents didnt want anything to do with me. I have been dating my boyfriend for longer than his brother and his girlfriend have been dating, but as soon as my boyfriend’s brother got into a relationship, they welcomed his girlfriend with open arms and were so excited for their relationship. She was invited to all family gatherings and parties straight away
On the other hand, for a year, I sat outside in my car waiting for my boyfriend to get ready before we did our own thing. Not once did either of his parents show any interest in me. My boyfriend told me they didnt feel comfortable with me even coming to the door. One time, before I moved closer to where my boyfriend lives, they wouldnt let me stay over for one night (it wouldve been nearly a 2 hour drive home) and my boyfriend thought it would be better for me to sleep outside in my car. Eventually we settled on staying in a cheap hotel for the night. I have dropped my boyfriend off at numerous family parties, seeing his brother’s girlfriend’s car parked outside and no-one even acknowledged that I had dropped him off, nevermind being invited inside.
When I bought my first home, closer to where my boyfriend lives, again, his parents couldnt have cared less.
On the other hand, when I invited my boyfriend over to meet my family, he was welcomed with open arms and everyone was so happy to meet him. I feel like I’m the only one missing out and not being accepted.
Around March this year, my boyfriend’s parents decided they wanted to meet me, because his father felt sorry that I was sitting outside with no acknowledgement. I was invited to their home and accepted their invitation. When I was there, they were asking me quite condescending questions about where I lived and how I should be careful in that area. The area is fine, its just not as prestigeous as where they live). They also were asking if I do all my chores like washing my clothes or if my parents do them ( knowing full well that my mother passed in my teens and my father isnt in the picture). His father then offered any help I needed with my flat, knowing that I had lived there for six months and me, my grandma, my brother and my boyfriend worked tirelessly to make the flat my now home. I decided to try and brush these things off.
I was then ever so kindly allowed to enter my boyfriend’s home a second time while picking him up because I wanted to help with his bags. Things went pretty smoothly that time.
A few weeks later, it was my boyfriend’s mother’s birthday. I didnt expect to be invited, but it still hurt when my boyfriend told me his mother didnt want me to be there as she wouldnt feel comfortable keeping our relationship a secret from her family, eventhough we have agreed to be “best bros” until he comes out to his grandparents, which im absolutely fine with, and his grandparents are lovely. But it again showed me that she didnt accept our relationship, and didnt accept me.
Again, I thought, for my boyfriend’s sake, I’ll try my best to sweep this under the rug. The final straw was when I went to a second gathering with his parents. Towards the end of the night his dad pulled me to a side and told me that I no longer needed to sit outside in my car “like a weirdo”. I just nodded, said goodbye to my boyfriend and left. It was a complete slap in the face. I felt like he was insinuating that I had chosen to sit outside in my car for a year, when in actual fact they completely ignored me and wanted nothing to do with me.
When my boyfriend’s parents went on holiday, my boyfriend invited me to stay for a few days. Once I left my boyfriend messaged saying that his brother was fretting about how his parents would react if they found out I had stayed. This showed me that absolutely nothing had changed and they still don’t accept my and my boyfriend’s relationship.
Was I right to tell my boyfriend that I have completely lost interest in wanting any kind of relationship with his parents, and refuse to park outside his house to eliminate any chance of contact with them? Do you have any advice on how I should proceed, because I find it so sad that there isnt even a foundation for a relationship between me and his parents after they ignored me for so long?
Thank you in advance.
Comments
You really buried the lead here. Couldn’t figure out if you were male or female for the first chunk of your post.
Anyway, isn’t it clear that the issue is them being homophobic? Not sure there’s much you can do about that.
I think the issue is that your boyfriend is letting this happen. He needs to stand up for you and for your relationship. He shouldn’t be so complicit in how his parents are treating you.
You’re dating him not them. They sound like shitty people, but if he loves you, he needs to stand up for you.
The issue here is your boyfriend. He’s the one who hadn’t stood up to his parents, and has allowed you to spend a year sitting outside their house in your car. Yes, his parents are obviously homophobic, but he’s allowing them to be. You’re worth more than being a guilty secret or someone to be kept outside. If he’s not going to stand up for you and your relationship, then you’re going to have to stand up for yourself. Do you really want a future like this? Updateme!
There’s a few issues here. They never made an attempt to invite you in yet his dad made a comment about you waiting outside like a weirdo. Sounds like either dad was trying to include you in an odd way, one of the neighbors said something about you sitting outside for long periods of time and he got embarrassed or he felt a little guilty for you sitting out there. But it shifted to you being weird.
Next. Is your bf the oldest? Because a lot of parents place more pressure on an older child to do everything right/ be more successful and be a good example for younger siblings.
Could also be a golden child dynamic and your bf isn’t the golden one.
And I’m sorry to say this but grandchildren could be very important to his parents and they dote on/ accept the gf more because she could give them grandchildren while you physically can’t.
Bottm line is that I think they are homophobic. And no you aren’t wrong for wanting to distance yourself from them and possibly not have a relationship with them.
But what is your bf doing about it? He’s probably limited because he lives with them. But at least he could be talking to his parents and finding out what is going on here.
No way I’m waiting outside of a house I’m not invited to. I Drop him off and go do something else if he wants to be there. If they don’t like you he shouldn’t want you around them.
It’s a little rough because they aren’t being outright mean / horrible to you but you can tell they aren’t accepting.
What you and your bf should do is sit down and have a serious conversation about what the future looks like if his parents don’t accept you. Is it an option for his family and you to be separate and almost never interact with each other? What if you at some point adopt a child? How will that be handled especially if the child isn’t treated well.
There’s a lot to discuss.
Edit fixed a typo.