TLDR: I told my mother Im bicurious unplanned and it did not go down well. Now I fear I might have worsen her mental health
Hi I (23M) just 3 hours ago told my mother 49F that I am bicurious unplanned during a conversation. She did not take it well and immediately she said she would not accept the possibility of me liking both men and women. Even shamed me for it and labelled bisexual people as a mental illness, which is quite a common bias in the chinese society. She even labelled bisexual as something equivalent of a murderer, which is honestly insane.
I have luckily learnt from the online world that you should be comfortable with your own sexuality and at the moment, I took it as she ridiculing my sexuality and perhaps have directly told her I would leave the home and that is why I suffered trauma as a child. She immediately bursted into tears and her anxiety kicked up to a hundred percent. My dad then stepped in and guilt trip me for worsening my mom s mental health and told me that I need to “become straight” to hold the family together.
Now I am stuck in this crazy situation that I honestly don’t know what to do. This might be very personal but my mom also has a past history of depression many years ago and I have had an intense fear of her commiting suicide as a child. Seeing that my mom s PTSD kick in during our argument, that fear is honestly becoming more real and is taking a toll on my mental health as well.
At this point Im honestly more concerned about my mom’s mental health. She might have perceived me being bicurious as a threat due to her bias, but truly it is not a threat to her at all, but at the same time, I dont want to just stand here and do nothing. How do I let her know that I dont mean harm when I say Im bicurious? Is there any good way to communicate these topics while also giving them the time and space needed to understand me? How do I show my mom that I still love her? Please help
Comments
>How do I let her know that I dont mean harm when I say Im bicurious?
After all this, why are you worried about the “harm you’ve done to her” and not the harm she’s doing to you?
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A loving, healthy mother would accept you for ALL of you. I’m so sorry.
You are not responisble for your mother’s mental health and backwards beleifs. Do not let her talk you into thinking differently. If she has an issue, she can go to therapy. You are not causing her any harm. Her chosen beleifs are causing her harm. I honestly don;t think that engaging with her on this is a good idea. You have said your peace. Your mom isn;t going to change her opinion and will just keep deriding you.
I’m not Asian but very similar family dynamics, including a mother with a past history of depression who freaked the fuck out when I told my parents I was bisexual at about the age of 19. My mother assumed that meant I would be promiscuous and an immoral cheater, and that all bisexual people cheat on their romantic partners. Lot of bigotry. I know what it’s like to worry that just living your life might lead a parent to attempt suicide, it’s an awful burden to live under.
My general advice would be, if you are living under your parents’ roof or otherwise financially or emotionally deeply entangled with them, tell them almost nothing about your dating life – whether you’re seeing a man or a woman or anyone in between. They don’t want to know, they’re not going to treat you well if they do know. As you get more independence, put some distance between you. I’m not saying cut them off, but just like… they don’t need to know the details if they’re not going to be respectful, and as you can tell it causes them emotional distress. I’m not saying lie, I’m saying just tell them the absolute minimum about your dating life.
I would not necessarily expect your parents to come around. Some will, some won’t. My parents have been insisting I’m straight because I married someone of a different gender and it’s like no… I’m not… but I’m also not going to tell them about all of my lesbian experiences because A) it’s none of their business, B) it would be dehumanizing for me and C) their emotional freakout would benefit neither of us.
It does not matter if she accepts it.
“Becoming straight” first of all isn’t possible, and even if it were it wouldn’t be a reasonable thing to ask someone.
Honestly the best possible thing for her mental health will be you openly, happily being yourself. Her stress and anxiety are made up BY HER because she thinks this is a huge deal. She is inglicting this on herself, and until she stops there is nothing you can do to “fix” it. Be yourself. Let what happens, happen.
Fuck that. Live your life.
I know she’s your mom and you love her, but she doesn’t sound like a good person. She can deal with it.