I (24F) have been married to my husband(27M) for two years, together for four. Recently I wanted to spice things up so I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies, he was a bit hesitant at first but I reassured him I wouldn’t judge him and worst comes to worst it would just be something I’m not interested in and we could keep the status quo. He opened up and I found out he had a lot of sexual kinks I never knew about. Some of them really took me by surprise but I did my best to be open and receptive to them. I decided to do some research on them myself and then for our anniversary after we had a romantic dinner and exchanged gifts I let him know I had one more gift for him and to meet me in the bedroom in a few minutes. I changed into a sexy outfit and included some props I felt fit his fantasies. He obviously enjoyed seeing me like that and got even more excited when I told him what my plans were for the night. I thought everything went great, not all of the things we did were super pleasurable for me, but I really enjoyed seeing how into it he was and I definitely saw a new side of him in the bedroom that I did enjoy.
Since then he has been very distant with me and started acting weird. He was yelling more which is not like him, snapping at me for little things, and he was just looking at me differently. I was concerned so we had a sit down and I asked him to be completely open with me about what was bothering him. I had to coax it out of him but finally he told me that after the things I did and the things I let him do to me on our anniversary he has lost a lot of respect for me and every time he looks at me now he can’t help but find me disgusting. I was obviously hurt and he told me he knew it was irrational and that I did it for him, but at the same time seeing me like that and seeing how willing I was made him feel like was a slut and not the type of person he would want to raise his children. He has been trying to get over it but he can’t really ignore that fact that what we did made him see me as less, as someone who doesn’t deserve respect and that a respectable woman wouldn’t have let those things happen in the bedroom. I asked him if he had talked to anyone about what happened and if they put doubts in his head but he said he hadn’t talked to anyone about it and wouldn’t because he knew that anyone would feel the same way he did if he told them and didn’t want to get judged for marrying me. I cried a lot and after a while he just left to stay with his parents and hasn’t come back.
I’m heartbroken after hearing him talk about me like that, I feel like I’m being blamed for something I did for him. I will admit that some of the things involved are degrading by nature but I felt safe doing them with him because I trusted him. I texted him telling him that I love him and this is something we need to talk through and he agreed to meet me in few days but he still needs time to process his feelings alone. I need to know how I can talk him through things? And if things don’t improve I need to get ready to leave which won’t be easy, we are very enmeshed and I’m not completely financially independent from him. I work because I didn’t want to be completely helpless if he left, but we recently had some expenses that ended up draining both our finances so a divorce isn’t something either of us can afford easily. I’m also worried that he might end up telling people what happened if we do divorce, we live in a pretty religious area and I know that I will be judged harshly if people find out what happened and it would suck to have to move and lose my support system on top of losing my partner.
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So you made his fantasies come true and he regrets it? That sounds like his problem, not yours. He needs therapy to work on why he feels shame for his sexual fantasies.
That’s unfair of him since he was the one who wanted to do those acts in the first place, remember he was a willing participant in those acts to. Suggest couples therapy to him to see if that can rebuild his feelings for you.
Oh my god. I am so sorry. Please take some time to think about if this is someone that you even want in your life. I can imagine the hurt you’re going through and I really feel for you about it. You opened yourself up sexually for someone and I think it’s so odd that he is judging YOU for acting out HIS fantasies. Just think about that for a moment.
This seems like a cruel setup. Sorry this happened to you.
What a weird man. By any chance, is he religious or brought up in religion?
you can tell him”This whole operation was your idea”
This is why I never ever do any sex acts “for” someone unless it’s something I’m also genuinely into. No way. I do t think I’m capable of loving anyone that much tbh.
Why are you focusing on his feelings towards you? How about your feelings towards your husband after he did those things to you? You need to look at it from the other perspective. Your husband gets off on doing degrading things towards women. You said it yourself “a few things I didn’t find pleasurable” yet he kept going. You know when your partner is not enjoying something in bed and yet he kept on doing those things because he enjoyed them. So ask yourself “do I want to be married to a man that gets off on those things and then degrades me for indulging his own fantasy that he wanted?”? It sounds to me that he not only enjoys degrading in the bedroom but he also likes to do it in everyday life.
You need to flip the script. Go to him and say “I lost a lot of respect for you knowing that you were getting off to doing those things to me, and that if it weren’t to me you’d be getting off to doing those things to other women”.
Your husband is an idiot. His mentality is very ignorant as well.
What a jerk, honestly..
Just to let you know, you did the best thing any wife/partner could do.
Its not on you.
Unfortunately this is a very common scenario.
Right now you’re focused on his needs, but you have to ask yourself if you’ll truly be able to move on from this if he’s able to get over it.
He wanted these fantasies and is now judging you for them. Whatever his repressed sexual hang ups are, hes sl*t shaming you and questioning your suitability to be a mother to his children. Personally I wouldn’t be able to move past that, even if he apologises and tries to make things right. The trust would be irrevocably broken for me.
Don’t just focus on him, consider yourself in all of this as being enmeshed means your codependency results in an inability to think for yourself and put your needs first. It can’t always just be about him.
You are being blamed, but it’s not your fault. He’s the issue; His behavior is very much the issue.
You don’t need advice on what to say because you’ve already said it. He needs advice on how to get his head out of his ass. To respect his wife, and you, as a person.
If he does say something then it is possible there could be some blowback on you because the society we live in, for the most part, caters to men at the expense of women. Once again, however, it’s not your fault.
If this continues on the same trajectory with his behavior, your mental health will begin to erode more, and not all trauma can be forgotten. One quote I’ll always remember is, “a person can forgive, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.” You know what I mean?
Your husband is a massive loser.
You did nothing wrong.
This is a “him” problem. He needs therapy.
I wonder if it is BECAUSE you were willing and trusting during that experience (which should be a green flag) that he didnt enjoy the aftermath.
Maybe he’s one of those men who need to “take” instead of having it gifted?
Either way, hes not a very good dom if he is being this self absorbed about experiencing something with his partner that was 100% consensual.
Why did he not stop after the first time he did whatever made him feel this way? He chose to continue to do it. That was his decision. If his fantasy ended up not being what he expected that is fine but why continue and build up this resentment?? You were doing him a favor. And as you said it wasn’t even really something pleasurable for you. Maybe explain that to him. Let him know you didn’t really enjoy it and was just trying to make him happy. That might help him not see you in this way he does now.
But to be completely honest, if my husband ever said that he gets disgusted every time he looks at me I would consider things over. And he is acting like a child by still holding one sexual experience over your head like this.
Oof… I don’t think it’s important to know what you guys did that night. I feel like this might be a problem on his side. He might have thought his fantasies stay his fantasies and was surprised by you willing in. Maybe he didn’t want to reject u then but idk. It sounds like you are very respectful. I also think it’s great that you guys talk about it and also take some time off eachother instead of over reacting impulsively.
He’s probably gay and looking for an excuse to end things with you and have it be your fault.
That’s tough. But you are only 24 so I promise you, you have plenty of time to reinvent yourself and get your life together without this absolute loser of a husband. Don’t waste another second of your life on him.
Did what he wanted and enjoyed, now he regrets it and blames you? Nah, he is broken, send him for repairs (a therapist) or return him to store (divorce him)
He’s gaslighting you.
Leave him, he’s a big asshole.
So he’s just conveniently forgetting that he participated too? If doing those things made him feel like you weren’t worthy of respect and deserved disgust, what exactly does he think of men who do those things to women? How is he somehow safe from that judgement?
If he’s worried about whether you can raise children because of it, how can he think a man who participates/treats a woman that way can raise them?
He either needs to judge you both from the same vantage (which his judgement is stupid because it was his fantasy) or understand that it was a two person act and everything he feels about you, he would have to logically think of himself too.
NTA – but I don’t know how you could ever have sex with him again, knowing he’s judging you like that…
It sounds like your husband has quite a bit of trauma from sexual repression that he needs to work through. That makes sense for people who grew up in a religious environment, although you didn’t tell whether he did or not. If he has (partially) deconstructed from the religion, perhaps he will be able to detach from the sexual repression as well. It could be very difficult otherwise.
Working through the trauma will require letting go of the repressive ideas first, which it seems he has not done yet? Him saying his feelings are irrational are a reasonably good sign that he is indeed letting go of some of the repressive ideas, but him thinking that “anyone would feel the same way he did if he told them” is a sign that he isn’t out the woods of repressive ideas yet.
To answer your question directly, I do think it is possible to “talk him through things”. (I’m not a fan of phrasing it like that, it will be his journey and it will likely be a long one.) Romantic partners are not always the best person to provide therapy, and finding a good sex-positive therapist might be helpful here. But at the same time, there are definitely ways you can support him with this. Among other things by connecting the dots repeatedly: Nothing bad or shameful happened, his thoughts and fantasies are not bad or shameful either, and no reasonable person is going to hold this against him.
I am so sorry, OP. You did nothing wrong. His double standard is so misogynistic. HIS fantasies & HIS actions are A-ok, but now you’re a sl*t & and too impure to raise your kids? WITAF.
Demand that he get therapy. And you need to start putting together an exit plan if he won’t & continues his BS.
honestly sounds like he is ashamed of himself and his fantasies. Now that you did some of them he is projecting his own shame onto you. he needs help. This is not on you.
Tell him it was his fantasies. You were getting out of your comfort zone for him!! Tell him spicing things up was for his pleasure and that you’ll happily never do those things again. But it’s unfair for him to see you differently for trying to please him. He should see himself differently for wanting those things in the first place
Projection. Sounds like he fetishized an insecurity or trauma. He made something very painful/shameful within himself (I’m not saying it should be painful or shameful, just that he might have felt that way about it) more manageable by making it sexual. In that state he could more readily confront it and deal with it. When you engaged in that fetish with him, it transferred that pain/shame/pain/insecurity to you. He’s now seeing something about him self he can’t confront, every time he looks at you.
This is completely, 100% a him problem. You did nothing wrong (except perhaps in loving and trusting a man who clearly has some deep seated shame/issues about sex).
This absolutely sucks, it’s totally unfair – but if he can’t get past it, then honestly you’ve dodged a bullet.
You did nothing wrong.
Must admit, I am really curious what those kinks were.
It is heart breaking, and cruel. But honestly, feel the feelings you need to, get a lawyer, and divorce him. He showed you who he really is and you need to believe him. He’s saying he can’t respect you now. Do you think he’s going to respect you more later, maybe if you try harder to make it up to him? No. If he’s yelling at you at all, judging you, being a hypocrite….he doesn’t love you. He’s not the one. It’s hard I know but at least there aren’t kids. Make a plan with your family and a good attorney and file for divorce before he does. Depending on the state you’re in, as assets get divided, the judge might consider this factor in giving you a fair share. Of course take your lawyers advice
He has shame about what HE did to you, but he’s blaming you for it and taking out the shame on you. There must be something behind this that he needs therapy for, but if I were you, I wouldn’t be able to look past the fact that he is shifting his shame onto you.
Please don’t apologize to him, or take any blame about this. He truly needs therapy and I saw your comment about how he went as a child and feels betrayed because the therapist told his parents what he said in therapy…he is a grown man, and HIPAA laws exist in the US (if you’re here).
He needs to work through this for his own benefit, and you should also seek therapy on your own so that you don’t end up feeling any guilt.
He had an opportunity that night to tell you that he didn’t want to engage in those fantasies with you. He didn’t have to do things to you that made him view you differently.
As I see it, you were seeking a deeper connection, which is a good thing.
He has no business yelling at you or treating you badly. It was role play, after all! And if he sees you badly now, how does he see himself? He participated as well.
He may have a fundamental problem in how he views women.
He will always be this creepy guy. Leave him immediately
Y’all seriously need to stop enabling these porn addicts. These men don’t even KNOW what they like anymore.
He needs therapy. Not you, not the two of you, him. He needs to deal with his own stuff before there’s any possibility of him being a decent husband. If I were you, I would leave. You have your entire life ahead of you, and you deserve someone who will respect you more than this.
He called you disgusting for doing things you didn’t want to do for his pleasure.
Two lessons: This man doesn’t love you. Don’t do things you don’t want to do.
Your husband clearly has some massive sexual hang ups and shame that he is now projecting onto you. You did nothing wrong. I deeply feel for you, as I expect his reaction has damaged your trust and sense of security in ways that won’t be easy to repair, even if he is willing to go to therapy and put in the work. But I think I saw in a comment that he is anti-therapy? Going to be very tough to work through something like this without help.
Also – his belief that “everyone” will feel the same way he does and will “judge him for marrying you” (!!!!) is wildly irrational and off-base. Please don’t buy into that! He may hold this view, but I suspect the vast majority of people (as evidenced by the comments on this thread!) would think his sexual hangups and emotional reaction are the issue, not you.
If whatever you did makes you so shameful that he can’t see you being the mother to his children, then tell him that fantasizing about those things makes him a big red flag to be the father of your children🤷🏻♀️
Honestly, him saying those things to you would be a dealbreaker for me. It would be the end of the relationship with no return since the trust was broken and a partner should respect you no matter what, and he has no reason to find you disgusting for something he asked for.
I agree with everyone else that he is acting like a jerk. IMO, he doesn’t deserve you.
You mentioned that his parents sent him to therapy when he was younger, so he doesn’t like it because the therapist violated Dr. /patient confidentiality. However, he is an adult now, and it sounds like he could benefit from individual therapy, and you both from couples. I only mention this because you say that he knows that these feelings are ridiculous and seem to want to save your marriage.
Personally, I could not stay with someone who felt that way after giving them their fantasy. It wasn’t yours. It was his. So, using his logic, he should feel disgusted about himself for having those fantasies.
Maybe what was missing for him was in his fantasy, he was doing all that with a man. Maybe he feels resentment towards you about his own hangups and inability to accept that he’s gay.
I can’t for a second think of how else you ended up being blamed and slut shamed over making his fantasies come true. No man in their right mind would treat their wife this way after she brought his fantasies to life for him. There’s something he’s not telling you, because this doesn’t make sense.
Red flags everywhere with this guy.
Male perspective here please don’t down vote me for trying to help but I am going to try and give you some insight. Okay some men see their wives at a higher level like a goddess something to be treasured and cherished, clean and pure beings. So when we have “dirty fantasies” we would not want our goddess doing dirty things. My guess is that being so young he probably doesn’t understand this is why he is feeling that way. You can talk him through this but that’s my read.
Yeah, this doesn’t sit well. This is one of those closet fantasy freaks that eventually end up doing this behind their spouses back. He wants you almost virginized in his mind. My wife is pure blah blah blah. Take this as a great opportunity to reevaluate your relationship. It will not get better. I bet his family is hard core bible thumpers and his thoughts are coming from that. You gave yourself to him out of love and wanting that connection. He turned on you. Run. Run.
Sounds like your husband is a weirdo
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Many men are like this, they have fantasies but not with their wife. Focus on you and wait for him to talk to you. Update