I ’24 F’ have been with my partner ’25 M’ for 7 years almost 8.When I got pregnant at 17 we had massive pressure from my family to get married, but he didn’t want to since we were young and wanted to wait until we were older. I wasn’t too fussed. Then 4 years later when I was pregnant with our second, I brought up getting married again. We even went to the store to look at rings but he started acting very sulky and we left. In the car afterwards we had a massive fight in which he pretty much said he didn’t want to marry me because of my “behaviour “. However he wouldn’t specify exactly what I was doing and would only say ” you’re so perfect” and that he was the one that “causes all the problems”. I told him “so you want another kid, a responsibility for a lifetime but not marriage with the mother of your kids?” . He just kept going on and said that “it’s like a promise to God” and then eventually said within a year of us having our own home he was gonna propose. We had been homeowners for about 3 months at that point so he had until December. I did not bring it up, December came and passed. It’s been almost 1yr 1/2 since it passed. I brought it up again a few days ago. And he just got so angry and riled up. He was like you want to get married, let’s get married. I told him I want him to propose to me and he said well then I need time. Mind you this was meant to be a conversation but ended up being him screaming this at me, saying he doesn’t know how to keep me happy, that marriage isn’t a big deal. That I only cause problems. That “you’re so perfect”. Our daughter witnessed this all and was saying “mummy only wants to be married daddy”. I feel so defeated. For whatever reason the phrase that marriage is like a “promise to God” has stuck with me and I crave that commitment, that extra step, the men in his family have all married. We have a home together, kids, good jobs, a dog, we have everything, i just don’t understand. I burst into tears and he finally said let’s get married but he said it with so much hatred I feel defeated like I’ve dreamt of this since I was little, this is not how I want it to be. We haven’t spoken properly for 2 days since. I need advice, I feel stuck, I feel like a bloody place holder, a small part of me wants to leave, but then again I don’t want to break up our family over marriage. I know alot of people don’t do marriage. I just need to hear different opinions as I don’t really have anyone to talk about this with.
TDLR : I ’24F’ have been in a relationship with my partner ’25M’ for 7yrs. I want marriage but he doesn’t. He finally said let’s get married but he screamed it at me and now I feel unsure, I feel stuck.
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Are you sure you want to marry this guy?
Sorry to tell you but there are bigger problems than marriage on this story, pal.
I’m not 100% sure what advice you want, but it is very obvious that he doesn’t want to get married.
The “promise to God” thing is weird. Is he religious?
He got you trapped. Leave now while you are still very young and have plenty of life left.
i’m so sorry. as hard as this will be to hear, i think he’s doing you a favour. marrying him sounds like it would be a nightmare. by the sounds of it, he would constantly hold it over your head, probably threaten divorce, say shit like “isn’t this what you wanted?”
don’t worry about breaking up your family – your children would much rather be raised by two happy parents than an unhappy couple. he sounds like a massive brat. you and the kids deserve better – show your daughter that being single is better than being with a man who shouts at her.
The comment promise to God has me feeling like he’s just not committed to you even though he’s with you in a house with kids. He sounds like he probably has cheated or has it in mind… that’s just my opinion.. if a man wants to marry you he absolutely will. Life is too short to try to plan everything out perfectly. He sounds like he’s full of excuses.. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I personally think you and the kids deserve better… it’s hard to find a man who wants marriage and actually is committed . It’s so rare… all the men I work with are having affairs at my job… it’s disgusting…
I mean, he doesn’t want to get married clearly. He doesn’t give any good reasons why, so I’m kind of assuming bad reasons. I hope the house is in both your names.
He’s also clearly not very good about communicating. How do communications about other issues go?
Stop having kids with him. Good god.
Leave him. He’s had enough time to know if he wants to marry you and he clearly doesn’t. Men are happy to string women along for decades using them place holders waiting for ‘the one’ to come along after which they’ll dumb you and the kids and marry them within a year.
When a man doesn’t want to marry you it’s because he wants to leave you scott free
That’s his choice, he’s telling you who he is. The mistake would be not believing him. You will give your youth to someone who will probably be ok getting you pregnant but never putting a ring on it.
If you stay this is the life he’s told you to expect (till he cheats/dumps you etc in you 30”s or 40’s with a couple of kids and you have to start over at 30/40.)
If you want more RUN before you have kids. Save kids for someone who wants to build a life in a committed marriage.
Good luck.
Its ok for someone not to get married, it’s not a must and not everyones cup of tea. But! He should’ve just communicated that openly, honestly and clearly.
I think why I think he is in the wrong has more to do with how he is communicating to you then him not wanting to get married.
Maybe consider couples councilling and learn some ways to talk things out together and definitely not infront of the kids.
If marriage really is a deal breaker for you then.. well only one thing to do then sadly.
Its not only about marriage.
He doesnt listen to your dream/need, and throwing a tantrum over it like a kid. It seems to me he cannot function like a proper adult and give you a proper answer and telling you “lets get married”, over and over again which is an obvious lie every time ofc.
How can someone scream at a loved one who had their 2 kid? And is it normal to you that someone scream at you? Believe me its not.
I want to warn you about one thing..
If your kids see a parent relationship like this, they will have a somewhat similar life – you and your partner act like a model for them which they learn this is normal. So if you want them to have a good relationship and marriage later on, find your own first.
If you cannot leave now, they will think – you cannot leave a bad relationship you’ll need to stay. These are bad lessons for them for the rest of their lives.
So never say – i stay for the family because its not true. Kids need safe places where parents not screaming, throwing tantrum, and where they are happy.
How many times does rhis man have to show you through his actions that he doesn’t want to marry you before you get the hint?
Have you asked him what does marriage mean to him and if he ever wanted to be in a marriage in the first place?
Not everyone has the same ideals in what commitment looks like, some people just do not believe in marriage. Comparing him to his siblings may be one of the reasons he’s quick to flare up, maybe that’s all he’s been used to all his life and he wants to be himself.
You know why marriage is important to you but what’s important for him?
All in all if marriage is something that you don’t want to negotiate on in terms of what you want in a relationship then you need to listen to that.You don’t want to force marriage because he will end up hating you but you also don’t want mitigate your needs to be married because you will end up hating him.
Know your worth
The biggest issue here isn’t him not wanting to be married it’s how he’s reacting. Normally I’d say you’re 24 still young and marriage isn’t everything but you have children and a house etc so the biggest commitments in life you’ve already done so it’s not like this would mean ‘settling down too young’ as you’re already there.
He’s basically being abusive when you’re bringing it up and undermining your feelings. You need to try and get to the bottom of why as he’s literally got life time commitments with you already (kids etc.)
The way he’s being is a big red flag especially as being married is important to you – it also offers protection for you all in the event of something happening.
Also this is a dream of yours to be proposed to – for me I’d want to make my partner happy as that’s what you do when you love someone or if I was adamantly opposed I’d have a rational conversation about it the why’s and work through it.
There’s something going on with him and it’s manifesting in this extreme behaviour in front of your kids which is going to be damaging in the long run. I hope you manage to work through this in what ever way is best for you and your children ❤️
It’s very obvious that he doesn’t want to marry you. He has said no in so many ways. He thinks it’s easier to walk away when you’re not legally tied. And yeah.. it is. But he should have been honest with you if it was never his intention.
If marriage is important to you, he’s not the right man for you. It may not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth at the very least.
You’re going to spend your life miserable wondering why he doesn’t want to marry you. And that’s absolutely a choice you could make, but I’d rather find a person with the same values who couldn’t imagine spending their life without me.
Choice is yours. Accept that he will never marry you or find someone who will.
Why do you want to marry him so badly when it’s clear he doesn’t even like you?
Girl.
What does this guy bring to the table that makes you so desperate to cling to him? Because he doesn’t even act like he LIKES you, much less LOVES you, and I’m pretty sure he resents the kids, too, and why would you want to saddle THEM with HIM?
You’re just so, so young.
Don’t have any more kids with him. It sounds like he has regrets. If he’s a good dad, then he doesn’t regret the kids of course, I’m sure he loves them, but you guys haven’t had a youth. Even if you did get married, and stayed together a while, you’d likely get divorced by the time you hit 30.
He can’t take the kids back, of course, but he probably sees marriage as the final nail in the coffin of his youth. He probably feels stuck, but doesn’t have the confidence or the courage to actually leave, so he stays, builds up resentment and makes you suffer in the meantime, because you actively want to stay and get married.
Additionally, if he’s religious he’ll be afraid of divorce, which is clearly on his mind anyways.
On the bright side though, when you eventually do break up you’ll still have practically your entire life ahead of you.
You’re not stuck because you’re not married. You can sell the house and co-parent.
He doesn’t want to marry you. It’s important to you… enough to cry over it and keep bringing it up for years… but he would rather see you cry over it.
Even if he does propose now you will always know that you forced him into this.
Life’s too short.. You’re too young to already settle.
You have exhausted every charitable interpretation of his behaviour so I’m going to say it- divorce is expensive for men. He’s not proposing because he KNOWS you’re not the one, so if you marry now he will have to divorce you. He’s keeping his options open, sis. Sorry.
You need to peacefully converse with him why he doesn’t want marriage.
Beyond that though. It seems to me that you have a full life. You’re together, you have a kid, a pet a home. That’s as committed as it gets.
What does marriage really means to you? In your current state nothing will actually change. Do you want a big fancy wedding, a ceremony etc? Is this your dream? Maybe you could explain it to him.
Or is it the legal part you are interested in? So you want to hold your partner legally liable in case of a break up?
He doesn’t want to marry you and you still had another kid. Take the hint.
I’m going to say this as best as I can. He does not love you. He does not even like you.
You are convenient because you give him what he needs without the added shackle of needing to give you half if you leave. Stop having kids with this idiot. Leave and build a new life for yourself.
If you have to beg for stuff, then it is already pointless. The fact that he babytrapped you with another kid when he was already making all sorts of excuses from the beginning is wild.
Honey child, please, please, model good relationships to your children and do the right thing by yourself and leave this nonsensical man today.
This won’t be the only thing he behaves like this about. But more importantly, never stay with someone who looks at you and speaks to you with hatred!
It’s not an insult to want to be married to him. It’s an honour. And you deserve to be honoured as well. But he’s a mess and not fit for any of this. You deserve so much better than how he’s treated you.
Sounds to me like he could be feeling conflicted because of religious upbringing since you mentioned him being catholic. Maybe he is scared of the judgement of “God” if he marries after having children outside of marriage? Could someone in his family be giving him judgement for having gathered children before marriage or something? Sounds strange he has so much anger about it but can’t put it into words. Tbh it sounds like he needs therapy solo and you both could use a bit of couples counseling on communication.
Marraige is obviously a big deal to him, not in the sense that it is for you but that is causes him stress or something. Perhaps you should approach him from a different perspective and ask him what is wrong with marriage in his eyes? What is he afraid of? It could be some small childish things that’s a bigger deal in his head than it is in reality and it just needs to be said out loud so can help him work through fixing whatever it is.
Would you choose each other if it weren’t for the kids? If it is because of the kids, is it strange that getting married is a step too far, but living together and being a father isn’t? I expect him to bail at some point. If he wanted to marry you, he would.
This is why you don’t have kids when you’re a teenager. This is why birth control exists. This is why condoms exist. This is why abortion exists. This is why you are more selective with who you let into your body and mind (ideally mind then body). You are with a mouth breather, and I don’t understand any of it.
Why did you let this guy get you pregnant a second time? Why are you still with this man? Why do religious people fuck before they are married and then talk about promises to God?
And finally, this is why you learned to say “NO” at an early age.
Sounds miserable. Best of luck, though…
Please post this on the waiting to wed sub. Also read rhe posts there.
Stop having kids with him.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want to make “a commitment to God” to be with you until death due you part, because he doesn’t expect to be or doesn’t want to be. He’s fine lying to you, but he doesn’t want to lie to God.
You’re going to WISH you left at 24 when you are 34, and still aren’t married or married only because you got a “shut up” ring. This man is not who you’ve made him out to be in your head: they type of man who enthusiastically wants to marry you, the mother of his kids. That’s not who he is and he’ll never be that (key is the enthusiastic part).
Go over to r/waiting_to_wed to talk to women who are in your situation or who’ve been there. You’re not alone. Many, many women have been in your shoes. Go hear their stories.
Get a therapist. An individual one. Many offer virtual sessions so you don’t even have find childcare. I know how much it hurts to just want to be chosen, and the person you chose didn’t choose you. Often, cloning and begging for it is a symptom of some deeper issues a therapist may be able to help you through (and don’t get discouraged if the first one isn’t a good fit, I went through more than 3 before I found the one that clicked with me.
You deserve better and so do your children. Think of all the moms you know who went on to find their true love after leaving their kids’ father, famous or in your life. That could be you. You have kids with him, fine, but the person you’re supposed to end up with for life and marry isn’t the guy you met as a teenager. This dude sucks and honestly sounds emotionally abusive. Stop having kids with him.
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Cold feet. He thinks once he’s married he can never leave.
I had that – the idea of committing “forever” was fucking frightening (mind you, would have been the same for any other guy – the idea of never ever being able to change my opinion again felt like a massive trap.)
Ask him if he’d feel different about a court house weeding.
(For reference, I’m happily married, but I convinced myself I *could* leave before I did it. I’d never, many years in, but I couldn’t have felt that way before. That was fear of commitment, nothing more.)
Divorce isn’t real in the eyes of a Catholic. A marriage can be annuled under extenuating circumstances, but it’s not common and has to be petitioned for. His comment about a “commitment to God” is absolutely true if he takes the sacraments seriously. My guess is he doesn’t want to make that serious of a commitment to you because it isn’t like a secular marriage where he can just back out. Please don’t have any more kids with him.