We’ve been in our relationship for about 2.5 years now, it started online but we’ve been living together now for about a 1.5 years.
In January of this year, we visited some of my finance’s family in his home state. During one of these nights, he and his dad got very intoxicated at the bar. His dad noticed that my fiancé had a ring on his finger, complimented it, and then asked to see mine. I got sad and told him that my ring had gotten caught in a bailer at work and that I hadn’t replaced it yet. He decided to make the joke that I “lost” it so that I could cheat on my boyfriend. I just laughed the joke off but my very much intoxicated fiancé didn’t take it as well. After we get home, he’s clearly upset and asking me if I’d ever cheat on him. I don’t take it to heart because he’s drunk and just comfort him. However the next day, he’s still thinking about it. He admits he feels insecure because I don’t have a very high sex drive (I have trauma with it and have explained that to him multiple times prior). And then suggests that I don’t want to do things with him because I’m getting it elsewhere. I comfort him again but this time I’m extremely hurt. I’ve been cheated on before but being accused of it by someone I completely loved and trust destroyed me. I became very anxious for a month or so after that, as I’m guilty of overthinking. I was worried that if I was late getting home or out with friends that he might get insecure again. I eventually calmed down and rationalized with myself. We were good for awhile.
In May, he went through my messages with one of my online friends (39M) that I game with. My fiance had shown being jealous about this dude before when we gamed by ourselves. So I made sure to game with him with our other friends only. We still messaged however, only ever talking about games, music, and car/motorcycle stuff. I had no interest in him past being a friend. A month and a half ago, he did send me a compliment however, that I clearly didn’t feed into or even really acknowledge. My fiancé saw this message and jumped onto it. He asked me if I ever sent my friend nsfw pictures or did anything explicit with him. I denied that. I even offered him to see our messages on discord that weren’t on xbox. I was letting myself be an open book, I had nothing to hide. He calmed down, but made sure to tell me that he’s not comfortable with me being friends with men anymore. I blocked the xbox friend and did as he wanted. This distrust once again stuck with me. Hurt me really bad. I ended up swallowing my fear of upsetting him further and communicated how his accusations were hurting me. We had a talk. It didn’t completely satisfy me but it ended fine.
Recently, he told me that he feels like I don’t love him as much as I used to. That really hurt. I asked why he felt like that but he kept refusing to elaborate. Eventually he did though because I explained to him that if he didn’t, I was going to overthink. The reasons were reasonable I thought, but they felt like they weren’t the sole reasons. He felt as if I was showing disinterest since I wasn’t immediately going to see him when I got home like I “used to do” or that I didn’t go immediately see him when I came to his job (my friend (20F) also works in the same building as him and we all work for the same company). I could see why that would hurt his feelings but they were all very recent examples that weren’t a constant. I didn’t push for more information though because he started shutting down again. He asked me to promise not to talk about this with my friends. He’s shown that he doesn’t like me talking to my friends about our problems at all and that it makes him uncomfortable. They’ve always helped me sort out my emotions and understand things. So I’m coming here with all this. Anonymously. I feel like he’s letting his emotions hurt him and is trying to isolate me unintentionally. I don’t know if talking is going to help. But does this sound like that or am I just overthinking like I always do? What would be the best way to have this conversation?
tldr: Fiancé accuses me of cheating twice in the recent past. once without a basis and one time after looking through messages that didn’t have actual evidence of such. Now he feels like I don’t love him as much anymore and feels uncomfortable with me talking to my friends for emotional support and help.
Comments
Girl y’all are way too young and insecure to be engaged
It sounds to me like there is nothing unintentional about the isolation. He is insecure and does not trust you. He also knows that he is being unfair and controlling and so he does not want you to talk to anybody about it because he knows they will (rightly) judge him. I think you should probably not have gotten engaged, and I would be looking to stop all forward momentum toward a marriage. Make sure you don’t get pregnant, I don’t really see this relationship lasting.
You would think living together would make him more secure. Was he like this in the beginning or has it gotten worse? Does he have experience with someone cheating on him before? Also why doesn’t he replace your ring? When I was engaged, I bought his ring, and he bought mine. However, I would suggest you rethink marrying him.